Can physical/sexual attraction develop over time?

• There is an aspect to attraction that we have little control over. For whatever visual, cultural, social and biological reasons we may find ourselves attracted to a certain person and not to someone else. There is research that supports the idea that males are more visually stimulated than females. For females things like stability, personality and economics may prove more attractive than mere looks. These more than likely have an evolutionary aspect to them.
• However, we also know that relationships that are solely based on “attraction” are not going to get far. Physical attraction might be the first step for some, but if the couple is going to make a serious go at it they need to develop a deeper friendship, good communication skills, problem-solving skills, mutual respect and sincere love and concern for the other.
• The other problem with physical attraction is that physical bodies change. We all age, women get pregnant, most of us gain weight over time and lose muscle mass (i.e. become flabbier), we have scars or stretch marks that come with life’s journey, etc. So people who find their spouses “attractive” after 25+ years of marriage are no longer basing this attraction solely on the visual stimulus in front of them. They have developed a much richer and deeper attraction that envelopes the many complexities of the person they have grown with, been challenged by, laughed and cried with, formed a family with, etc. Also as we age, we see the physical world around us through a different lens. A 40 year old woman’s body may not have seemed particularly attractive to a boy of 18 and yet now as he turns 45 he is still in awe of his wife’s physical beauty – even with any imperfections it may have. This is a more mature and deeper seeded attraction.
• What I’m getting at is that there is another aspect of attraction that we do have control over. This includes our ability and willingness to see the divinity, the worth, the beauty, and the strengths of the one we have chosen to get old with, even with their imperfections. Much of this has to do with how attractive we keep ourselves (and I’m not just referring to physical attraction, but to emotional and spiritual attractiveness as well). And are we able to continually focus our energies on the positives that we see in our partner versus the negatives. I refer once again, to Robin William’s quote in Good Will Hunting (and please excuse the language – it’s just so classic!): Sean: My wife used to fart when she was nervous. She had all sorts of wonderful idiosyncrasies. You know what? She used to fart in her sleep. Sorry I shared that with you. One night it was so loud it woke the dog up. She woke up and gone like “oh was that you?” I’d say yeah…I didn’t have the heart to tell her….[laughing]
  Will: She woke herself up?
  Sean: Yesssss…..aahhh, but, Will, she’s been dead two years and that’s the shit I remember. Wonderful stuff, you know, little things like that. Ah, but, those are the things I miss the most. The little idiosyncrasies that only I knew about. That’s what made her my wife. Oh, and she had the goods on me, too, she knew all my little peccadillos. People call these things imperfections, but they’re not, aw, that’s the good stuff. And then we get to choose who we let in to our weird little worlds. You’re not perfect, sport. And let me save you the suspense. This girl you met, she isn’t perfect either. But the question is: whether or not you’re perfect for each other. That’s the whole deal. That’s what intimacy is all about. Now you can know everything in the world, sport, but the only way you’re findin’ out that one is by givin’ it a shot.

So, here are some specific answers to your questions:

• Yes, physical/sexual attraction can develop over time – for both males and females although this may be a more common process for females.
• Yes, some sort of physical/sexual attraction is important for marriage. However, it is important to not have this be THE most important aspect of your relationship.
• I would not marry a person hoping for something to change later (it doesn’t matter what that “something” is). If you’re not happy with the person or the relationship as it currently stands – then move on. Too many people try to “change” their partner in some shape or form after marriage and this is an intimacy killer from the get go.
• However, it is appropriate to move into a courtship or dating relationship with someone to see if certain feelings develop. This isn’t being “dishonest” – it’s about exploring possibilities. That’s what dating is supposed to be about – a trial relationship where both can see if things should move forward or not. If they don’t you will both still have learned about the qualities and traits you are ultimately looking for.