The Mormon Therapist
My serious boyfriend has confided in me that he is gay. Although I feel like it would be fine to marry him in the temple as long as he is worthy and committed to loving me, I worry about complications it may cause in our marriage. It seems like I only ever hear of the heterosexual relationships that failed. Where can I find success stories to motivate us and help us see what we need to do to make our marriage succeed? Are there statistics somewhere of how likely a marriage is to succeed in such a case (temple marriage)? And what will that likely mean for us sexually? What else should I be aware of?
First of all, I am highly impressed with the honesty that your boyfriend has exhibited with you regarding this very important part of his life and self-identity. I cannot begin to explain how difficult it is for young men (and women) to come to terms with the fact that they are dealing with same-gender attraction or homosexuality, especially within a culture such as our religion. To share these terms with significant people in their lives takes tremendous courage and character. They are putting themselves in a place of great vulnerability, knowing full well that the reactions they receive may be difficult to face. He knows he may lose you after this disclosure. Yet, he has faced those fears and chosen integrity. This honesty is a great gift this man has given you. Whether or not you decide to stay together, I hope you can appreciate the magnitude of this gift.
Our faith is largely influenced by values revolving around family creation. Expectations for a young man in particular include staying worthy (with sexuality as a focus point), going on a mission, attaining an eduction/career-path to ensure the ability to provide for a family, marry a young woman in the temple and start having children. Same-gender attraction or homosexual feelings put these developmental expectations into question and usually cause an immense inner struggle that leaves many feeling depressed, confused, angry, betrayed by God, isolated, weird, misunderstood, even suicidal. Many young men hope and pray for this particular trial to be taken away from them. They want to believe that if they follow the teachings of the church and do the things that are expected, they will be “blessed” by having this problem disappear (i.e. prayer, fasting, scripture study, church/temple attendance, going on a mission, etc.). However, this is just not the case. These spiritual tools may help a person control behaviors, but they do not change the underlying sexual make-up that is at the core of sexual arousal and desire. Because homosexual feelings don’t miraculously disappear, members feel they have failed in being good enough (i.e. if I could just be more perfect, then this would go away; it’s my fault – if I had had more faith…), they feel abandoned by God which affects their relationship with Him and the church, and they are often left living a double life of sorts that causes much emotional and spiritual pain.
Because of legitimate fears, confusion and misinformation, many of our youth, single and even married adults keep same-gender attraction as a deeply hidden secret. Unfortunately, most of the work I’ve done regarding this topic has been with married couples where the “secret” has finally come out. In my experience, this tends to happen somewhere in the stage of middle-age. The person experiencing same-sex attraction can no longer handle the secrecy and dishonesty that seems to permeate every aspect of their lives. Once they’ve given up on the “miracle” they had hoped for, they may secretly experiment with gay pornography or even with homosexual encounters outside of the marriage. The guilt and shame feel overwhelming which usually spurs even more inappropriate behavior. The wife is usually completely in the dark. Or, she has had suspicions of something being awry but has not guessed the real reasons behind the intimacy issues the couple has developed.
It is estimated that about 4-10% of our population has homosexual drives. This statistic does not change within the membership of our church. We must not underestimate this issue because we assume that it just can’t happen within strong Mormon families. There is still a lot of research to be done but, as with most issues we face in life, it looks like there are both genetic and environmental factors that come into play. My educated guess is that there are probably 2-3 men/families in each ward that are facing this issue (although the families may be unaware). I have tried many times to find accurate statistics on this subject specifically within the church membership but have been unsuccessful. This is probably mostly due to this still being a taboo subject. I am sure that there are mixed-orientation couples within the church that are successfully married, but I am not aware of any statistics or research on the subject. In My Husband is Gay: Surviving the Crisis Carol Grever states that about 85% of mixed-orientation couples eventually divorce – but this book is written from the perspective of the secret coming to the head of disclosure after marriage instead of the couple entering the marriage fully aware of the orientation issues.
People get married for all types of reasons: love, sexual attraction, friendship, companionship, finances, opportunity, social status, family pressure, religious values, wanting children, etc., etc. Whether or not the two of you decide to marry is a very personal decision for each of you. Here are some thoughts that I hope you both consider to help you through this process:
- This problem is not going to go away. You should not enter the marriage hoping to “change” him.
- Depending on your willingness as a couple and your boyfriend’s range of sexuality (homosexual – bisexual – heterosexual ) you may very well be able to have a successful sexual relationship. However, it will more than likely not come as naturally or passionately as most would expect in a marriage. Unfortunately the heterosexual spouse is many times left feeling unattractive or unwanted while the homosexual spouse is left feeling guilty for not being able to perform or feel differently. You both need to be very honest about how important you believe your sexual relationship to be – and this is hard to know at this point since you are more than likely young and sexually inexperienced. Expanding your definition of what a “successful sexual relationship” is and your willingness to be sexually creative will be important. You may consider both marital and sex therapy early on from a “prevention of problems” standpoint.
- If you decide to go forward with marriage, you both need to be aware that you are taking a risk. You may both have the best intentions going in, and yet 20 years down the road feel overwhelmed with the challenges this type of relationship will bring about. Continued honesty will be paramount to your success. The type of uninhibited honesty necessary in this type of situation will be difficult for both of you. It will not feel good to hear about your husband’s struggle of not being physically attracted to you. And it will feel awful for your husband to be honest about these types of feelings with you. It will be even more difficult for him to be honest about the temptations he will face, especially if he has participated in any type of act you would deem unfaithful.
- If you decide to go forward with marriage I would prayerfully consider waiting a few years to have children. This time would give you both an opportunity to see how doable the physical aspect of your relationship is.
- Be aware that many around you will not be understanding or agree with your decision if you marry. This is true of both the gay community and of a more traditional religious community. You would have to rely strongly on each other’s friendship in order to fight doubt, confusion, statistics, expectations, etc.
It’s funny really, because most (if not all) of the advice I just gave is equally applicable to couples where both consider themselves heterosexual. The bottom line is this: there are NO guarantees when it comes to marriage. We can make decisions that will hopefully up our chances for success, but the fact remains that many temple marriages end in divorce for a variety of reasons. Hopefully when we make the decision to marry another, that decision is based upon personal commitment, realistic expectations, love, friendship, willingness to serve and self-awareness. Marriage is a difficult journey no matter the trials that are involved. But what a journey of possibility! of adventure! of personal growth! Make no mistake – the man you enter this road with is imperfect and will fail you at times. And you will fail him. But if you can call him friend – if you can find safety in his underlying acceptance of you – if you can forgive him and be forgiven by him – if you can offer your vulnerability to him and he to you without punishment – if you can be respectful and be respected – if you stay when you want to run – if you can peek through the lens your Father in Heaven looks through regularly – well, there is no limit then to the success any of us may achieve as husband and wife. I wish you both the very best.
Great blog!!:
This is a good resource for those who have found out their spouse is gay. It is not affiliated with the church but for the most part has useful information.
If there are any of you out there who find yourselves in a mixed-orientation marriage and are having success – I would LOVE to hear from you. I know somebody recently posted about this from a positive perspective and I can’t thank them enough. There is so little information available regarding this topic. Any advice, thoughts or ideas would be greatly appreciated.
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