My Problem Is The Temple...

I’m going to try to be very, very careful and respectful as I ask this question. My husband and I were married in October of this year. Our marriage is fantastic… that’s not my problem. My problem is the temple. I received my endowment two weeks before our marriage. I was extremely anxious for months before that date, and for several days after I was the most depressed I’d ever been, bordering on suicidal. I have always been a faithful member of the church. I am also highly intellectual, a “feminist” and deep thinker. I have never shied away from doctrinal issues, but it’s also very hard for me to take things purely on faith. However, I have always been able to soldier on in the gospel until now. I hated, hated, hated the temple, and I don’t know who to talk to. Family members, the bishopric, even my dear sweet husband… everyone was sympathetic but no one was able to really understand or help. I am in the process of seeking a counselor to help me manage my anxiety, but I don’t know where to turn. I’m afraid an LDS counselor will make me feel like this is my fault (even though I am trying so hard to understand and appreciate the temple), and of course I can’t discuss it with a non-LDS counselor. My husband and I are attending the temple again this week for the first time since we married, and I have again been plunged into a deep hole of anxiety and fear. Please offer any advice, and thank you for this blog.

It is not uncommon for members to come away from their first temple experience with anxious or uncomfortable feelings – to the point of not wanting to return. The temple ceremonies are quite different from our usual ways of worship – they are founded mostly on ritual. And rituals can feel uncomfortable to those who are not used to performing or participating in them: they tend to have somewhat of an archaic feel. But rituals can serve as a different type of learning tool that many find useful and beautifully symbolic. I’m sure that discomfort reported by members is part of the reason why the church has developed temple preparation classes, which I’m wondering if you attended prior to going.

I, like you, also identify myself as an intellectual, a feminist, and a deep thinker – as do many of the women I have come across in this great faith of ours. I have spoken with many of these women about the temple rituals which in essence symbolize some of our basic teachings. It is interesting to see how members of our church choose to look at and think about the temple ceremonies in vastly different ways. I have spoken to women who find the temple ceremony demeaning or macho while others find it liberating and uplifting.

Here are some thoughts:

Although I am not surprised you had a difficult time with your first time at the temple, I am concerned with the level of difficulty you are describing to the point of having suicidal thoughts. I am left wondering if issues of anxiety and/or depression have been present in your life prior to this experience?
You describe being highly anxious about attending the temple before you went. Why was this? What had you heard about the temple? Are there people in your life influencing you to have a negative outlook on the temple ceremonies even before you had the chance to formulate your own opinions? Did these preconceptions limit your ability to interpret the temple ceremonies in more than one way?
Do not feel like you have to return to the temple before you are ready to do so. Although many resolve their issues with the temple as they return, get more accustomed to the ceremonies and gain more understanding, you have time on your side. I would not encourage you to rush into returning especially if you are feeling increased anxiety at the prospect.
The fact that your husband is supportive and sympathetic to your feelings is a great resource for you. He may not know exactly what to say or do to help you through this problem, but just the fact that you feel support from him is extremely positive. Make sure you let him know this.
Let me be very clear in communicating to you that NOTHING is worth taking your own life. You may be facing some very difficult doctrinal and theological issues that you will sort out throughout your life: and these issues many times do cause anxiety, confusion, and distress. In fact a theological journey is usually an ongoing one. As we take steps to learn and understand, we are usually left thinking and learning about even more. If it comes to the point that you need to part ways with the beliefs of our church, that would be a better choice than resorting to suicide.

Ultimately your journey through temple worship and how it ties into your overall testimony of the gospel will be your own. However, I encourage you to speak with a good LDS counselor who will allow for your ambivalent feelings and who will not encroach their beliefs onto you. It may take some shopping around to find someone you are comfortable with. A good therapist should not make you feel as if you are “to blame.” It will be important for you to discuss any issues or concerns with your therapist directly as they come up. I encourage my clients to do so often. Many therapists can unknowingly leave their clients feelings ways they are not aware of. It is also important for you to try and separate how a therapist may be legitimately making you feel versus the biases you may bring to the therapy setting yourself. In other words, if you believe an LDS therapist will blame you, you may look at all that therapist says or does through a blaming lens which will in turn affect the work you are able to accomplish. I am available through telephone and/or skype sessions if you would like to pursue that route and I would be comfortable discussing these types of issues with you. I also encourage you to approach other LDS women you know, respect and trust (i.e. your Relief Society President, your visiting teachers, family members, friends, etc.). You may not agree with many of them on how they choose to interpret the temple ceremonies, but over time you may get a well-rounded perspective on how other LDS women think through similar thoughts and/or concerns.

I wish you the best on your spiritual journey. May you find the comfort and peace you seek. Whether or not you choose to worship in the temple, whether or not you stay in our church, my testimony is that you can still always rely on the basic principle of prayer and your relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. They are invested in your worth and divinity. They understand your status and role as woman, wife, daughter and sister. They honor and cherish your femininity and intellect. They expect others to honor these things as well.

My problem is the temple…