How would you define pornography?

Are the magazines Sports Illustrated Swim Edition and Maxim considered porn? How would you define pornography? How would you direct someone who found out that their spouse is looking at pornography, but has denied it in the past? How should they address the issue in the best way if the spouse doesn’t know that they know? And where do you go from there?

The definition that the church has posted on www.lds.org is:
Pornography is any material depicting or describing the human body or sexual conduct in a way that arouses sexual feelings. It is distributed through many media, including magazines, books, television, movies, music, and the Internet.

With these somewhat loose definitions in place we realize that we are pretty much continually surrounded by pornography. It does not just entail a subject being nude or participating in a specific sexual act. It is anything that is intended to cause sexual excitement. So we have billboards, ads, movies, TV shows, magazines, etc., etc. that we are all subjected to on a daily basis that would be deemed to contain pornography. Of course, like most things, there are varying degrees of seriousness on the continuum of pornography. Although still inappropriate and not spiritually uplifting, the magazines you mention in your question are on the lower end of the continuum. This is not to minimize them, it’s just the reality in comparison to all of the other types of pornography that are out there that are increasingly more serious and harmful. What subscribers of these types of magazines need to be aware of is that, just like with violence, the human brain becomes desensitized to the images we see. As this process takes place, it takes more enticing images to create the same level of excitement. This can quickly spiral out of control and for many it begins the process of sexual addiction. Even if individuals do not become “addicted” per Se, any level of purposeful pornographic usage (including the magazines you mentioned) is going to affect the level of intimacy one is able to build with one’s spouse.

As far as the situation you find yourself in, my main piece of advice would be focused around the communication that needs to take place between you and your spouse. If you know he/she is looking at pornography, you need to confront and address the issue head on. It is unfortunately natural for people who are participating in inappropriate behavior to deny it when confronted, lie about it or minimize it in some way. This has to do primarily with two emotions: shame and fear. Shame about the behavior they already feel guilty about and don’t want to admit to another – it’s embarrassing. Then there is fear regarding how the spouse will now perceive the other, whether or not the behavior in question will put the relationship in jeopardy, and a myriad of other consequences that could be assumed possible. The communication hints I can offer you are:

• Take some time to prepare what you are going to say. Pray and reflect on what your approach will be and what you want the desired outcome to look like. Visualize and practice what you want to communicate and be prepared for several responses (from “I’m so sorry, you’re right” to “I don’t know what you’re talking about or what you’re making such a big deal about.”)
• Keep calm. There is no need to raise your voice or become demeaning in your confrontation. Your basic message needs to be “I am aware of this problem, I deem it a problem for you and for me, and I want to be able to talk about it.”
• Try to begin and end with a positive (the sandwich approach). “I love you and want the best for our relationship. I am aware that you have been looking at pornography. I’m not sure what this is about for you but I want to try to understand where you are coming from. I’m afraid and confused about this issue and I don’t want things to get worse. There are so many things I respect about you such as…. I hope we can work through this together.”
• Respectfully share your feelings. “I want to be a safe place for you to talk about this problem. I want us to work through this as a team. At the same time, I need you to know that I am angry, hurt and confused. I feel betrayed.”
• Do not become a victim. Although you can be very loving and respectful in how you approach your spouse, you should not accept statements where the spouse tries to blame you for this problem or where you are pressured to accept that this behavior is acceptable. “For whatever reason, you may think this is OK, but you need to know that this is not OK with me. This is a form of infidelity. Both secular and church teachings back me up on this.” “We may have problems in our own sexual relationship, and I am willing to look at and work on those, but that does not justify your current behavior.” “This is not something I am willing to ignore or allow in our marriage.”
• If the spouse refuses to own up to their behavior, you need to call them on it (this is of course assuming you are positive it is happening – some spouses allow fear and paranoia to make assumptions that are just not true due to their own insecurities – this is usually not the case but it happens). “I realize this is probably difficult to own up to. However, I know I am not making this up and I know that we need to deal with this. Maybe you need some time to come to me on your own terms. Why don’t we set up a time in the next few days where we can talk about this again?” If the spouse ultimately refuses to admit to the problem, be clear that you plan on seeking help with or without them.
• Notice how through all of my examples I mainly use “I-messages.” It is a lot easier as a recipient of a conversation to remain less defensive when one doesn’t feel attacked. Instead of “You make me feel unloved and miserable” it makes a big difference to say “Because of this situation I feel unloved and miserable.”
• Be willing to listen. There may be parts of this problem that will be difficult to listen to and that might provoke anger and resentment. But if you can tap into the pain and inadequacies your spouse is feeling it will be a lot easier to stay an engaged partner and a helpmate throughout this process. Listening and validating do not mean agreeing with or forgiving. “I can understand how you might feel that way. That doesn’t mean I agree with it, but I do understand.”
• Be willing to get professional and/or priesthood help as a couple. It can be so useful to have a mediator to control the heated feelings, conflicts and disagreements you may encounter as you begin to discuss this problem. You may also need to look at overall issues regarding the sexuality within your marriage. Issues regarding sexuality many times have deeper seeded histories than the current relationship.

It is helpful to remember that Heavenly Father wants both you and your husband to have a healthy and enjoyable sex life together. Many things can get in the way of this. But ultimately you both need to know that this is a worthwhile and very possible goal.