The Mormon Therapist
I want to focus today on the many relationships that do not fit into the sexual desire “stereotype” that our culture pigeonholes men and women into: that being where the woman has a higher sexual drive than her husband. We do not have accurate statistics on how many couples find themselves in this situation because quite frankly, people are not comfortable admitting to this particular problem. They feel they are in the minority. Therefore they feel extremely abnormal, weird, less masculine or feminine, freakish, etc. Of course, these feelings lower self-esteem which in turn greatly affect sexual perceptions, drive and intimacy. And voila – therein begins a destructive cyclical pattern. The following information is taken from The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do when He’s Lost Desire by Michele Weiner Davis.
“A sex-starved marriage is not one that has not sex (although abstinence can and does occur); it is a marriage where one spouse desperately longs for more touch, physical connection and sex, while the other spouse, for a variety of reasons, just isn’t interested. The partner with lower desire can’t understand why his or her spouse seems so obsessed with their sexual relationship and thinks, “What’s the big deal? It’s just sex.” However, to the spouse with a higher sexual drive drive it’s a huge deal, and it’s not just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted, loved, appreciated, sexy, and attractive. It’s about feeling close and connected.
“Women don’t have a corner on the low desire market. I felt certain that we as a society have perpetuated a myth about the ever-turned-on male. I have spoken to countless sex and marital therapists across the country… they all agreed that although more men than women complain of not having enough sex, the differences between genders aren’t as great as we’ve been led to believe.
“Although men experience low sexual desire for a variety of reasons, sexual difficulties are one of the most common causes. Almost 30% of men have persistent problems with climaxing too early or have difficulty achieving erections. It’s easy to understand why a man would avoid sex if he associates it with failure.
“The “no’s” win. Regardless of gender, the person with lower desire regulates the frequency of sex and has veto power.
“74% of high desire women say that they talk to their husbands about their sexual divide, but 55% of men never want to discuss it. This must be an incredible source of frustration and resentment on the part of these women. Before you go judging men for being unresponsive, I want to point out once again that shame, frustration and a sense of failure on the part of men make talking about this sensitive subject very painful.
“47% of high-desire women ask their husbands to get help, but only 19% of their husbands are willing to do so. 27% of high-desire men ask their wives to get help, and 24% are willing.
“Nearly 37% of high-desire women have considered having or have had an affair. Compare this to 24% of high-desire men, 19% of low-desire women, and 15% of low-desire men. If low-desire men aren’t willing to talk about the problem or get help, they leave their wives feeling hopeless, undesirable, and desperate for physical and emotional closeness. Infidelity becomes a very real temptation.
“Women married to low-desire men initiate sex less frequently than high-desire men do with their wives. In our culture, men are expected to initiate sex. Whey they don’t, even if women want more sex, they are more reluctant to be the aggressor. They recoil when their initial advances are met with rejection and become gun shy. High-desire men, in contrast, would much prefer if their wives were more interested. But since men expect to be the initiators, they’re more persistent in their attempts to connect.
The first step Weiner-Davis asks women to consider is taking a step back and reframe the many distorted thought processes they have come up with to explain the differences in sexual desire.
- What was I thinking? I must be stupid. It is common to go back in time and see the “warning signs” one should have picked up on. The fact is that we all ignore “warning signs” in the courtship part of our relationship is normal – it is a time where we focus on our similarities. “Seeing things in a new light requires a new game plan. Stop looking back and berating yourself, and start looking forward to what you can do differently to create more closeness in your marriage.”
- But he was so sexy at first. Many couples start out with a great, mutually satisfying sex life and then over time find this changes. The higher desire spouse can be left feeling “tricked.” But women are not the only ones affected by hormones, stress, biological factors, etc. Make sure you don’t rule these out in how you perceive your husband.
- I must not be sexy. Many libido issues have nothing to do with physical attraction. What’s more important than whether or not your husband sees you as attractive, is whether or not you see yourself as attractive. Working on one’s own self-esteem is paramount to any sexual issues in a marriage.
- I am unlovable. When you are rejected it can feel as if the message of not being wanted goes to the core of your entire identity. Understand that this message is JUST NOT TRUE! Every person is very much lovable and usually loved by many in their lives.
- He’s doing it to get even. “Generally the person with the lower sex drive – in this case, your husband – controls the tempo and frequency of the sexual relationship. And to make the situation more challenging, your husband expects you to be okay with his decisions, not to complain, and to continue to be monogamous. But this is an unfair and unworkable arrangement, which is why you feel punished. You have no say in a matter that dearly affects your life.” Even though these feelings are normal, the underlying reason for the lower sex drive more than likely have nothing to do with trying to get even. Getting angry and resentful is not going to help get closer to solutions.
- I must be a nymphomaniac. Most higher drive wives are not sex addicts nor fit the definition of a nymphomaniac – a woman who, no matter how much sex she gets, can’t ever get enough. There is more than likely a sexual bond that is missing in your relationship.
- I feel so much shame. Shame disallows us to reach out and get help because we don’t want to admit to having the problem in the first place. Let go of feelings of shame so that you can get appropriate help.
- I feel trapped, depressed, and anxious. These feelings are normal, yet unproductive. Unfortunately, these feelings can take precedence instead of addressing the problems causing the feelings to begin with. If depression or anxiety have reached a point where they creating dysfunction in your life, see a professional and get evaluated. However, be willing to address the core issues that began the feelings in the first place.
- I feel sorry for myself and angry at him. Although you may be justified in having feelings of anger and resentment, these feelings are not going to help you feel closer as a couple. “You have to stop having pity parties and hissy fits. It’s time to take a deep breath and know that once you have a plan, you will feel more empowered and less angry.”
- My marriage is hopeless. Allow yourself to feel hopeful. Struggles within marriage can in time be a source of greater friendship and intimacy as you work as a couple to problem-solve. You may grow in ways you never anticipated.
New Love is the brightest, and long love is the greatest, but revived love is the tenderest thing known on earth. –Thomas Hardy
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