Grief Panel

I had a wonderful experience this past weekend participating on two panels at the Casual Bloggers Conference in Salt Lake City. One was on dealing with grief and the other on dealing with depression. I would like to share my notes that I compiled as I prepared for these presentations. The following are my notes on grief:

-There is no such thing as being an “expert” on grief. Grief is a highly individualized process.
-Grief is not a disorder. It can mimic symptoms of depression, anxiety even PTSD – but in of itself it is not a disorder. Over time, especially if one is vulnerable to mental health issues to begin with (i.e. genetics) the process of grieving can lead to a state where one would become diagnosable. Even though one may not have a mental health disorder, some of the same treatments that can be useful for depression or anxiety, for example, can also be useful in times of grieving (i.e. counseling, medication, etc.).
-Everyone will experience grief at some point of their life development path. Grief is a normal response when a loved one dies or when something along the path of life does not take the expected path (i.e. infertility, divorce, disability, etc.). Grief will be more difficult if the reason grief is experienced did not follow the normal course of life (i.e. losing a parent when one is a child or teen is usually more traumatic than losing a parent who is advanced in age when you are middle aged). Both situations are difficult, but one was expected at some level while the other wasn’t.
-There is no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve. No “normal.” Much of what is considered “normal” has to do with the culture and society in which you find yourself in.
-Anglo-saxon, American culture in not one that is particularly comfortable with grief. Common themes are staying “stoic,” “getting over it,” and “moving on.” These are not always healthy approaches.
-Grief is a process of having to sit with pain. As humans we naturally try to avoid pain.
-Grief is messy. Messiness in this setting does not equate to being unhealthy.
-Research on this topic shows that there are “stages” that are a common experience for many who grieve. However, the purpose of sharing these stages is not to create expectations or a “to do list.” Hopefully knowing about these stages can be useful in knowing what to expect.
-The stages are: shock/denial, anger/resentment, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. One I would add but that is not official is guilt.
-Stages are not usually experienced in order, one can go through them repetitively and you can be in more than one of them at the same time. Anniversaries, seasons, memories, etc. can bring back feelings of any one of the stages mentioned.
-Things that can be helpful: building your own rituals, letting go of expectations, being patient with self and others’ forms of grief, finding functional ways of keeping loved ones in your life (in the case of death).
-Resource for parents who have lost a child: compassionatefriends.org
-Things helpful for others:
For a great list of what to say or not to say visit Prairie Mama on grieving advice.
Recognize everyone will have a unique grieving style.
Recognize your own discomfort.
Listen.
Do not avoid the subject of the person or situation in attempts to not offend.
Recognize your fears.
It’s OK to be honest (i.e. “I don’t know what to say”)
Don’t preach unless asked specifically what your beliefs are. Although spiritual truths can be incredibly healing on an individual basis – they can also sound hollow coming in the form of attempted comfort. As if these truths should take away the pain – they don’t.
Don’t compare (i.e. “I know how you feel.”). Even those who go through similar situations can have very different experiences and feelings.

A Broken Heart Still Beats: After Your Child Dies by Anne McCracken and Mary Semel is a compilation of writings of grievers such as Shakespeare and Irving.

I want to thank the women who were willing to share some very personal and painful processes in the hopes of helping others. Fabulous, strong and vibrant women. I was quite in awe.

I welcome any discussion or comments on the experience of grief and what, if anything, has been helpful to those who have experienced it. Thank you.