The Mormon Therapist
I really like how you’ve set up your blog, and how much you can help others outside of a sit down, formal meeting. I wish I could get one of my best friends, and her husband to meet with you in person. Their marriage has been falling apart since after the ceremony (her words, not mine) and now she’s been putting so much emotion into trying to conceive and have a child (has one child, almost 3, and has had 4 miscarriages in the last year and a half) that she isn’t putting in anymore effort to help their relationship. She’s come to me for a shoulder to cry on, and to vent so many times. How could I get her to read your blog, or write to you without coming off as offensive? She called me about 3 weeks ago to tell me she was pregnant, again, and I haven’t had any communication with her since, assuming that she’s miscarried a 5th time.
- The most helpful thing a friend can offer is a listening and non-judgmental ear. Being willing to listen entails being quiet, empathizing with the situation (even if you’re not in agreement) and not butting in with your own issues or personal stories. In a good friendship there will be time for your issues or personal stories later.
- It is imperative that friends do not suggest divorce as a solution – even in the direst of situations. More than likely, the friend will not divorce (at least, not right away), the couple will go through a make-up process and then you are left in the awkward position of having said what you did. Even worse, the couple does divorce and then the friend comes back later (directly or not) and blames you for having influenced her on this decision.
- This does not mean that you can’t suggest getting appropriate help. After the role of listening has played out, it is perfectly appropriate to say, “Maybe this is something you need to get a professional opinion on. I see you hurting and at your wits end with the current situation. Quite frankly, I don’t know how to help other than just love and support you. There are lots of people whose situations improve with therapy. I came across this blog the other day – maybe you should check it out.”
- If you know a friend is in an abusive situation, you could encourage her to come up with a “safety” plan – where could she go, who could she call and how in a time of danger? This is where getting professional help or help through the bishop/relief society president (if your friend is a member) should be highly encouraged.
- Don’t tiptoe around obvious issues. People who are grieving can smell pity a mile away and usually resent it. They would rather people be upfront and honest than treat them as fragile or “falling apart.” For instance, if you are guessing your friend has had yet another miscarriage, don’t postpone calling her or seeking her out yourself. The situation of having any miscarriage, much less multiple ones, is immensely difficult for any woman wanting a child. I’m sure it must be hard for her to call everyone and tell them the latest news if this is what has happened. Be upfront and ask her directly what it is she needs from you. Serve her in ways she may not ask for. And treat her like you normally would. When in doubt, be honest – it’s better for you to say “I feel awkward and I don’t know what to say to you because I’m so sad” than to say nothing at all.
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