The Mormon Therapist
My wife and I have never had much physical “chemistry”. We married more because we liked being with each other and because we admired each other. Now she believes I don’t find her attractive and is no longer interested in intimacy (and says she never has been). Nothing I do or say changes her mind. How can I get this sinking ship to float again?
It sounds like you and your wife have a wonderful foundation based on friendship. This can actually be a strength rather than a weakness. However, in a marriage you most definitely want to go beyond the realm of friendship to enter and enjoy the realm of being lovers. “Chemistry” is somewhat of a fallacy because there is no one magical source that brings couples sexually together. Obviously there are natural desires that we feel, especially during the beginnings of a relationship, but “chemistry” can develop over time as two people become closer and it also needs to be worked on as it can fade throughout the course of marriage. Here are some recommendations:
- Communicate, communicate, communicate. Be as open and forthcoming as possible with your wife regarding your needs, your desires, your vision regarding what the two of you could become. Do this in a loving way. Be willing to be vulnerable with her with your feelings. Be willing to look at your own role in the problem as well. Be willing to listen.
- Compliment, compliment, compliment. Assess your ability to woo, say sweet-nothings, point out her attributes. In essence, how are your romantic skills doing? And are you using them in ways that challenge you (in other words, trying the same things that haven’t worked in the past probably won’t work again)? Are you testing your creativity? Are you taking her on dates? Are you playful?
- Invite her to start couples/sex therapy. Put a positive spin on it – for instance wanting to use your many strengths to achieve even more than what you currently have. If I was to work with you I would want to know how long you have been married, what your sexual life as a couple has looked like up to now, and how your sexuality was shaped even before you met. This would help assess the amount of work you are both up against. As already close friends, the process of becoming more intimate lovers can be a an exciting and enjoyable challenge.
- One of the struggles for men (and/or women) who find themselves in marriages where their sexual needs are not met, is they can be tempted to turn to inappropriate means of sexual satisfaction (i.e. pornography, internet/phone sex, affairs, etc.). I can’t emphasize enough how essential it is to stay away from these things – not only for the obvious sake of your personal spirituality – but especially if your goal is to gain increased intimacy with your spouse. These things are intimacy, trust and honesty killers: all things needed for a healthy sexual relationship with your spouse.
I wish you and your wife the best of luck on your sexual journey.
Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In