I have been married, happily, for almost 5 years (this month!) We have 3 kids and a healthy sex life. But I have been struggling to fully immerse myself and enjoy sex and can honestly say that I have only had 3 orgasms ever. From what I have learned: if you’ve had one, you’ll know. I am curious though, are there different levels of intensity of orgasms? I usually enjoy sex and can get to a point where it feels so good I almost can’t stand it, but it isn’t that same feeling of what I KNOW to be an orgasm. Could it be that I am just having less intense orgasms?
I have been working on learning more about my body and what I need to do to orgasm (Concentrating on being in the moment, breathing, focusing on what feels good, learning about my body, etc.) but I am still not sure what more I should be doing.
First of all, congratulations on your 5-year anniversary! So glad to hear that you and your husband are doing well. I’m not sure what your definition of a “healthy sex life” is. I’m assuming that the frequency of sex is good for both, that you both find each other attractive, and that you both enjoy being together in a sexual way. However, the facts that you are struggling to enjoy sex and/or have orgasms are little red flags. The best time to deal with red flags is NOW, when you and your husband are feeling happy and strong in your relationship.
Orgasm: The climax of coitus, consisting of a series of involuntary muscle contractions in the anus, lower pelvic muscles, and sexual organs, accompanied by a sudden release of endorphins providing a feeling of euphoria.
In the male, orgasm involves rapid rhythmic contractions of the prostate, urethra and the muscles at the base of the penis, resulting in the ejaculation of semen through the urethral opening of the penis. The process takes 3 to 10 seconds. It is possible to ejaculate without reaching orgasm, and to have an orgasm without ejaculation. After an orgasm, males have a refractory period occurs during which another orgasm cannot occur.
In the female, orgasm is preceded by moistening of the vaginal walls and enlargement of the clitoris. The clitoris moves inward under the clitoral hood. The vagina decreases in size by about a third. There are rhythmic contractions of the uterus, vagina and pelvic muscles. After orgasm, the clitoris emerges from under the clitoral hood and returns to normal size. Women do not have a refractory period during which they cannot have another orgasm.
The word orgasm comes from the Greek orgainein meaning to swell, as to swell with lust.
Some orgasms can last longer than others. And yes, orgasms can vary in intensity depending on the situation at hand (for example if you haven’t had sex for a while, an orgasm can be more intense than if you had sex just the previous day). However, for it to be an orgasm, there should be the feeling of a release and of coming back to non-heightened sense of arousal. Some women even describe having multiple orgasms. The build up towards orgasm can and should feel wonderful and it sounds like this is what you are describing, without necessarily achieving one. Of course, as you already know, sex can be enjoyable without having to reach orgasm every single time, but it would be nice if you could experience this more than the 3 times you describe.
I’m noticing that you’ve had three children in a short amount of time. It is amazing how the processes of pregnancy, childbirth and nursing can wreak havoc on our hormones and as a result, our sexual drives and responses. Because LDS women as a whole tend to have children soon after marrying, many don’t even get the chance to figure out what their normal sexuality looks like before the childbearing issues come into play. It is important for both you and your husband to be aware of these very real issues.
Orgasm for women in general can be more difficult to achieve just due to our anatomy. For some women, it is difficult to achieve orgasm only with penile penetration. The clitoris, after all, is placed much higher than the vaginal opening. You may have more success with manual and/or oral stimulation as well as with different sexual positions than you would with the traditional “missionary position.” Therefore, it is imperative that a couple feel comfortable enough to discuss these very intimate topics (which can sometimes feel embarrassing to bring up). It is also important that feelings of being sexually threatened or inadequate be checked by both spouses. We would all like to think that we are “good in bed” but the reality is that good sex is a learned process that takes time, intimacy, communication, openness, acceptance and love. In fact, sex should get better over time because a couple has the time and experience behind them.
There can also be medical and/or psychological issues that get in the way of orgasm. It is important to rule these out by having a candid discussion with your obgyn and also considering marital/sex therapy. Again, I like to remind couples that both marital and sex therapy are much easier and provide more positive results when the problems are small than when they are large. Preventative work is very powerful.
Mayo Clinic has some useful information regarding sex therapy and what you can expect. It also has a page answering a similar question to yours.
All of the things you describe doing to try to help yourself are very positive and I encourage you to continue. However, there is something to be said for the ability to relax when one is in essence trying too hard to relax. Sometimes, this process can leave you feeling overly anxious, especially if you feel like you’re not succeeding. This will have the opposite effect of what you’re wanting. So, be patient with yourself. Understand that this will be a learning adventure that will more than likely take time. Enjoy the process as you go.
Good luck!
The Mormon Therapist
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