Don’t Talk to Me Like That

Relationships are the products of words. Good relationships and good marriages are the result of many good words. You fall in love because you say good things to each other. You’re careful, patient, and think before you speak.

At the same time, bad marriages happen when relationships are filled with negative words. Words are used carelessly and thoughtlessly. Words are used as weapons.

God created the universe by speaking it into being, and the words we speak or don’t speak create our home. That’s why good communication is vital to marriage. Bad communication comes from five main roots.

The first is iniquities and negative role models. Little children pay attention. They remember, and they are profoundly influenced by their parents. So if you grew up in a house where communication was characterized by sarcasm or hateful speech, you may use words the same way today.

Punishing a spouse with silence is related to this and another form of bad communication. You need to submit this learned behavior to Jesus. Forgive your parents for teaching it to you and determine not to pass it on to your children.

The second dysfunctional root is unforgiveness and unhealed hurts. As the saying goes, hurt people hurt people. If you are hurting, you are likely to damage others with your words. People with this root tend to vent in public about their spouses or display passive-aggressive behavior.

The answer to this is also forgiveness. Release the person who hurt you from your judgment. Forgiveness doesn’t make them right, but it does set you free.

A third root is insecurity. Every person is insecure in someway. It could be an outward form of insecurity or it could be an inner insecurity. However it manifests in your life, it causes you to be overly sensitive and dishonest. Because I’m insecure, I’m afraid of what you’ll do if I tell the truth.

To combat insecurity, we have to put our trust in God. We must pursue a daily relationship with Him. We give Him our fears and hurts and insecurity. Then we find our true security in God.

The fourth root is ignorance. We may not understand our spouse. We may not know how to resolve conflict. We may not realize what causes stress or frustration in our marriage. As for me, I was completely ignorant about women when I got married. I didn’t understand Karen’s need for security. I just thought she was crazy.

Out of my ignorance, I would say things that were incredibly insensitive. It wasn’t until I really began trying to learn about her needs through communication and wise counsel and even prayer that God helped me overcome my ignorance.

The final root of bad communication is pride. It’s the original sin of mankind and the original sin of marriage. Proud people don’t accept blame. They won’t take responsibility for their actions. They are unteachable. Show me someone who is chronically unsuccessful, and I’ll show you someone who isn’t teachable.

Do you see any of these roots of bad communication in your marriage? If so, take the steps to dig up those roots. Until you do, your marriage will continue bearing bad fruit.