My Wife Has Had An Emotional Affair…

My wife has been involved in a relationship with a former boyfriend, a spiritual or emotional affair it might be called (as per the article in the September Ensign by Kenneth Matheson). It developed to a point where there was a short period of intense romantic involvement, including discussion about being together longer term, but there was no sexual contact (I think one brief kiss at the end when she finished it)

I have personally found this completely devastating – in many ways whether there was sexual contact or not makes little difference. It’s the betrayal that hurts, and wondering now if I am second best. Additionally, as I said to my wife, we had sex on our wedding night and can still have sex now, but it’s the trust and emotional intimacy that has taken over 20 years of marriage to build that has been severely damaged, if not destroyed. Therefore, whilst of course sexual relations would have made it harder to recover from, it has still put our marriage in severe jeopardy.

Having said that, I am trying to believe her when she says that it was a foolish error and bitterly regrets it, and doing my best to forgive.

My question is whether, since there were no sexual relations, this should be confessed to a Priesthood leader?

Emotional affairs can be as devastating to a marriage as sexual affairs. The main reasons for this are:

deception is involved and
the turning to another for the needs that should have been met within the marriage.

So you are correct in describing the consequences of broken trust and creeping doubts that can be detrimental to any relationship.

I’m glad that your wife was able to stop the affair before it became sexual (although even a kiss crosses over to the physical aspect of a relationship). I’m assuming that she came to you with this information? If this is the case, it is a positive sign that she was willing to come clean, choose your marriage, and move forward.

I suggest that you both follow the same steps as if there had been a physical affair:

Repentance process including an ecclesiastical leader. I always recommend that the couple go in together to the bishop’s office as a united front for the first disclosure. I think this is both beneficial for the one who cheated and for the one who was cheated on. It helps the processes of accountability and reparation. Individual meetings, if necessary, can be held consequently.
Marital Counseling that can help you both take inventory of your relationship (its strengths and weaknesses), work on rebuilding trust and develop the communication that needs to take place for the forgiveness and understanding needed to put this circumstance behind you.

It takes time to recover from this type of situation and the feelings you describe are normal. However, it is also important to know that you CAN rebuild trust, you CAN have a successful relationship and that you CAN use this issue for your relationship’s benefit rather than its detriment. I wish you both the very best!

Emotional Affairs 101

What is the Difference between an Emotional Affair and a Physical Affair

Marital Infidelity – Hurt and Hope

My wife has had an emotional affair…