She Says This Is My Problem, Not Hers….

I’ve been completely shut down.

She is happy the way things are. Won’t do counseling. She says this is my problem not hers.

I appreciated your thoughts and suggestions. Sometimes, though, there is no hope — and I think that is where I am.

It is abysmally sad for me when a spouse states the “this is your problem, not mine” copout. Ideally in any healthy relationship, problems are seen as affecting the entire system and therefore, a team approach seen as the best method for problem solving. However, as I have mentioned on numerous other occasions, we have no control over another person – only control over ourselves. With that being said these are my next suggestions:

– I think it would be beneficial if your wife could somehow hear the message from someone other than yourself that withdrawing 100% sexually from your spouse is not appropriate in any marriage. Maybe you could ask your bishop or stake president to discuss proper sexual functioning within marriage as per gospel/church standards with you and your wife. You could also present her with literature (such as printing off some of my posts or find articles in the Ensign or other church/mental health publications that support your stance).

– Have you considered that she could be waiting things out as well? That maybe it is in her plan to leave you once the children are out of the home? Have you discussed with her your contemplations on divorce? Have you asked her flat out if she plans to leave you? Regardless of what she says, are you prepared for this outcome?

– Have you asked her if she’s happy with the relationship? I can’t imagine that she’s happy and everything is fine on her end, if you’re miserable on yours. If she states that she is happy, I would challenge that and ask her how she can be happy when she knows you are not.

– It may be time to present some “ultimatums” per se. In other words, clearly state your expectations of how the two of you should and could progress as a couple (i.e. attending marital/sex therapy – which I see as a must for your success together, seeing the bishop, working towards a sexual relationship and other types of intimacy). Be very clear that the status quo is not something you can continue with. And if she is not willing to participate in a “marriage” with you, then it may be time to explore other options. The only thing that I would caution against is threatening anything you don’t truly think you’ll follow through with. Meaning you have to start pondering what course of action you are truly prepared to take. What does the divorce option look like for you? What do you see as its pros and cons? If you want to state something that leaves you open options the following statement can be useful, “If we can’t figure out how to start working on our relationship as a couple (sexually, emotionally, and spiritually) then we could be facing some dire consequences. I don’t think our marriage will survive. I’m not sure I can stay with you like this for another 20 to 30 years. I’m not sure I trust that you will stay with me in this state. I hate that this is the example we are giving our children. The last thing I want is for our marriage and the family we’ve built to fall apart. But we need to do something! I need you to team up with me. I know we could do it. Whatever it is and however long it takes, if we’re both willing, I know we can overcome anything. I need to know if you’re with me or not.” This way you are not saying you will for sure leave and you are also still showing hope in your ability to succeed. Give her time to respond. “I don’t want you to answer me right now. I want you to think about it and pray about it and then come back and tell me what you’ve decided.” You can do this in both oral or written form.

– Worst case scenario with nothing ever changing in your relationship with your wife- what does the staying married option look like to you? Are there ways that you would be able to find personal fulfillment without counting on this from your wife?

– Sometimes what I suggest when there is a spouse that is not willing to change and the other is left contemplating divorce – is to do a practice run on your own. In other words, other than continuing to be civil and working together on logistics (i.e. paying bills, house chores, duties with children, etc.), pretend that you are no longer emotionally married. Do this for about 6 months to a year. Therefore, hold no marital-type expectations of your spouse and go on a self-exploration journey of the other ways you can find happiness and fulfillment. Treat your spouse like a friendly roommate – and this is key because you don’t want to be moping or acting grumpy at your spouse during this time (this attitude will undo your efforts). Go on a trip, reconnect with old friends, start up or dust off a hobby you love, focus on having fun with your kids, focus on your spirituality, spend some time focusing on yourself. I am by no ways encouraging an affair (physical or emotional) with another person (especially of the opposite sex) – instead, an affair with yourself. In fact, you can invite your spouse to join you in activities but don’t expect them to. Don’t expect anything! Sometimes, when people are able to disconnect themselves emotionally from the status quo, it allows the other person in the relationship to do or feel something differently and a possibility for the relationship to take a different road. At the end of the allotted time, you may find that you have a clearer distinction as to whether or not staying married is the best option for you, your wife and your children.

– Remember that any type of change takes time. Change is also an up and down process. You may feel like you are making progress and all of a sudden there is a backslide (1 step forward, 2 steps back). What people unfortunately do when this happens is give up too quickly. Expect relapse. It’s a normal part of any change.

I want you to stop telling yourself that there is no hope. You are only disempowering yourself when you feed this message to your brain on an ongoing basis. You have to start believing that there is hope! Look up every single scripture you can find on hope, contentment, happiness, profit, etc. and start underlying them in bright red! You may not know what your hope looks like – whether or not you will stay married, how you will find fulfillment, what your life will look like 5 years from now – but that hope does exist. Please don’t extinguish it’s possibilities. Take charge and get assertive with redefining and putting hope and happiness back in your life! Because ultimately your happiness is your responsibility.

She says this is my problem, not hers….