The Mormon Therapist
Labeling our children (both in positive and negative terms) can be limiting to their self-development and self-perceptions. If we as parents continually point out certain behaviors, strengths/weaknesses, etc. we can stunt other attributes from even seeming like possibilities. Here’s what Screamfree Parenting by Hal Edward Runkel has to say about this:
“Kids are fantastic listeners from the day they enter this world. They have keen ears with which to hear every syllable, every inflection, every tonality in our conversations…
“…the words you use around and about your children actually shape their sense of space.
“…labels are among the most powerful forces that shape our relationship with the world.
“I’m sure you’ve heard about two adult sisters still thinking about themselves as “the pretty one” and “the smarter one.” Take a moment to glance a just a few of the labels parents commonly use. Gifted, full of potential, funny, an underachiever, a little slow, lazy, high maintenance, laid-back, strong-willed, beautiful, melodramatic, the one we never have to worry about, a bit of a troublemaker, skinny, big-boned, a hard worker, the star, the black sheep.
Not all of these labels sound damaging but they can be. How have some of these labels shaped your opinion of yourself? Your decision making? Your career choice? Your mate selection? How does it still affect you today?
“People love to categorize, compare and contrast. It helps parents and their extended families feel as if they know their children. What kind of parents would we be if we didn’t?
“Think about some of the labels we mentioned earlier: funny and hardworking. These don’t sound like such bad qualities… They are great qualities; they are also horrible labels.
“Your child overhears you say “Megan is such a clown all the time. She’s always making us laugh and really livens things up around here.” If Megan hears this enough, what she will learn is this: “My job in this family is to make people laugh. Even if I don’t feel like it, I have to try my best to be funny.”
“What we must learn as parents is to fight for our children’s right to evolve…. to create his or her own uniqueness in the world. We give them the gift of discovery.
“Here’s a truth to live by: No one is ever always anything. No one is ever always lazy or always smart or always defiant.”
Ways Runkel mentions to change these habits of labeling:
- Change your Vocabulary: Take the harsh words “always,” “never,” “all the time,” and “constantly” our of your vocabulary. Replace them with two more realistic and forgiving ones: “can be.” Here’s an example. The next time your daughter launches into a monologue about why her life is so unfair, resist the urge to say “You are always so dramatic.” Instead, pause. Take a deep breath and state, “You can be really dramatic when you feel like it. It must be really tough to be twelve. I can barely remember being that age myself.”
- Expect Your Kids to Surprise You: Believe it or not, your kids are constantly searching for new chances to start new patterns. Despite limitations and mistakes in the past, we must fight for our children’s best character to evolve and for their right to change at a moment’s notice.
- Become an Advocate for Your Children’s Evolution: Refuse to allow extended family members to categorize or label them. Stubbornly search for their best traits and choices and single those out as the clearest indicators of their capabilities. Constantly check yourself internally and calm your deepest fears that because of this or that pattern of choices, a child is going to become violent or depressed or ugly or unemployable. You are your children’s biggest influence, and what ou think and say about them may shape them more than any other force in the universe.
- Leave Your Mom and Dad: You need to be actively growing your relationship with your parents to a more adult-to-adult dynamic so you can parent your own children without still feeling like a kid yourself.
- Know When to Say When: Our desire to understand and categorize our children’s behaviors is really a desire for something else altogether. In reality, we want to show ourselves and others to whom our kids really belong. Therein lies the problem. They don’t really belong to us. They belong to themselves. When we label, we take from them the one certainty in life: change. So, learn when to say when. Years ago, when they first came into the world, we gave our children names; let’s stop there.
Please feel free to write in with comments, questions and experiences that either agree or disagree with any of these tips.
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