The Mormon Therapist
Love your blog- thank you so much for taking the time to answer questions.
I have a great relationship with my husband. After nine years of marriage, we are open, honest, best of friends, and now trying to work harder at a better sex life. My husband is always ready and willing, but I have a harder time trying to get in the mood. I many times wish that he were in better physical shape, and maybe that could “turn me on” much faster (or at all). I feel so vain for having these thoughts! We have discussed him getting in better physical shape, which is something he wants to do, and is working at it, but I am not sure how committed he is. My question is, first, am I wrong for wanting this? And second, do you have any tips for me to focus on something else instead of the extra weight I see? How would you approach this delicate subject without hurting your spouse’s feelings? Help!
Glad to know that you’re finding this blog useful!
Telling a spouse that one finds them unattractive (especially sexually) can be an extremely hurtful thing to do, often ending with results counter from one wants to begin with. When people feel unattractive and badly about their appearance it can begin a downward spiral into low self-esteem and depression. This in turn affects relationships and usually does very little to put the spark into anyone’s sex life.
Even with the best of intentions, it can be difficult to find the energy and capacity it takes to adopt a healthier lifestyle which will result in better looks. We see the overweight dilemma affecting millions of people in our country – to the point that it’s being called an epidemic. About two-thirds of US adults are overweight or obese. Although the solution seems simple – eat less, exercise more – the grand majority of those trying to lose weight find it hard to do so and even harder to keep it off (about 20% are successful in maintaining a weight loss). Last year alone, we spent an estimated $46 billion on diet products and self-help books.
Here are some specific thoughts for you:
- You only have control over yourself. You will have very little control on whether or not your husband will lose weight. And if you engage in a mother/son type of relationship regarding this issue (i.e. nagging, judging his “commitment”, being the one who “knows best”), you will more than likely sabotage any efforts he’s making and make matters worse rather than better. The only thing you will achieve is feeling more competent at something than he.
- When discussing this issue, rather than talking in terms of sexual attractiveness choose instead of communicating about overall health. And not just for him but for your entire family. This is where you can be very honest about your concerns and your best wishes for him, yourself, and your children (if you have any).
- You can make efforts to make your home a healthier environment with or without him – the types of foods you buy and/or prepare, the types of activities you choose to participate in (going on family walks for instance), budgeting for a gym membership (a YMCA or community center can be a great investment for the entire family if you have one nearby), dedicating family home evenings to health topics, etc.
- Your example will speak much louder than words. Focus on your own self-care rather than his.
- I encourage you to challenge yourself in the “how” you find your husband attractive. I wrote a recent post on attraction where I address the fact that the attraction we feel for a spouse will more than likely develop and/or change throughout a marriage. This is a normal process of being in a committed relationship with one person over a long period of time. All bodies change, especially as we age. Whether we like it or not, after the age of 25 we are all in deterioration mode. There are obviously many things we can do to slow this process down and take good care of ourselves – but no matter what we do wrinkles will appear, sagging will begin, health issues will arise, etc., etc. Therefore, it is important to stay not only physically attracted to our spouses (and be willing to redefine that throughout our journey) but even more so, to stay emotionally and spiritually attracted. I recently overheard a husband say to his wife, “I am committed to loving you through whatever stage you’re in.” What a powerful statement! I believe that if your husband can feel sincerely comfortable in your presence, he will have a much better chance of successfully reaching his goals – whatever they may be. You state at the beginning of your comments that your husband is your friend and that you have a strong relationship. Therefore, there must be many things you find attractive about him. Focus on these things and try always to see him through the lens your Father in Heaven sees him. When you’re with him sexually, look into his eyes and connect with his soul, with his being, rather than only with his body.
- Focusing on your own body’s responses as you enjoy your husband’s touch and caress is another way to keep your arousal more about things you can control rather than things you can’t.
- Compliment him every chance you get. When is the last time you told him he is sexy or handsome? If you have children I highly recommend complimenting a spouse in front of them as well (i.e. “look how handsome your Daddy looks in that suit!”). I’m not saying to lie, but if there is a look he gives you that stirs something within, or if he’s wearing something you like, or if he smells good – tell him and tell him often! The best way to have a sexy, attractive spouse is to treat them as such. Not only will this help him feel more attractive and act more accordingly, but it will also help you feel your attraction to him.
- You say that you guys are trying to work on bettering your sex life. This leaves me wondering what were the struggles you have found up until now in having the sex life you both want? Has it always been the problem of physical attraction? Are there deeper seeded issues that you are struggling with and maybe not facing? In other words, is your husband’s physical appearance an easier thing to focus on than something else that is harder for you to deal with? This may not be the case, but it would be something I’d be asking if you were my client.
Good luck and I hope both you and your husband can enjoy each other in every aspect as you move forward.
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