SANTA FE, TX – The American Gun Cult renewed its commitment to seeing as many dead children as it takes in order to maintain profits for the Arms Industry while its willing dupes, addicts, and narcissists renewed their commitment to lies and death in their overwhelming selfishness.
Echoing Conservative Folk Hero Joe the Plumber, the Gun Cult issued a statement saying, “Your dead kids do not and never will matter to me more than my precious, precious gun. So screw you forever. Me! My gun! Me! Me! Me!”
“It’s too soon,” lied one spokesman for the Gun Cult. “We need to respect the feelings of the victims,” he also lied, “by calling Emma Gonzalez a meddling dyke and by circulating the stupid urban legend that David Hogg is a crisis actor”. The Gun Cult also expressed skepticism about the agents of Mossad who faked injuries at Vegas to make Real American Gun Owners look bad and called for further harrassment of the parents of Sandy Hook.
Others in the Gun Cult added the lies that they strongly objected to politicizing this tragedy as they politicized the tragedy byimmediately calling for more guns as their sole solution, the only thing they ever do.
One lying Gun Cult kook immediately showed up at the scene of today’s tragedy to lie that he cared about Making America Great and about victims, for whom he expressed support by acting like a self-absorbed freak.
Gun Cult spokesman lied that when guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns. The added the lies that this was a heart problem, not a gun problem. In addition, they lied that this was God’s will, so whaddayagonnadoo? They also lied that if the shooter had not used guns he would have just used a knife. And they lied that all law is futile so there’s no point in even trying to stop mass shootings with laws.
In a rare moment of honesty, one Gun Cult spokesman summed up the situation this way, “You could literally murder every single child in every school in the US and we *still* would not ever lift a finger to change the present civil order in the US. You don’t get it, do you? We do not and never will give a rip about anything or anybody but ourselves. That’s why we just appointed a lying gunrunner to head the NRA. We actually believe that we are just as persecuted as blacks under Jim Crow. Do you actually think you can reason with that level of narcissism? I don’t care if your stupid kid lives or dies. My only response to every one of the 35,000 annual slaughters I work day and night to ensure is ‘Screw you! Don’t touch my gun!’ I am a nihilist! Face that fact and stop trying to reason with me.”
The Gun Cult then added the lie that they sent their “thoughts and prayers” to victims and their families.