What is therapy supposed to be about?

I have a question for you regarding therapy. My husband left about 18 months ago and we were legally separated about 6 months ago; I anticipate we will file for divorce this year. I have been experiencing some situational depression, and have sought therapy. I had individual counseling both before he left and after and we also had joint couples therapy. I have not, however found any of the therapy very helpful. Basically, the therapists (three separate ones) seem to ask questions, listen to my answers and, essentially take my side. They sympathize and tell me about all the things I did (and am doing) right and all the things my husband did (and is doing) wrong. I don’t find this enormously helpful. As a single mom, I have neither the time nor the money to employ a friend or cheerleader. Have I just had bad therapists, or is this what therapy is supposed to be about?

Many therapy styles are centered on the philosophy that the client should direct the conversation – whatever the client brings up is what is most relevant and will lead the discussion where it needs to go. For some, this is can be a useful approach. However, what you seem to be looking for is a therapist who is trained in goal-centered, solution-focused, and short-term therapy. These are all “key terms” that you can ask a therapist about. As a client you are the consumer and you have the right to get the type of “product” you are seeking. Unfortunately, because of different styles and personalities, it can be difficult to find the right fit with a therapist the very first time. It is not uncommon to see 2-3 therapists before you find one you are comfortable with.

I recommend finding someone who is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. AAMFTs website has geographical listings of licensed therapists in your area. Most MFTs are trained in solution-focused work and are more systemic in their approach (looking at the whole picture rather than just the individual in the office). Our title is somewhat deceptive because MFTs are just as able to do individual therapy as any other mental health professional.

You are absolutely correct that “siding” with one spouse is not going to be useful to you or your husband. In couple’s counseling it is helpful to address what is “correct” or “incorrect” behavior within a marriage, but from there you should be moving on to “what do we do about this?,” “what can we expect on the way to a better relationship?,” “are we both committed to this relationship and at what level?,” “if we’re not going to stay together, what will our co-parenting relationship look like?,” “what attracted me to a person who would act “badly” and him to a person who wouldn’t?,” “what patterns are we repeating intergenerationally?” Working on these types of issues are helpful whether or not a couple stays together. If they have children, they will continue to have a relationship for many years even after divorce. Also, if a person decides to remarry without doing this type of work, it is a statistical fact that they tend to attract people with similar issues.

Research shows that regardless of the type of therapy a therapist adheres to, the #1 factor that is most helpful for people to make progress within the therapy process is the aura of safety, feeling understood, validated and listened to by their therapist. That is why therapists spend time – especially at the beginning – forging an emotional bond (i.e. called “joining”) with their clients. Once that bond is in place – then it is easier to challenge a client and focus on new skills. However, as therapists, it is our responsibility to not stay stuck in the “trying to bond” stage and hesitate to move forward to the equally productive stages of taking action.

I hope you don’t give up on getting the help you need. I encourage you to be proactive, open and honest with your therapist. If you don’t feel like you’re getting what you need, you should be able to express that. I continually ask for feedback from clients as to whether or not they feel we are headed in the right direction. I appreciate it when clients can tell me their concerns. I realize that takes courage. It saves a lot of time, energy and money when all involved within the therapy process can be frank about the process itself.

A therapist is never to be a “friend.” That’s not our role. You don’t pay a friend. A therapist is not an advice giver. There is a difference between “here are some options” or “have you thought about this?” vs. “this is what you should do.” A therapist is sometimes a cheerleader – we want to recognize, point out and support change/positive behavior. A therapist is sometimes a coach – offering guidance, education, resources, etc. A therapist is a listener. A therapist is one who validates and challenges simultaneously. It is not easy for anyone to accept a challenge if one does not feel validated. At the same time, it is not useful to only be validated. This is probably the hardest balancing act that as therapists we face.

I wish you the very best in finding what you need at this difficult time of your life.