Do I need to just close my eyes?

I just sent this comment with a donation, but figured I’d post it here as well. My husband is on a business trip, and today I was bored so while I was online surfing the net I checked his e-mail. I discovered that last night he had contacted someone he found in an online classified and tried to set up a ‘get together’ – you know what I mean. Through the emails, I don’t think anything actually happened, but the fact that he contacted someone and that he was SERIOUSLY thinking about committing adultery is extremely upsetting to me. In the e-mails he admitted that this would be a first, so I don’t think that he has cheated on me in the past – but I wonder how often he’s thought about it, and how much he’s wanted to. What do I do?! Do I tell him what I found and completely lose his trust? If he knows I checked his e-mail he could just create a new one and not tell me about it. Do I not say anything and pretend like everything is hunky dory when I know it’s not? When he’s with me he acts like everything is fine, I never know what’s really going on in his head. I need help, and I don’t know where to go from here. I feel like if I bring it up I will be opening up a can of worms and it will make things worse. But if I don’t bring it up I’ll probably never be able to trust him again. I feel like on the surface we have a very good relationship, but down deep – where it really matters – things are seriously screwed up. I feel like I’ve been a good wife, very understanding with his disaffection.(He no longer believes in the church, and I’ve been supportive of his decision.) I don’t deserve this. I guess I know I need to bring it up, but I don’t know how. Another big concern is that we have a little girl, and my husband is a very good father. I wouldn’t want to do anything to upset her relationship with daddy, but does that mean I just need to close my eyes to my husband’s true feelings? Help!

I’m sorry you are finding yourself in this difficult situation. Some thoughts:

• Yes, absolutely you need to confront your husband on the information you found.

• I’m not exactly sure what you are feeling guilty about. I also find it interesting under the circumstances that you are worried about him losing trust in you (makes me think codependency?). I cannot think of any good reasons as to why one shouldn’t be able to have access to their spouse’s email account (except for maybe in work situations due to confidentiality issues). But otherwise, email (as snail mail) shouldn’t hold any huge secrets. In fact most reasons why a spouse would want such accounts to be secret is either because they are looking at something on the internet they don’t want their spouse to know about or they are communicating with someone they don’t want their spouse to know about (I welcome any legitimate challenges on this). Neither of these situations helps any marriage move forward in the “strong intimacy” direction.

• It sounds like there are some underlying issues in general that the two of you as a couple are not addressing. Sometimes it can seem the easier route to keep things seemingly happy and content- polite. But I can testify that underlying issues brew and stew like ulcers – ultimately causing problems of higher severity than if they had been dealt with to begin with. Are there fears associated with being upfront and addressing problems head on? Absolutely. But it’s worth the risk every time. If your husband chooses to use this opportunity to up his lying tactics (i.e. by getting a new secret email account) instead of facing an honest intimacy with you, then it’s his loss.
  

• How do you go about doing this? As calmly and even-headed as possible. I understand that under the circumstances your feelings and emotions may seem to be getting the best of you. However, the calmer you can stay, the more power you will have over the situation.
  

• When confronting a spouse regarding unfaithful behavior, you won’t have control over the reaction you are going to receive on the other end. Because confrontations are usually a surprise, people do not often respond at the height of their maturity levels in the attempt of protecting self. Your husband may try to deny or minimize the situation (i.e. “it’s no big deal,” “it doesn’t mean anything”). He may try to deflect and blame you (i.e. “what were you doing looking at my email anyway?”, “you wouldn’t understand…” “you’re so emotional!”). He may get angry (i.e. “you have no right to accuse me….,” “you have no right to look at my account,” “how dare you?”). Expecting some of these reactions will prepare you to not fall into the trap of defending yourself. You can listen- but at the end it comes down to the fact that he is being unfaithful (even if only emotionally it’s still infidelity). If he IS able to deal maturely at the moment you might receive some type of apology and he would take responsibility for his behavior. This would be the best case scenario because then you can move on to what you plan to do as a couple from this point on. If he reacts from the self-protection stance it will be important for you to calmly, but firmly, stand your ground.

• By “standing your ground,” I mean for you to have some set points which you mean to present and follow through on. You can start with a statement that describes where you currently stand in regards to the relationship (i.e. I’m still 100% committed to this marriage and fully expect that we will address these issues, I’m not sure if I want this marriage to continue but would like to see a counselor that can help us sort these decisions out, etc.) Be honest about where you’re at. Set points can include communicating such things as 1. this is not acceptable behavior within our marriage, 2. I would like to know if you have been physically unfaithful to me at any point of our marriage, 3. trust has been breached and it will take time to regain it, 3. wanting to understand where you stand in the marriage (are both of your feet in, feet out or is one of you standing with one foot in and one foot out), 4. I want our marriage to be a place of honesty even if that means feelings will get hurt, 5. the possibility of attending couple’s counseling (we don’t have to do this by ourselves), and 6. while we are working on these issues I want to have access to telephone/email contacts, etc. This list is not meant to be all-inclusive – just some ideas to start with.

• If feelings get too heated and an argument ensues, you can take a “time out.” You do this by stating something like, “We are obviously getting ahead of ourselves, angry and defensive. Why don’t we just take some time to calm down and think things over. Let’s talk about this again tomorrow night.”

Hopefully the fact that the two of you have a daughter will serve as extra motivation to try and work things out. I have found that difficult times like these can actually serve as a catalyst to a much more open, honest and mutually satisfying relationship in the end. This takes effort, energy and honesty – but it is possible. However, whether or not it works out between you as husband and wife – you can both work on a co-parenting relationship that will be in the best interest of your child.

I wish you the best. I know my advice might up your anxiety. I’m encouraging you to face this head on. Prayer is a great resource to use in trying to reach a sense of calm. May you find the time and space to reach out to your Father in Heaven and center yourself. You are not alone in this. And letting the worms out might help aerate the dirt.