It’s been a few weeks since I posted originally, titled “I discovered my husband has been enrolling in adult friend network sights”. And I am excited to say that my husband appears to be following through with his promises so far. He met with the bishop and the bishop is sending him to the addictions recovery group in our area. This surprised me, I didn’t realize that this sort of behavior could or would be considered an addiction. It also scares me. If it’s an addiction is this something I can expect to relapse much like an drug addict or alcoholic. The idea of having to face this kind of pain again in our marriage makes me question my resolve to try and work things out. Which then fills me with much guilt. I also feel extra guilt that if his problem is an addiction, is my lack of response sexually going to make it more likely for him to relapse? It almost feels like a cop out to me right now, if it’s an addiction it almost feels like his liability or his agency in the situation was compromised. Like he couldn’t help himself. As far as I am feeling overall though, I find myself strangely held together. I think sometimes that perhaps it’s denial, like if I don’t actually say it or think about it that maybe it never happened and things feel relatively normal at home, but if I do think about it or talk about it, the emotions are very raw and come on very strongly, I find myself weeping uncontrollably almost instantly. I know I personally need to seek counseling to work through these emotions but I am so scared to fall apart right now, I can’t afford to lose the control I do have. Overall, I am really looking for some suggestions with the newer development of the addiction treatment? How can I support him?
I think it was a good call on the bishop’s part to refer your husband to the addictions recovery group and I’m very encouraged to hear that your husband is following through with his part of this whole process. This is very good news and you should feel encouraged by this behavior. Hopefully this can begin the trust work that needs to be addressed within your marriage. Whether or not your husband has actually developed an addiction is harder to assess with the limited information I have. It depends on the frequency of behavior/thoughts he is struggling with. And yes, if he is truly dealing with addiction you more than likely need to be prepared for the possibility of relapse. Bad behavior in of itself is not “addiction” and hopefully he is not to the point where he would be classified as an “addict.” Regardless, the church program focused on addiction will be helpful to him. Addiction does not completely take away our agency, but it does greatly hamper it. It’s not that we “can’t help” our behavior, it just makes it increasingly difficult to fight certain urges and desires that the original behavior has now made stronger and harder to overcome. The associated feelings of shame and hopelessness do not help. If there is relapse, I caution spouses to try not to take it personally. I know this is extremely difficult. This is why I try to prepare spouses for relapse, so that they will not be unduly surprised. However, it is up to each spouse how much of this relapsing behavior can be taken before they opt to possibly end the marriage. Everything about this situation is difficult and trying.
I strongly recommend that as a conjunct to the work that he is doing with the bishop and through the recovery group, that you both begin marital therapy as well. You both need a place where you can begin to discuss the implications of his behavior, work on the trust that needs to be restructured, and eventually get to your sexuality as a couple (what that should look like, the expectations and desires you both have for this part of your marriage, fears, anxieties, etc.). You are not responsible for the choices that he has made to find sexual fulfillment outside of your marriage. However, if you plan on staying married and having a mutually healthy relationship, your responsibilities are as follow:
- stay firm in your stance that infidelity is not to be tolerated as part of your marriage
- stay firm in your stance that your marriage is worth fighting for
- find ways to praise and support the efforts your husband is making through his repentance process – show and verbalize your appreciation
- be willing to make your needs heard in a respectable way – communicate with your husband about what this is like for you
- be willing to listen to his needs – this may feel hard when you are angry or resentful towards him, but if you can be a safe place for him to go in his hour of shame and need you can both benefit greatly in the long run
- be willing to look at yourself and how you contribute to both the strengths and weakness of your marriage
- be willing (not at this time, but once trust has been reestablished) to look at your sexual perceptions and do the work necessary to redefine the sexual relationship between you and your husband
- be willing to look at both yourself and your husband as imperfect children of God that are both heirs to this incredible process we call the atonement
- be open to the idea that these struggles may yet serve as a catalyst to bring you both closer together in ways you can now not imagine
- eventually, it will be time to forgive your husband and move forward as a united front once more
As far as the way you describe how you are currently feeling, this is perfectly normal. Your body and your psyche know that you cannot stay in the place of “raw emotions” 24/7. So your body naturally provides breaks where you feel “normal” or in “denial” in light of what is currently happening. Another name for this is being in a state of shock. However, suppressing your feelings, needs or ability to communicate about this event will cause you more negative outcomes in the long run. It sounds like you already know you could benefit from getting help. I would recommend beginning with a Marriage & Family Therapist who would then see you both individually as well. Mending a Shattered Heart might also be a good resource for you to read (see left hand side of blog).
One of the most difficult things to face in marriage is the hurtful behavior that one spouse causes for another. This comes in many shapes and forms. And yet, for the most part, we are expected to get through these times in a way where we are true to ourselves and our convictions, and yet merciful, respectful and loving to the other. We all go through this in one way or another. Hopefully we can come out on the other side feeling stronger, closer and have reached a deeper level of emotionally intimacy as a couple.
The Mormon Therapist
Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In