I have vaginismus and my husband doesn’t seem interested in sex…

• The only possible connection I see between his sexual desire being lower than expected and the vaginismus disorder is that he is possibly also grieving the fact that the two of you are not able to engage in what would be considered “normal” intercourse at this time. As LDS members we are often sexually naive upon entering a marriage and if all he ever envisioned was the “missionary position” then it might naturally bring up anxiety/stress for him to imagine performing in other ways – much less enjoying them. This would be similar to “the good-girl syndrome” that Brotherson describes in And They Were Not Ashamedonly in this case it would be the “good-boy syndrome.” If this is truly part of what is bothering him, it will be important for you not to take it personally. It is neither your fault nor his that you have vaginismus. And like any medical or mental health disorder, it is normal for it to affect the entire system – not just the person diagnosed. I am encouraged to hear that you are seeking treatment, that your husband accepts your sexual advances, that you enjoy other forms of physical non-sexual contact (i.e. cuddling), and that you seem to feel accepted by your spouse. These strengths will have a huge impact in the success you will have as a couple. Vaginismus is a treatable disorder and I’ve included a link at the bottom of this post that addresses this further.
• The reasons I doubt your vaginismus has much to do with your husband’s sexual desire is because, 1: he knew about this being a potential problem going into the marriage – he was not taken by surprise, and 2: you noticed “issues” with his sexual desire before you even married (you may have chalked this up to legitimate reasons, but you noticed it nonetheless).
• It is important not to overlook the fact that you are newly married and just starting the journey of figuring out your sexual relationship. We all have certain expectations of what sex should be like (many of these formulated by media and cultural pressure). It’s going to be magical! It’s going to be amazing! It’s going to be hot! Five minutes later, we’re left wondering what the heck just happened. When we make the transition from keeping our sexuality completely at bay due to moral values to all of the sudden having a complete green light, it can be overwhelming. I encourage newlyweds not to be easily discouraged – you have a lifetime together to figure this sex thing out – and it is normal for it to take time. However, I also warn that communication and respect stay at the top of the priority list. Unfortunately, the anxiety or confusion that can occur in the first year of marriage due to sexual issues can begin patterns of distrust, regret, low self-esteem, etc. that can easily affect the next 20 years.

Other valid reasons as to why men can be experiencing a lower sex drive than expected are:

• biological conditions such as cardiovascular disease, endocrine disorder, and/or chronic illness,
• medication side effects,
• low testosterone (a simple blood test can rule this out),
• sexual dysfunctions (whether real or perceived) such as erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and delayed ejaculation (these usually affect self-esteem which in turn affects sexual drive),
• history of sexual, physical or emotional abuse (it is estimated that 1 out of 6 boys are sexually abused)
• a clinical depression disorder,
• a clinical anxiety disorder,
• stress such as job loss, school pressure, job change, etc.
• body image issues and low self-esteem (i.e. not feeling manly enough),
• obesity,
• lack of sufficient sleep,
• lack of exercise,
• unhealthy diet,
• lack of attraction for spouse,
• alcoholism or abuse of drugs,
• grief,
• cultural, family and religious influences,
• midlife crisis,
• feeling criticized or other marital disharmony,
• either emotional and/or physical infidelity,
• sexual compulsions (i.e. use or addiction to pornography, masturbation, etc.), and
• sexual orientation conflict. Because of religious pressure and “wanting to do what’s right” there are many LDS men who have same-gender attraction and still choose to marry a woman. This issue is so taboo within our Mormon culture that it is unlikely for these men to share these feelings with their girlfriends, fiancees or wives. Shame and legitimate fear of the consequences for speaking of such feelings attribute greatly to the secrecy on this topic. If you do find out that this is the issue, I encourage you to go under my blog’s heading of mixed-orientation marriage for resources and information.

There are many items on this list that probably do not apply to your case, but it would more than likely benefit you to go down through it and discuss these possibilities openly as a couple. The amount of safety you are able to provide for your husband to discuss these issues with you will directly affect the amount of success you experience with resolving these problems. You are correct in observing that when you react defensively (“I must not be attractive,” “I feel rejected”) then the safety net decreases. Although it is normal to feel defensive, it does not help the cause. He does not want to hurt or offend you so it’s natural that when he sees your anxiety go up, he will avoid the subject in hopes that your anxiety decreases. Of course, this has the opposite effect. You can lessen your anxiety by letting go of fear, educating yourself, trust in the many strengths you list above that you have as husband and wife, trust in your own maturity level, try not to take whatever he is struggling with personally, and focus on your self-esteem driven by your perceptions/reactions instead of his. Understand that this process will take time and work but that you have every reason to progress and succeed in your sexual goals as a couple. It is not a bad thing to have high expectations as long as patience and respect are part of the process.