The Mormon Therapist
Thoughts for a man??
I’m hoping you might share some words of advice for a marriage that is deteriorating everyday. My wife and I have been struggling with an issue for over five years and its killing our marriage. We have three beautiful children and my wife is convinced that we should have another. I on the other hand do not.
Initially I wanted two kids. One of my biggest personal flaws is that I have very little, if any, patience. –a trait that I received/learned from my father. Given that the kids test my limits everyday, I don’t want them to grow up in an environment where “Dad” is constantly yelling and screaming all the time. I felt like 2 kids was my limit for being the best father I could. I was very open about this with my wife when we got married and started a family. We were older when we married so I also figured based on our ages 2 would be a good number.
After the second child my wife started pushing for a third. I resisted for three years but eventually gave in. Even though I felt like I was at my limit of being a good father that wasn’t tyrannical, I felt that supporting her desire to have another child was the right thing to do. The night I told her that I would support her desire to have a third child, I also asked her to understand that I felt like I was going beyond my limits to be a good father and a good role model for the kids I was and would be raising. I also asked her to commit to me that 3 would be it and that she wouldn’t take me through another emotional struggle about kids. She agreed and we had our third right away.
Fast forward two years and she begins to talk about “needing to know the right thing for our family” –AKA… should we have another baby.
My oldest child at this point is about 8 and I can already see that I’m passing along some traits I’m not really proud of. I’m absolutely opposed to having more kids. In my mind, my ability to keep it together and be a good Dad is already in the poor category and a fourth child will only make things worse. I talk to her about this and about our “deal.” Her response was that “its not our choice it’s the Lords.” I ask her if she has a specific feeling that we need to have another child. She tells me that she doesn’t but that she also is not comfortable with the feeling that we are done. We continue to talk about it, pray about it, but can’t come together. The more time passes, the more the tension builds around the topic. We avoid the tension by not talking about the subject –which makes me feel better, but her worse.
I’ve honestly struggled with the idea that I might be making a choice with eternal consequences. I have prayed and struggled and prayed and struggled to figure out if not having another child was upsetting the eternal plan. I had an experience in church that gave me peace with the idea that we are not to be directed in all things and that the Lord does expect us to make wise and thoughtful decisions for ourselves. I shared this with her but it only made me feel better not her.
It’s now been five years and besides my issues with ability and capacity, we have an issue with age. My wife is 41. She is well beyond the optimal child birthing years and into the years of all kinds of scary pregnancy problems. I am scared to death of the ramifications of having a child at this age. If we had a child with some kind of birth defect I couldn’t deal with it nor do I think I could get over the feelings of her forcing the pregnancy.
We are both miserable. We are growing farther and farther apart. I’m the bad guy because I’m standing in the way of what she feels is divine direction. I’m also a spiritual reject because I want to make a decision that she feels is not ours to make. She wants nothing to do with intimacy because it pains her that it’s not for the purpose of having another baby. At this point I’m feeling like a robot that is supposed pay the bills, do the chores, and raise the kids.
This issue has become a cancer –destroying our relationship a little more everyday.
Any advice would be much appreciated!
- The fact that you were open and upfront with your wife regarding your perceived limitations and the size of family you felt you could handle was the right thing to do. If your wife agreed to this arrangement with you then she also bears responsibility for being willing to marry you under this “contract” per se. The added fact that you went against your initial agreement to have your third child is a powerful show of loving compromise. I hope that your wife wasn’t agreeing to things she just hoped would turn out differently later.
- This idea that “it’s not our choice, it’s the Lord’s” is not correct. Everything in our doctrinal theology points the direction towards agency being a central part of the plan we currently find ourselves in. The Lord does give us guidance and has expectations for us, but the “choice” is ours. The following excerpt comes from True to the Faith: If you are married, you and your spouse should discuss your sacred responsibility to bring children into the world and nurture them in righteousness. As you do so, consider the sanctity and meaning of life. Ponder the joy that comes when children are in the home. Consider the eternal blessings that come from having a good posterity. With a testimony of these principles, you and your spouse will be prepared to prayerfully decide how many children to have and when to have them. Such decisions are between the two of you and the Lord.As you discuss this sacred matter, remember that sexual relations within marriage are divinely approved. While one purpose of these relations is to provide physical bodies for God’s children, another purpose is to express love for one another—to bind husband and wife together in loyalty, fidelity, consideration, and common purpose. These teachings show the importance of the following principles: 1-Once married, the importance of a couple deciding to have a family, 2-The importance of a couple being able to JOINTLY decide what is best for them, 3-The importance of including prayer as part of this process, 4-The importance of realizing that the WHEN to have children and the HOW MANY children is a personal matter for each couple, 5-The importance of sex in a marriage being used not only for procreation purposes but also to emotionally bond a couple in purpose and love, and 6- The importance of rearing these children in an atmosphere of “righteousness” and “joy.” I think what is most tragic about your situation, and couples like you, is that this disagreement causes a wedge between the couple and greatly hampers the happiness and feel of the home within the family you already have. So instead of enjoying the current situation and your beautiful children, you are caught up in a tense sadness and frustration that your children are no doubt picking up on. In fact if things continue as is, this marriage could end, a family dissolved with the ironic underlying reason being the picture of what the family was supposed to look like in the first place.
- Pregnancies do start becoming “high risk” after the age of 35. There have also been some links to problems when the father is over the age of 40. This doesn’t mean people should stop having children at these ages. There are many people who are having babies in these later years and are completely successful in their efforts. It just means that the risks are higher and need to be weighed when making the decision of expanding a family. I believe the risks go up significantly higher when a woman turns 43. Mayo Clinic has some relevant information regarding pregnancy risks that you may find useful.
- It will be important for you to remember as you communicate with your wife on this issue that there are many emotional factors involved for her. Out of all the roles she finds herself currently in, she probably most identifies with being a mother at this developmental stage of having small children. Her mothering instincts are strong and powerful as she does the very important job of being the primary caretaker of your children. Women also have to deal with the added pressure of the “biological clock”. Approaching menopause and feeling her childbearing options coming to an end can be a difficult psychological blow that many women find difficult to deal with. And giving up on the dream of having another child can also be difficult for any woman who has the desire to want more. However, having children is not an individual decision – it must be made jointly with both partners feeling good and “at peace” about the decision.
- I highly encourage you and your wife to seek marital therapy before things get any worse. Your goals should center around reclaiming your marital relationship, working on trust issues, addressing your sexuality and coming to an agreement on what you want the atmosphere in your home to be like moving forward. You have three children in the “here and now” who are counting on the both of you to do this work. The examples you both set for them regarding your marital affection, intimacy and communication is pivotal to their success in their future relationships.
- On a side note, it is good that you are aware of generational issues that have influenced you in lacking some attributes like “patience.” However, I would encourage you to take this awareness a step further and get the help you need to personally develop the skills you need to control temper and heighten things such as patience and good parenting skills. Don’t limit yourself to the philosophy of “this is how my father was, so this is how I will be.” Again, you can CHOOSE a different path and offer a healthier example to your kids. Although a difficult process, you can do this through personal therapy, self-help books, parenting classes, priesthood leadership accountability, etc.
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