American exceptionalism (a poem inspired by Ryan Lochte)

American exceptionalism (a poem inspired by Ryan Lochte) August 18, 2016

gas station ryan lochte

You know that we’re the only real democracy;
Other countries are corrupt;
They don’t have tap water you can drink;
They don’t have interstate highways;
They don’t have supermarkets;
They don’t have air conditioning.

You know that we’re the only country that has real laws;
All the cops are rogue in other countries;
They set up roadblocks for no reason;
They beat filthy people in filthy, broken streets;
They make their money collecting bribes;
If you can’t pay, they throw you into cells with rats.

You know that we’re the only country that isn’t dirty;
Don’t eat anything off the street;
Make sure you pack baby wipes;
The soap dispensers can’t be trusted;
Stay out of the hospital; don’t let them stick their needles into you;
Always use condoms with the local girls.

You know that we’re the only country that wins the gold;
In case you didn’t notice, we dominate;
No one will believe your story;
Our stories get higher ratings;
Because we are the heroes;
Everything we smash and everywhere we piss turns to gold.


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