The Mormon Therapist
About education, it becomes tricky in cases (that seem all too common) where there is an imbalance in the relationship regarding the desire for intimacy. For example, although I am sure there is much that I can still learn, I have studied and thought about sexuality for years, so I don’t feel it is education that is lacking for me. Intimacy isn’t important to my wife, so it feels as though there is little I can do to progress in this particular area. Unless/until she has an interest, desire, or willingness, it seems like we are pretty much stuck at status quo as far as sexuality and even other forms of intimacy. In a sense, suffer in silence feels like the only option.
What I need then, is education about being loving, patient, forgiving, giving, etc., and this education is a process that takes time….
- How long have you been married?
- How long have the sexual differences been prevalent in your marriage?
- What was your sexuality like as a couple before you were married- not that you had sex necessarily, but what did your physical courtship look like?
- What do you know about your wife’s sexual history? Is there any history of sexual abuse that you know of?
- How often are you currently being sexually intimate in your marriage now?
- What are your expectations for sexual intimacy within your marriage (i.e. what would it look like if everything was “fine”)?
- Have things ever been good sexually between you? Is so, what changed? How or why is it different now?
- Does your wife struggle with self-image issues (i.e. is she overweight, underweight, or thinks she is, etc.)? Does she struggle with your physical image (i.e. are you overweight, underweight, etc.)?
- How many children, if any, do you have? If you do have children, how did that affect your sexual life together?
- What happens when you try to talk to her about your sexual concerns? How does she respond?
- In what ways have you tried to talk to her? What is your communication style? What reactions do you show or have when things don’t go how you had hoped?
- How often does this subject come up?
- Have you ever sought out professional or priesthood help regarding this issue? If so, together or alone? If so, what was the outcome?
- What do you think her “ideal” sexual situation would look like?
- Has your wife been able to enjoy her sexuality at some point during your marriage (i.e. reach orgasm)?
- Do your discussions on sexuality only focus on your differing libido, or have you been able to talk about sexuality in other ways (i.e. what do you like, what do you find pleasurable, what are your perceptions about sex, how does sex fit into your gospel views, etc.?).
- Are there any physical/medical issues that could be playing a role?
- Is there a history of depression for your wife?
- Is sexuality the primary area you struggle in as a couple, or are there many other sources of tension/anger/resentment?
- What was your sexual history like before meeting your wife?
- What role models regarding sexuality did both sets of parents provide?
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