What do I do when my spouse refuses any form of intimacy?

• Nine years is NOT a phase.
• It is AS selfish to expect NO physical intimacy with one’s spouse (long-term), as it is to push physical intimacy ONTO a spouse.
• It is not appropriate behavior to tell a spouse that after all children are conceived there will no longer be a physical relationship within the couplehood.
• It is not appropriate for ANY spouse to expect to remain married (almost as something to take for granted) while refusing to seek help or change the status quo when things are significantly dysfunctional.
• I am not aware of any worldwide trend within the LDS community where lots of sisters are telling their husbands that they will no longer be physically intimate with them. This is just not so.

Keeping all of this in mind, you have little to no control over your spouse. So here are a few more thoughts:

• The inability for the two of you to work through your sexual conflicts has most definitely trickled into other areas of your relationship (i.e. you state that you resent her, you find yourself depressed, you are considering divorce, etc.). So this is no longer just a “sex” issue. It has infiltrated the rest of your relationship and you have a right to take action.
• If your intent is to leave your wife, waiting until the children are older will not necessarily protect them from the negative effects of having parents divorce. In fact, the latest research shows that adult children are still very much affected by this type of decision (see Adult Children of Divorce by Victoria Anisman-Reider). And children often state that they knew their parents would divorce and wonder why they waited so long to do it as everyone suffered along the way. The marital/problem-solving skills provided when a couple is just “waiting it out” can be severely lacking in helping children have positive role-models for their own future marriages. I am not advocating that you get a divorce, but this is not the reason you should stay married. Children can serve as a motivator to get the help you need as a couple, so using them as an excuse at first can be healthy. It just doesn’t want to be your overall reason to stay temporarily married, with an escape plan in place as soon as they move out.
• I am wondering if your wife is aware that your marital status is in danger? Have you both had a sit-down discussion regarding the possibility of divorce, what this scenario would look like, etc.? Many times looking at the possibility straight on can be a wake up call and bring the couple into more serious awareness of what they might be facing. It’s important to understand that divorce often brings about many problems not previously foreseen that can complicate life for the entire family.
• I encourage you to view the video of Elder Oaks addressing the issue of divorce where he speaks to people who have experienced divorce and “whose former spouses persistently betrayed sacred covenants, or abandoned or refused to perform marriage responsibilities for an extended period.” He flat out calls this “abuse.” I find his wording to be carefully thought-through and inspired. He also goes on to encourage all those who are considering divorce to do all they can to remedy the issues at hand through repentance, becoming less selfish, etc. Ultimately, the call on whether or not you will divorce your wife falls squarely on your and/or her shoulders.
• If you decide to stay married, your main focus should stay on the only thing you have control over: yourself. You provide many good examples of things you have been trying and should continue to try (i.e. reaching out to your wife, continuing to try to open the communication barrier, finding things in common that you both enjoy like dating or hobbies, going to therapy- even if it’s by yourself, etc.). Consider that if you find yourself in a situation where your spouse is unable to fulfill the needs you have, how can you go about doing this for yourself (i.e. developing your own hobbies, joining a club where you can make new friends, activities with your children that bring you joy, service through the church or your community, getting appropriate treatment for your depression, etc.)? If you divorce, you have no guarantee that you will remarry and find the companionship you are seeking with another person, so it’s a good idea to know how to meet many of your own needs anyway.