While I realize that neither the Church nor anything in the gospel advocates celibacy or prohibits sexual relations between husband and wife, are there situations where celibacy might be appropriate? The Church does teach that we should control our thoughts and that our spirit should be stronger than bodily appetites.
The ideal, I think, is for both husband and wife to be willing and even eager to meet the sexual needs of his/her spouse. Hopefully that happens in many and even most marriages. But what about the marriages where there is a significant, long lasting disparity in sexual desire/interest?
You quoted statistics in a recent post that showed those that were satisfied with the sexual relationship reported thinking about sex very little, but those that were unsatisfied think about sex almost constantly. In these marriages where such a desiredisparity has been unresolved for many years, might it be more beneficial for the couple to agree to be celibate rather than having one person in the marriage constantly desiring an improved sexual relationship? Are you aware of any studies regarding celibacy in marriage and whether the decision to be celibate effectively relieves the desire for sex? In the absence of a healthy sex life or realistic prospects for one, which is better- to desperately want an improved sex life and to think about it constantly or to completely give up, become celibate, and try to not think about sex at all?
First of all, it is important to clarify some terms. I looked up the word “celibacy” and got the following definitions:
- voluntary refusal to enter the married state
- an unmarried status
- abstinence from sexual intercourse, especially by reason of religious vows
- the condition of being unmarried
- abstaining from sexual relations (as because of religious vows)
Therefore, as Latter-day Saints, we do not believe in “celibacy” per se. Whether we currently find ourselves in a married state or not, that is the state we are all striving to achieve eventually. The better term to use is “abstinence”of sexual relations.
There are times when it is appropriate to abstain from sex within marriage. Usually, these reasons would have to do with medical issues (i.e. after childbirth or surgery) or even emotional trauma (i.e. sexual affair is disclosed, a spouse is raped, death of a loved one, etc.). These reasons to abstain from sex should be temporary until the person(s) has had time to heal. Even in relationships where one spouse is severely handicapped (i.e. paralyzed from the waist down) there are ways to reach out to each other sexually and physically. I know of couples who are willing to do this for each other.
What would it be like if we could look at the sexual act within marriage as an act of service? Not only a willingness to serve our spouse but a willingness to be served by our spouse? Both spouses should be takers and both should be givers. I strongly believe that this change in sexual perception could be extraordinarily useful to most couples.
Remarks delivered at a BYU Devotional Assembly, 27 October 1981 by William R. Bradford
Perhaps this principle is best defined as selflessness—the giving of oneself both in serving others and in being served by others.
At the very foundation of our existence is interdependence upon one another. Happiness can be obtained only by establishing the proper balance between serving and being served. We are social beings; we cannot live in happiness if we attempt to live alone. Self-imposed celibacy and isolationism are extreme expressions of selfishness and an unwillingness to serve or be served.
I, personally, am not aware of any research on the topic of abstinence within marriage. However, in general terms as one who has studied human psychology, we tend to see trends where things that are forbidden, “taboo” or seemingly inaccessible can become more at the forefront of a person’s thoughts. “Trying not to think of sex at all” is just not a realistic goal for someone who has valid sexual needs and desires and who expected to have those met at some level within the bounds of marriage. Yes, we are told to control our appetites. But we are not expected to never eat. In fact, our physical body would die. And the hungrier we are, the more natural it is to think of food. It is similar with our sexual selves as well.
My answer for couples who find themselves in this situation is twofold.
For the spouse who is not interested in sex: it is unfair of you to withhold yourself sexually from your spouse. Take the time and effort needed to resolve whatever issues are holding you back in this area. Be willing to recognize that you are missing out on an important and God-given aspect of your marriage. You are not only hurting your spouse, you are hurting yourself. Be patient with yourself, but never give up. Progress takes shape in slow but steady increments.
For the spouse who wants more of a sexual connection with spouse: patience and love is the name of the game. Make your needs known in a kind yet firm stance. Never force yourself physically upon your spouse! Be willing to look at your own role as to why your spouse may not want to be with you in this way. Are your behaviors or attitudes part of the problem? Maybe yes, maybe not. Be willing to woo, love and edify your spouse. Be patient, but never give up. Progress takes shape in slow but steady increments.
Chastity, a virtue cultivated by grace and effort, necessitates an ordering within the human heart—a true transformation of one’s innermost desires from those of self-fulfillment, satisfaction, pleasure, and power to those of self-donation, acceptance, love, and freedom.
The practice of chastity does not involve suppressing one’s natural desires for affection and sexual intimacy but rather recognizes these desires and integrates them as a part of one’s entire person. The emphasis should be on the integration rather than denial of parts. An analogy illustrating this reality is the experience of hunger. While the desire for food is natural and the consumption of food is inherently good since it prevents starvation, an obsession with food and habitually eating whatever one wants whenever the desire is aroused demonstrates what Augustine would call “a disordered desire.”
In marriage, sexual intercourse is meant to be a time when the spouses give themselves fully to one another. This mutual self-donation brings intense pleasure and joy, yet its fundamental motivation is the renewal of the marriage vow: the complete giving of oneself and receiving of the other. The renewal of the profound and intimate love shared between a husband and his wife is a fruit of their special time together spent in mutual self-giving. The marital bond between a man and a woman is intended by God and therefore elevated by Christ to the level of a sacrament.
The Mormon Therapist
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