You have much to say on the subject of staying together despite struggles. This is ours- we were both believing LDS members married in the temple. Now my husband no longer believes and has begun to drink and have what I think are very different views on life, goals, etc. than he did when we were married. In some ways I feel he is a different person. I do not share his views and do not want some of the lifestyle changes that he wants. His personality is the same and he still loves me and our child. But I am having a very painful and difficult time coming to terms with this change. We have discussed divorce, but he thinks we can make it work. He thinks our life will be better and richer because of our differences and what we can teach our child. I am haunted daily by the “d” word, and all the other difficulties we have between us- difference in personality and upbringing seem to be 10x worse to me. He seems happier than ever, liberated by new things he seems to be learning, but I feel I would be happier without him. Is it because I want us to be the same? I chose him because of the wonderful person he is, but also because of his common beliefs and lifestyle. Now that is gone, does that mean I don’t truly love him? I don’t want some of the things that he wants in my life. How can we live together happily, but so differently. How can I change my paradigm? Often I just think it would be better to be alone where I wouldn’t have to worry about what he chooses to do. What kind of therapy would help me?
- Fantasy Marriage Grieving: This is what I call the work that focuses on letting go of the fantasies and/or unrealistic expectations regarding the ideal marriage we all dream of having prior to actually being married.
- Reparative Work: This is the work where we ask for or offer up forgiveness for the hurts that have been dealt out thus far. Open communication and the willingness to listen and be vulnerable are pivotal in this step.
- Marital Redefinition: This is the work where you redefine what your marriage can and will look like in the future – where realistic expectations are developed and nurtured. Collaboration and compromise are important factors here. This is also where the parental piece is looked at in depth.
- Generational Work: Looking at both negative and positive patterns that have been passed down the family tree that could be negatively affecting or could be used as a resource to the current situation.
- Positive Affirmation Work: Taking a look at the many strengths that are held both individually and as a couple. These are recognized, listed and used as resources for the future.