The Mormon Therapist
Frankly, I don’t believe this statement:
After we married in the Provo temple, I was a little nervous to let my wife know that I masturbate, but that is not the kind of thing a husband should keep secret from his wife so I gave her a little demonstration and she squealed with surprise and delight when I climaxed.
I often masturbated for her after that and I still do. In fact, I think I will tonight.
And in this statement, “As far as what we are doing when we learn of a spouse’s incorrect behavior” are you really calling masturbation incorrect behavior?
No, it is human behavior, as natural as breathing. The church has caused its males – and, I am certain, many of its females as well – to suffer so much needless and unjustified torment.
I remember when I discovered masturbation, quite by accident, at the age of 10. Afterward I prayed and prayed and prayed and as I did, under the scornful eye of my dead ancestors – all of whom were righteous and not one of whom had ever done such a thing.
I repented of this “sin” countless times, but my penis was always with me and it would just get hard and stiff and I would get all agitated and I had to do something about it.
I am happy to hear that you were able to, from the beginning of your marriage, be honest with your wife about masturbation and that you have been able to incorporate this practice into your sexual life together. Sounds like you are having fun which is very healthy.
A few thoughts on your comments:
- It may not have been the case for you and your wife, but there remain many members of the church who have a difficult time discussing masturbation. I believe women more so than men have been less educated about masturbation in both our LDS and overall cultures. I have found that especially women who have never masturbated themselves, are usually under the assumption (false or not) that their husband does not masturbate and maybe even has never masturbated. For these women to suddenly find out that this is not the case can leave them feeling extremely hurt, confused and betrayed. I have also found that in these types of relationships where sexuality is not spoken of openly, there is often an underlying current of secrecy, shame, and limited communication about other issues as well. Therefore, it is possible for some LDS women to see masturbation as a very serious sin – even grounds for divorce. However, I am not aware of any research that would support the word “most” that the commenter used in their statement.
- As far as masturbation being “correct” or “incorrect” behavior, I believe I have discussed this matter at length in previous posts which you can find under the Blog Topics part of my blog labeled masturbation. I do agree that natural sexual urges can lead many to masturbation typically beginning in their childhood and adolescent years. In fact most research on masturbation shows that almost all men and most women have masturbated at some time or another. However, gospel teachings make it pretty clear that just because we have natural urges does not mean that they are urges we should always act upon. For example, we all have the urge to eat. It is a natural, God-given urge (just like sex). However, if I choose to eat a dozen doughnuts versus celery sticks I have made a choice regarding my eating that leads me to a less healthy, less happy state than I could have had otherwise. And what really stinks is that the doughnuts taste BETTER than the celery sticks (at least they do to me). So in the moment of eating my dozen doughnuts I may be fooling myself that I am indeed making a happy choice. If I only take into account what my physical urges are telling me at a particular point of time, I will more than likely make poor choices regarding my overall health. However, if I’ve been educated about and understand the effects of sugar/refined flour, the purpose of vegetables, natural cravings, etc., then I am in a better position to eat a healthier diet. Will I always be perfect at it? Probably not. But overall, I will be healthier. Even with your breathing example, not all air is made the same. We are currently seeing many of the negative effects of breathing in air pollutants. This is why the correct and loving sexual education of our children and adolescents is imperative to their overall sexual health. Will most of our children masturbate at some point of their lives? Absolutely! And this is the first piece of information LDS parents have to deal with. HOW we deal with it will greatly influence the amount of unnecessary shame our children deal with in the long run. Letting them know about sex, what it’s purposes are, the fact that it is a normal and wonderful part of life, what they can expect to feel in their younger years, what hormones do, what masturbation is, what the church guidelines are about masturbation, why these guidelines exist, and your hopes and desires for their healthy sexual development should all be included in the continuing discussion parents have with their children.
- I will say specifically that if a person is masturbating without their spouse knowing about it – I do believe this is incorrect behavior that will lead to secrecy and decreased intimacy within the marriage.
- My last point is that my goal on this blog is that we may be able to discuss ANY topic that is of legitimate concern to its readers. I hope that by doing so we will be giving voice to so many who never speak about these types of topics and who are left wondering if they are alone in their struggles, questions, and concerns. To be able to do this in the most successful fashion, all of us who participate need to discuss, challenge, disagree and bring up topics in a respectful way using respectful language. I am completely aware that there are sex addicts or others who may struggle reading some of our content without finding it excitable and/or arousing. There are also others who may find the content on this blog extremely offensive even when it is discussed respectfully. Therefore, I would welcome any further comments from you in the future but would ask that you do so in a more respectful fashion. I do not want to turn comments away because of this issue. Thank you.
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