I Feel Very Tied Down And Constrained In Our Relationship…

I need to get this big weight off my shoulders about how I feel and the things happening in my life right now.

In my relationship with my wife, she says sex and intimacy must be separate.

Physical intimacy can not be given for fear that it will lead to sex. (We can’t have intercourse right now because we had a baby 4 weeks ago.) She will hug me if I ask and kiss me I think if she feels sorry for me.

I said “I love you”, she said “You have been making a herculian effort to love me and that says a lot about you”. Then she said she is unlovable and there must be something wrong with me because I love her.

I decided to watch her and write down compliments so I could see the positive in her. While watching her I easily came up with a page and a half of her interactions with our children but there were only three compliments for her interactions with me and two of the three were questionable.

I do not feel love coming from her and my heart aches. I told her this and that I needed her. She continued to play Legos with our oldest. I went in the other room and cried. I came back and asked for her again this time she came. She didn’t now what to do for me and seemed annoyed. I asked her to hold me (Hug). I also asked her if her heart also ached. She said it was numb. She held me for a while. Then I started to cry uncontrollably. She kept holding me. Later she said her not coming was because she thought I was speaking figuratively not literally.

Her expression is blank when she knows I’m hurting. To me, she has no feeling for me.

She says I am the best dad, most helpful person and the most loving.

She says someday she hopes she will be happy she married me.

I asked her if it hurt her to see me hurting. She says no, she has blocked it. I asked her if she could unblock it. She said that would make her cry. Then she verbally attacked me (can’t remember what it was). Then she said something to the effect of “it’s not nice to make a girl cry”)

In the morning I was thinking intimate thoughts about her. I am afraid to initiate anything. Attempts at intimacy and sex lead to feeling emotionally bruised. I have not initiated sex since last August because I have felt so stung for being pushy and critical. So I got up. Then I decided to go back and tell her the things I was thinking about. She said she wished we could talk to a counselor again. (We went to a sex therapist for help a few years ago). These ideas were the last thing in the world she was interested in (sex and intimacy). I told her I also wanted counseling. When she saw that I was serious about this she kind of got cold feet but said she would go through with it if that is what I wanted. I asked her if she was willing to improve herself for our marriage. She said, “I think so”.

I feel very tied down and constrained in our physical relationship. I can’t get the love I need as an individual. I feel she dictates our physical relationship. In this area of our life and others she builds emotional walls that never come down. We have a method of taking care of my sexual needs in the shower that don’t require intimacy or intercourse. This is what we use the vast majority of the time.

My wife is a little afraid of me lately because during this holiday I have had extreme mood swings. Not anger or anything physical, just happiness to deep sadness. I try to be positive and then the weight of not being able to connect on a loving level with my wife crashes down on me and the heavy feeling of grief is hard to bear.

After reading Natasha’s blogs noted that children deserve to have parents that interact with each other in a healthy way. This was a reason for divorce. Before this, I felt that if my wife dictated our relationship that the best thing would be to stay together, forefooting my happiness and stick it out for the children if nothing else. After receiving this information, I contemplated divorce and told my wife this as well. She cried and said I made her feel like she is the whole problem. She says I am critical, self righteous and manipulative. I accepted her criticism as truth and said I would not pursue divorce if counseling was not successful. This is the first time I have considered divorce. She has threatened me with it a few times to get me so I don’t want sex.

It is 6:00 in the morning. At this time I feel like I should take my heart back for now. I have moved down to the basement bedroom. She just came to me crying. She does not want divorce. I forgive her and I will keep forgiving her. But for now, I feel I should keep my heart and no longer trust her with it.

Sorry for this bleak note. I needed to share.

I’m very sorry to hear about the difficulties you and your wife are having together. I most definitely encourage the two of you to start counseling as soon as possible. You mention that you just had a baby 4 weeks ago, which in of itself can be a difficult transition and your wife may even be facing issues related to postpartum depression. Even if she is not actually depressed, it can take women up to 2 years to recover both physically and hormonally from having a baby. However, it sounds like the problems you describe have been in place longer than this pregnancy. Therefore, the pregnancy and birth may be exacerbating the problems but they are not the root cause.

Several of the comments you make made me question whether you are both not suffering possibly from depression or other mental health issues. Again, seeing a good therapist and possibly even a psychiatrist may help you sort these things out. It is very difficult to have healthy, intimate relationships when there may be diagnostic issues such as depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, etc. Mood swings can generally be helped by both medication and talk therapy. Mood swings are dangerous because if they are severe enough, this is when people can become suicidal.

I want to clarify that there is no one good reason for divorce. Divorce is an option (a complicated one that in of itself brings about many unforeseen issues), but I would highly discourage this route if steps such as professional counseling have not been seriously considered and tried. Yes, children greatly benefit from seeing their parents interact in positive and loving ways. They also usually benefit when their parents stay together (unless there is violence or serious abuse taking place). Since the two of you have just recently added to your family, I would encourage taking this option off the table for the time being.

I am left wondering how many children you have, at what age difference, and when in the marriage did you begin having them? In other words, have the stressors of childbearing been overwhelming for your relationship? If you are considering divorce, I would encourage you as a couple to hold off having any more children until you resolve deeper seeded issues.

Although it is important to feel love and affection from your spouse (and also normal to feel unfulfilled when this relationship is not what one had hoped), it is also equally important to be able to develop the self and be somewhat emotionally self-reliant. I wonder about things like your self-esteem, whether or not you have developed hobbies or interests separate from your wife’s, if you enjoy spending time with your children, etc.? Sometimes an overly-needy person can feel annoying – especially in the developmental stage of child rearing since your wife has several other naturally needy people to care for as well. Although this is understandable, it is not appropriate to dismiss the emotional and physical needs of one’s spouse. It seems as if you are in the role of pursuer in your relationship. And although, it is traditional and usually effective for the man to pursue the woman, you guys are stuck in a rut that isn’t working. Again, counseling should help you sort these things out.

I like that you took the time to look at your wife’s positive traits and that you were able to come up with such an extensive list. You obviously love her and want to be loved by her – both good and wholesome things. It sounds like she is also willing to reach out to you, as in the case when she came to ask for your forgiveness. These are positive signals that mean both of you are still invested in your marriage. Both of you still want to make this work. And work is what it will take. Work, love, self-control and patience.

I wish you both the very best, especially as this new year begins. May it hold much progress for your relationship.

I feel very tied down and constrained in our relationship…