My husband’s illness has strained our marriage…

Thank you so much for your reply. I have searched for a site like yours a few times throughout our marriage. Your site is truly inspired. You are blessing people’s lives so much by what you do. I only wish you lived in our area so I could send my husband to you. 🙂 I also want to thank the three people who commented. It helps so much to hear that there are others out there that have gone through or are going through similar things. It has always felt like a very lonely situations, and I have felt like no one understands. By reading the comments made, I can tell that there are people who understand. It’s too bad there isn’t an online support group for LDS people who suffer with these problems.

I wanted to respond to your questions. My husband’s illness has definitely strained our marriage. I love him so much and will stand by him forever, but I feel helpless around him. He is so unhappy and there is nothing I can do to change it. Right now it dominates everything in my life. He is truly good to the core. He has such a big heart and is very selfless with others. He is an amazing father. He has a calm way of dealing with and disciplining our children that I love. He has a special bond with both of our kids.

Right now, I am not taking care of myself very well. I feel like it is all getting the better of me. I internalize all of it, and it tears me apart. I can’t share these feelings with my husband because then he comments that we should divorce so that I can marry someone that wouldn’t cause me pain. That is the last thing I want and it makes me feel like he doesn’t love me. I am going to start seeing a therapist just to have someone to bounce these things off of.

We actually have made our current bishop aware of our situation and that has helped a lot. We tried a new therapist this week, but it didn’t go very well. It is hard to find a therapist that is mormon (so they understand where he is coming from) who isn’t too over the top for my husband. I would love for him to see a psychiatrist, but he has little faith in medication. When we went through his medical records we found that he has tried literally every medication out there. He has had pretty bad side effects with almost all of them. He hasn’t tried very many combinations though. He is currently on a combination that helps with his anxiety, but doesn’t touch his OCD or depression. I want to look into support groups like one of the commenters said. He will probably go back to this new therapist and see how it goes a second time. You can’t exactly just pick a therapist’s name out of a phone book when you are looking for someone who is LDS so I feel helpless in finding him someone.

Your blog has actually helped a lot and I plan to try to get him to try some of your suggestions, but other than your response it seems like we just hit a lot of dead ends. I still feel there is a lot to be concerned about with him being suicidal, but am trying everything I can think of.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and helpful response. It really has been a source of great comfort to me. Please keep doing what you do because it helps so much.

You are very welcome! I’m glad to hear that you are finding this blog helpful.

I am also glad that you wrote back sharing more of how this disease is affecting you directly as the wife. It will be pivotal for you to get better at the “self-care” piece if you want a better chance at the “happily ever after.” Here are some thoughts:

• I want you to do your best to accept that very little of your husband’s reactions and state of mind have to do with you. I hope you can work to STOP personalizing his responses and STOP trying to take responsibility for his actions/feelings/suicidal thoughts/etc. You do not want to become an enabler. He is a grown man and he will do better if you treat him as such and expect him to act as such. Play to his strengths, which sound numerous. This will be difficult at first, but once you know what to look for it will get easier.
• Once you’re better able to stop taking his OCD symptoms personally, you will be better able to do the following: I would like for you to adopt a very calm, business-like, matter-of-fact type of approach when problem-solving and discussing feelings/issues with your husband. For example you say: “I am feeling overwhelmed and want to get help for our marriage.” He says, “We might as well just get divorced. You deserve better than this.” You say CALMLY with little emotion in your voice and a smile on your face (just like you’re talking about the weather), “That’s silly. I chose you for my husband – OCD and all. I love you. We just need help like most people. I want to start marital counseling and I’ve looked up some names. How does next week sound?”
• It will be important for both you and your husband to separate the disease from the person. Get mad at OCD – not at each other. Understand the limitations and the challenges that come along with this particular disorder so that you can easily recognize the symptoms. Then when they happen it is easy to say, “Oh that’s just the OCD rearing its head. Let’s move on.”
• Has your husband EVER seen a psychiatrist? A psychiatrist is much better equipped to get the right combination regarding meds than a primary care physician – especially in more complicated cases such as this one.
• I would encourage you to ask therapists if they have experience working with OCD before you hire them. I don’t necessarily think you should limit yourselves to finding an LDS therapist (depending in what type of geographical area you live in). There are many non-LDS therapists who can be equally helpful and who bring the non-bias of not being of our religion. In other words, there will be pros and cons either way. If you don’t feel comfortable with the therapist, move on to a new one. I would encourage you to be part of the treatment as his spouse. You may want to consider some individual sessions yourself to help you learn some strategies and skills on how to deal with this disorder.

Many online support groups are started by people who are the ones suffering from whatever ails them. Their sites attract others with similar concerns. With blogs being available for free it is a fairly easy process to get one started. If you and/or your husband decide you might want to try such an endeavor regarding OCD amongst LDS members I’d be happy to post your link on my site.

I am always available for telephone/on-line/skype consultation, therapy, chat, support, etc. if you would like to use me as a resource.