Should a spouse know that the other masturbates?

Comment 1

You told this poster: “As far as masturbation, I would encourage you not to do so without your wife’s knowledge. Dishonesty and/or secrecy always drive a deeper wedge, which is exactly the opposite of what you need right now.”

I don’t necessarily agree with this advice. As a man/husband who has been in this poster’s situation, and one with such a high sex drive, the occassional masturbation has been a healing part of my mental health. Without the sexual relief when you have a “non available” spouse, the emotional state becomes all consuming at times. The physical relief helps me to move forward and put my mind to rest for a while, making it easier to accept my wife’s much lower sex drive.

I don’t think that most women can even comprehend the amount of sexual tension and emotional rejection that is present when dealing with a lower desire spouse. There is a reason that almost 100% of men have masturbated – we have a much higher testosterone level!

I remember once reading a comment from a woman. This woman had been give a testosterone patch to help with her low libido. She said that she had to discontinue the testosterone because it made her became almost obsessed with sex, she couldn’t stand how strong her sex drive was and how she always felt on edge. But, she had a much better appreciation for her husband and felt bad that she had not been there for him all of those years. She said that she became much more available for him and learned that it helped kick start her own libido.

Without that regular release for most men, they can become more uptight, more on edge with their wife and kids and not as available emotionally. You may disagree, but this is my own personal experience and I have read several other testimonies of this same issue.

So, what does one do when his wife is not willing to be available for sex and would absolutely go ballistic if she knew that he occassionally masturbated to relieve the stress? She doesn’t understand the sexual needs of her husband, which includes the strong need for that sexual release, via sex or masturbation. She wouldn’t be open to him masturbating with her knowledge, so what is the point of bringing it up?

Unless both are willing to go through counseling to work through the issue the husband is left with a high libido and emotionally rejected… and to be told that masturbation without her knowledge is dishonest and being secret leaves him no where to go. Talk about feeling alone on an island.

At times I have prayed to have my sex drive go away. No luck. At times I have thought (never seriously) that maybe castration would be a good idea.

God implanted in most men a strong sex drive. According to Boyd K. Packer it was necessary, so that men would be drawn to marriage and having a family. The problem comes about when they make that commitment then find out that their wife doesn’t have that same need, or desire, for the physical and emotional sexual experience.

Comment 2

My experience is nearly identical to that of the original poster.

Part of the problem, at least from my experience, is a lack of reciprocity. It is difficult to initiate a discussion, a date, a hug, sex, etc. when the spouse has repeatedly shown no interest in these things. After years of trying with mostly unsuccessful results, it becomes very difficult to maintain hope and to keep trying.

I agree with Anon also regarding the need for a more regular release of tension. The preference is obviously that this be achieved through mutually agreeable relations between husband and wife. When this ideal isn’t possible and despite best efforts there is no hint of progress toward this ideal, I agree with Anon that the physical, mental, and emotional benefits of achieving this release by oneself are not insignificant.

I understand that there are many who resort to masturbation when they find themselves in the sad and lonely state of a sexless marriage. For many, this is a much less than ideal but workable way of staying married. I empathize and understand this position. In fact, when seeing a couple where this is happening my initial focus or priority would not be to address this as a problem. There are much more pressing issues in this type of a marriage than whether or not one of the spouses is masturbating to relieve legitimate sexual tension and frustration.

Having said this, I would address it eventually. Mainly because the dishonesty involved is not a healthy part of the marriage. Of course, I see couples who obviously are making steps to progress – such as coming to see me. If a couple decides that one is not willing to engage in a sexual relationship and therefore, gives “permission” or at least understands that masturbation will be part of the other’s lifestyle in order to maintain the marriage – I see this as much healthier stance than the issue never being broached leaving the couple in a stance of denial, resentment and anger.

Therefore, my challenge to the people who have written in about this subject is to risk the honesty. Yes, it is a risk. Yes, it may cause friction and conflict within the relationship at first. However, I do not see this as any riskier than the complacence and separateness evident in many of these relationships to begin with. If your only goal is to stay married “for the kid’s sake,” or due to religious guilt then this may be a viable option. I’m just not convinced these should be the only goals. The sadness, dysfunction and ultimate legacy for the children involved is a high price to pay for not being willing to take the risk into a more honest, if not scarier, place within the relationship.

I believe that I have made my position on the following clear – not being willing to enter into sexual relations with a spouse without legitimate reason and/or without the willingness to work through any legitimate or legitimately perceived reasons through physician or therapist consult is incorrect behavior. Masturbation may be deemed incorrect behavior by our church’s standards – but so is sexual withdrawal. And neither are usually at the root cause of the marital/personal issues that have led to the status quo. Those reasons are the keys to getting the relationship back on track – brutal honesty is a good place to start for any situation. This is why my position remains that spouses should know whether or not their spouse masturbates without them. What should I do, you ask? Take the risk. Let’s see what happens AFTER your wife goes “ballistic.” This is usually when couples begin growth usually unforeseen as possible.