American exceptionalism (a poem inspired by Ryan Lochte)

You know that we’re the only real democracy;
Other countries are corrupt;
They don’t have tap water you can drink;
They don’t have interstate highways;
They don’t have supermarkets;
They don’t have air conditioning.

You know that we’re the only country that has real laws;
All the cops are rogue in other countries;
They set up roadblocks for no reason;
They beat filthy people in filthy, broken streets;
They make their money collecting bribes;
If you can’t pay, they throw you into cells with rats.

You know that we’re the only country that isn’t dirty;
Don’t eat anything off the street;
Make sure you pack baby wipes;
The soap dispensers can’t be trusted;
Stay out of the hospital; don’t let them stick their needles into you;
Always use condoms with the local girls.

You know that we’re the only country that wins the gold;
In case you didn’t notice, we dominate;
No one will believe your story;
Our stories get higher ratings;
Because we are the heroes;
Everything we smash and everywhere we piss turns to gold.