I came across your blog today and thought you might be able to help me. I am trying to find a therapist for my husband. He was treating with a female therapist, but at this point he feels that he would be able to more effectively treat with a male therapist. Do you know any in this area? All the feelers I have put out for one have come to dead ends. Thank you so much for your help.
Is there a specialty that he’s needing or just a male therapist?
To give you the nutshell version of the story, I told him about 3 and a half years ago that early in our marriage (about 17 years ago at this point) I had not been faithful. At that point, he was very supportive, we both got started in counseling, I had a church court, and I have just moved forward from there. I work every day to stay focused, keep on track, and continually try to move closer to Heavenly Father. On the other hand, while he was initially supportive of my efforts to get counseling and to take care of myself churchwise, he fell completely apart about three months after I had first told him what had happened. He has not worked since then, and spent probably the first year and a half just in bed all day long. He has been on a variety of medications to treat bipolar disorder and schizophrenia, as well as depression. He can usually pull it together for a while, but he will start fall apart again after a while of being on the meds. I have taken the stance that I am going to support him and love him, and try to treat him the way I would want him to treat me if the situation were reversed. But, that doesn’t actually help him to try to resolve things. As time has gone by, he and I have both begun to recognize that part of the reason he is still having difficulties is because this brought out a lot of unresolved stuff from his past — and that is where I think he is stuck. I believe that he needs to look at a bigger picture than just looking at what I did. I believe that he felt our female therapist was too sympathetic to me, and perhaps feels that a male therapist would be more sympathetic to him. I just want him to get help. He has really tried hard, and wants to move forward, but seems to be unsure of how to do that. He rarely goes to church, and that has had an impact on our four children.
Anyway, I’m just trying to find someone who can help him.
Wow. It sounds like you have both been through a lot. I agree that your disclosure was a trigger rather than a cause for a lot of the deeper issues. I recommend that you find someone who is going to be comfortable seeing him individually and also seeing you both as a couple. You have issues in both arenas to work on. If you go under aamft.org and click on “therapist locator” you will get to where you can search for therapists in your area. I found two men who also seem to be lds (due to degrees earned at BYU) in this directory that seem close to where you are at. If they can’t help you they should be able to provide you with a referral.
I also hope he is already seeing a psychiatrist who can begin pharmaceutical treatment if he isn’t already on meds. Both bipolar and schizophrenia treatment include meds as a must.
A good therapist should not be partial to either the husband or wife in treatment, but rather work on being partial to the relationship as a whole. I always tell my couples in treatment that there may be particular sessions where one feels more ganged up against than another just because the topic of the session may be of particular challenge to one specific person. But as a whole, I am challenging both to move towards a healthier, more open and honest relationship. Whether or not a therapist is truly being partial to one spouse, there can be a perception that this is the case just because of the gender of the therapist. In other words, it is easier to assume that the women are ganging up on the husband (if the therapist is a woman) or vice versa even if this is not actually the case. It can be useful to keep this possibility in mind when reviewing your feelings of what actually is happening in therapy. I also tell couples that if either one of them feel that I am being partial to the other at any time during the therapeutic process, it is imperative that we address those feelings. Otherwise, therapy does not have a chance of being successful.
Thank you so much for the help. He has been seeing a psychiatric nurse practitioner and has been on meds. The meds for bipolar don’t help, but the meds for schizophrenia do. Thank goodness! Hopefully we’ll be able to find someone good from the aamft site. Thanks again for taking the time to help.
I would recommend trying different combinations of meds for the bipolar issue. Something should help. I know it takes time for these meds to take effect so it can be a frustrating process to find the right one. Since your case is somewhat complex and has dual diagnoses I would also recommend going to a psychiatrist rather than a psychiatric nurse.
Just a reminder of information you probably already know, once the right meds are in place the biggest issue you will face is med compliance. Once your husband starts feeling better it will be an easy next step to say “I no longer need the meds”. Both of these diagnoses need long term med management. If he quits taking the meds you’ll be in the same situation or worse before you know it. This unfortunately is a common pattern among people who have both of these diagnoses. As his wife you can be a positive reinforcer to make sure he complies with his meds.
You’re right. We actually were talking this morning, discussing finding a new psychiatrist. So, that’s my new mission! He has made a lot of progress, but had a huge setback a few weeks ago. He had been taking Gabapentin (for epilepsy, secondary for diabetic neuropathy) to help heal the nerve damage in his feet, and it just did a huge whammy on him. He ended up hospitalized with suicidal ideation, and put him back probably a year. It was bad!
I do try to make sure that he takes his meds every morning. He stays on top of it, too. He actually really understands that when he is doing great, it is because of the meds, and he doesn’t try to undo it. Thank goodness.
I will add a side note that I had been very involved in online pornography. I mention that because I noted it was posted about on your blog, and I think that people totally underestimate how easily women can be caught up in pornography. I also had started reading stories on a “fan fic” website, many of which were pornographic. That’s another thing that I think people don’t consider — the written word can be just as damaging as a picture — for some people, perhaps more so. I think women need to be encouraged to be just as diligent about their use of the internet as men do. I also think that diligence applies to women who tend to read a lot of romance novels — Nora Roberts, Stephanie Laurens, etc. Romance authors can be very graphic at times, and if the written word creates a pornographic image in your head, what is the difference?
I think that people really underestimate the damage an affair, whether strictly emotional or physical, can do to a spouse. If people truly understood the depths of destruction either of those infidelities could cause, I think they may be more careful to keep away from situations that were leading down those paths, or to seek help if they found themselves on those paths. That was probably my biggest mistake — having an awareness of something within me and not seeking help until after massive damage was done to my family.
Sorry for getting on my soapbox. I just feel so strongly about this, for obvious reasons, and I think that too many women are heading down these paths nowadays.
Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you and your husband the very best. It seems like you have the right perspective regarding repentance, self assessment & monitoring, unconditional love, and support for your husband through his trials. This will be paramount for the both of you to move forward in a positive direction. Good luck and may the Lord bless you both.
The Mormon Therapist
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