The Mormon Therapist
I am so thankful I found this blog! I am not really sure where to start.. I married my husband the day after I turned 18. I did this because I “thought” I loved him, and I was desperate to get out of my house. My father was abusive to my mother, and I couldn’t stand seeing it anymore, and couldn’t live with my dad anymore. We were sealed in the temple and I thought, “I can make this work.”
Overall, we have made this work. We have 5 amazing kids ranging from age 15 to 3. My husband works so hard for us so we can have a nice life. He would do ANYTHING for me or our kids. No questions from him or hesitation. We have an okay sex life. I am rarely in the mood and have to talk myself into it. I have no idea why…I am just not interested most of the time. I act like I am so he doesn’t feel bad. Here is my problem….I think I have never actually been in love with my husband. I like him, I care about him, but I honestly don’t know if I have loved him. I feel horrible about this. He is an amazing man and everyone tells me how lucky I am to have him. Why do I feel this way? I feel like he deserves better than me. I feel like he deserves to be loved and cared about like a “normal” wife would.
Tonight, we were out front talking with some neighbors in our ward. They commented on the fact that they have never seen us kiss in public. We have gone out on dates with this couple several times and NO, I do not kiss in public. I am a very private person. I know my husband wishes I was not this way, but I am. My neighbor then commented, do you even like each other? LOL
I was completely embarrassed and felt stupid. BTW, this couple is all over each other ALL the time. It got me thinking…. will we have anything in common once our kids are gone? Should I end this 17 year marriage because I think my husband deserves better? I am not all over my husband…should I be??
My husband could tell tonight that I was upset about what my neighbors had said. I told him I think I am a horrible wife and obviously, the neighbors can tell too!! I tried to tell him that I think he deserves a better life and that maybe we shouldn’t be together. He was shocked. I told him I have thought about this a lot. He cried and asked what can he do different so that I am happy? He is a sweetheart. The problem is me. I don’t think I can ever be completely happy. I don’t know what my problem is. Any suggestions??
- The fact that you come from a background where your parents had an abusive relationship is a red flag. I have spoken to this issue in the following post: Follow up on…. You are extremely lucky that you were able to escape the negative patterns that your parents offered as a role model to marriage, especially since you married at such an early age. Most escape their homes to find themselves in very similar situations in new, immature marriages. The fact that you avoided marrying someone who would be equally abusive to you is a huge step in the right direction and you should spend some time seriously contemplating this. Unfortunately the issues of fighting, tension and even abuse can bring about a false sense of intimacy for highly conflictual couples. Fighting, yelling, crying, etc., are very emotional processes that are usually followed up with equally powerful “make-up sessions.” This roller coaster is quite the adrenaline and hormonal ride. Many couples unfortunately thrive on this type of relationship. If this is what you grew up witnessing, then your current relationship where you describe your husband as kind, thoughtful and caring might seem mild or lacking passion (i.e. are we really “in love”?). It is extremely important that you become self-aware enough about how your background may be currently affecting how you perceive your spousal relationship.
- Many times when people get married early in their developmental process, they can have a difficult time later on during “mid-life crisis” years with feelings of having missed out on personal experiences that go along with the late teens and early twenties (i.e. dating, college, travel, etc.). The best way to deal with these feelings is to start developing self even while staying in the marriage (i.e. joining a club, taking up a new hobby, taking a class, etc.). Start looking at what it is that is missing in your life and begin to create it in your current context.
- Give yourself the chance to go about “falling in love” with your husband all over again. Make a list of all the current things you like and admire about him. Go back and revisit the reasons you “thought” you were in love to begin with and go from there. Challenge yourself to see your husband through a different lens: maybe how some of the people around you see him. It can be beneficial to do something completely out of character as a couple (i.e. take a dance class together, go on an unplanned trip just the two of you, go on a couple’s retreat, etc.). This can be a fun and exciting venture. Be assertive! I’m assuming that getting married young you started having children quickly and had to worry about finances, schedules, etc. By giving more focus to the matrimony you may surprise yourself in how quickly you may feel some significant changes. And FYI: liking and caring are part of loving. You may not be giving yourself enough credit for the feelings you already have developed for him.
- There is nothing wrong with being a private person when it comes to public displays of affection. In fact, some people can be a little too public with affection making others around them uncomfortable. What is important for any couple is to show affection in general. And this can be done privately or publicly (i.e. holding hands, giving a back rub in bed, giving a hello kiss when someone comes home, snuggling together to watch a TV show, etc.). It is also important to be willing to show some affection around your children so that they can see this positive role modeling that they can then use in their future relationships.
- I’m not sure that your neighbor’s comments were appropriate, even in jest. What is more important however, is that this situation hopefully can open a line of communication between you and your husband that has previously been taboo or unmentioned. Getting these feelings out in the open may be the catalyst you need as a couple to take it to the next level in your emotional and even physical intimacy.
- Ask your husband point blank what his perception is of you as a wife. Rather than giving yourself such a negative review, get his perspective on what it is he appreciates or loves about you.
- I have written previously about the consequences divorce has on children. Not that couples should only stay married because they have children, but it should definitely serve as a motivational tool to work on the marriage as much as possible before throwing in the towel.
- The following post might be beneficial for you to read: I’m afraid to commit to this relationship when I don’t know if I want to stay.
- I think you could benefit greatly from both individual and marital therapy. You should address the issues of not ever “feeling completely happy” as well as your sexuality and your relationship with your husband. I am always amazed at the progress that can be made when you have two willing partners in session trying to optimize their situation.
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