The Mormon Therapist
I just found out that my husband has probably been having an affair. It doesn’t come as a complete surprise because a couple of months ago he told me that he feels we are growing apart, since then I have had major trust issues(I thought unjustified). He travels for work, the first years of our marriage I traveled with him, but he is only in a city for a couple months and it is impossible to raise kids in a hotel so now we are living in my parents’ basement.
We have separate bank accounts. We are in some financial woes right now, and so I was shredding the mail and just happened to see what his bank account was in October. So I looked more closely at the transactions because we had a lot of money in October. I found that he would go out to eat and spend $100. At first it didn’t alarm me, he travels for work and a lot of the time he and the other guy that he travels with will trade off paying for the meal…but this was happening at least daily.
The dead giveaway was FLOWERS! There was a charge for Flowers on my birthday…and then 2 days later there was another charge for a different amount(MORE). And then to top it all off I found a charge to a jewelery store for over $500.00. I am trying to be calm. No one has seen me cry. My little girl came downstairs while I was praying and asked why I was praying, but she quickly left. My husband is away taking pictures in Moab and will be back probably tomorrow night. HOW do I address this with him????
He is NOT active, so I doubt he would be willing to even think about going to the bishop. He did tell me recently that he would be willing to see a counselor but NOT LDS social services.
Please offer any advice.
- Financial evidence aside, I would trust your gut instinct. When one feels distant, cautious, lacking trust, or that something is amiss in a relationship there is usually a reason to support those feelings. I agree that the signs you mention are definitely red flags and an affair is more than likely a real possibility.
- It is important to recognize that there are different levels of affairs. Even if an affair has not turned physical or sexual, emotional affairs can be just as damaging.
- I would encourage you to confront your husband with the information you came across in as calm of a manner as possible. Although you may justifiably feel like screaming and carrying on in a temper fashion, a calm and business-like demeanor will get you a lot farther as far as being able to communicate clearly, create appropriate boundaries and make it more likely that your husband will come clean with as much information as possible.
- When a cheating spouse is prepared to come clean and comes forward on their own it is usually a smoother process. They are usually in a place where they have decided to end the marriage or they have reached a repentant stance and are ready to do the work to salvage the marriage. A cheating spouse on the other hand that is “caught” is usually unprepared to deal with the consequences of their behavior and therefore often deny an affair, minimize their actions or even turn to blame. They are more prone to continue to lie and may partly disclose but not come forward with all of the information regarding the infidelity. They may also not be yet in a repentant stance. If they have developed an emotional relationship with the person they are having an affair with, they can find it difficult to completely sever ties (which is a necessary step if the marriage is to move forward appropriately). Therefore, you need to be prepared for your husband’s response to not be completely honest or even one where he is asking for your forgiveness just yet.
- Once this information is out in the open, I highly suggest that you enter marital counseling. Both LDS and non-LDS therapists will have much in common when working with couples where there has been an affair. In essence, this is still a value that we share with most in our culture – affairs are not acceptable in a marital relationship. So I would not be discouraged if your husband is not wanting to see an LDS therapist as long as he is willing to go to counseling. AAMFT.org is a good site where you can find therapists specifically trained in marital work in your area.
- There are many couples that make it through an affair and choose to stay together. There are also many that decide this is the end of their relationship. A lot of this decision has to do with the attitude of both spouses, other underlying problems that the couple is facing or has faced in the past, whether or not the couple has children, etc. For the marriage to survive, there definitely needs to be an attitude of regret/sorrow from the cheater and one of forgiveness ultimately from the one who has been cheated on. There also needs to be a rebuilding of trust. There needs to be responsibility taken from both owners of the relationship for the relationship. However, these concepts are processes that take work, patience and time.
- It is appropriate for you to figure out what you want your boundaries to look like while and if you choose to work on your marriage. For instance, you may ask your husband to move out for a time being or you may feel comfortable still living together. You may decide you do not want to have sexual relations or you may still want to. If you choose to continue having sex with your husband, be aware that if he has been sexually unfaithful you now have to worry about the possibility of contracting a sexually transmitted disease. As you create these boundaries, keep in mind that children should not be used as manipulation tools, threats, allies, etc. Your children will need a healthy relationship with both you and your husband regardless of the outcome of this problem. Do not belittle your spouse to your child. This technique usually ends up backfiring anyway. If you do separate (even temporarily) appropriate visiting and custody arrangements should be made to ensure the emotional and developmental needs of the children.
- Although your husband may not feel comfortable turning to the bishop, you still can. The bishop can be a good supportive resource for you especially in the area of your spirituality. Be sure to express your needs of confidentiality as you confide in him and decide whether or not you want others being made aware of your situation such as home teachers, visiting teachers, the Relief Society President, etc.
- It is normal for you to find yourself in a state of shock at this time. You will feel as though you need to put on a “mask” per se in front of your child and/or others. It may feel surreal as you go through the normal parts of your day trying to act as if nothing has happened when in many ways your world is falling apart. You will feel a myriad of emotions from anger, sadness, betrayal, compassion, love and rage. I’m glad to see that you are turning to your relationship with your Heavenly Father. Prayer will be a balm for you during this time and I encourage you to use it often.
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