Our son sexually abused our daughters…

I just wanted to share this with the world because I am in a very misunderstood place:

About 1 1/2 years ago, my husband and I found out that our teenage son had been molesting his 3 sisters. We were sickened and heart broke! We immediately had him write down what he had done. That very night we got a babysitter and took him down to the police station. He wrote a statement to the police and he was booked into juvy.

This began a gruesome investigation including recorded medical exams for the tiny girls, and recorded statements from the girls. We immediately got help from “group therapy” at a Children’s Justice Center, while the girls waited on long waiting lists to get into play therapy. Eventually the girls were able to get into a very experienced therapist and are still going to therapy today. We will pay for this as long as it is needed, despite the financial hardship! Our whole family has been going to family therapy, with the exception of our teenage perpetrator, who is in state custody. (Eventually when the girls are ready there will be a reunification time with this older son, in family therapy).

We were very fortunate that our son came clean with a pornography addiction that began at age 11 YEARS OLD!! He was very close to permissive grandparents who he liked to spend time with. Apparently, many nights that he spent at their house were nights spent on the internet watching and researching his addiction. Sadly, he decided to act out some of the things he saw onto his sisters. He committed A LOT of felonies. We were in a unique situation when we went to court. On the one hand, we could ask to plea bargain or allow our son the full sentencing. Because of our state laws and his age, he was only a few short weeks from this being on his permanent record. (Juvenile records are sealed except to certain careers such as teaching). We prayed what to do and God gave us direction. It ended up that we “happen” to live in a state with a system called: NOJOS and a system that rehabilitates juvenile’s with sexual issues, having a 98.6% recovery rate without repeat offenders.

Our son is now towards the end of his recovery (although he will live with this his whole life). It has been a VERY LONG road to recovery. He is most likely to stay in foster care (there are no kids in the home he is in) until he is 18. He continues to go to counseling. The process to this type of repentance has been heart wrenching to say the least. We have heard everything in detail.

As to why I am wanting to post this to our LDS culture:

My LDS parents and my husband’s LDS parents and LDS grandparents have practically disowned us for holding our son accountable. We really had no choice. Our poor daughters needed a voice and we gave them that voice! We have tried to keep this quiet to protect our daughters as well as by giving our son the chance to have a life if he chooses to change (so far he has changed drastically). But for the handful of once supportive friends, alas we have lost those friendships or they do not allow their children to play with our children…again victimizing the innocent. I feel that we are misunderstood by everyone. My children are very healthy emotionally. I feel like other people live out of fear and think that if their children play with my children…that somehow their child would get abused.

We know we did the right thing by going to law enforcement and by getting therapy for the whole family. In fact, our family is closer and communicates so much better. Our children work together and we talk about EVERYTHING. The fruits are good fruits to the choices that we made. It was NOT the easy road. I am just struggling to find this “new normal” and I am grieving the loss of friendships of family members who treat us like we should have brushed this elephant under the rug.

What an impossible situation for you and your husband to find yourselves in!!! This is a heart-wrenching story and I can’t begin to imagine how excruciatingly painful it must have been for you in behalf of all your children.

The following article, Effective Treatment for Children who Sexually Abuse Others, discusses the appropriate action that should be taken in a case such as this one:

• If there is a conflict between the welfare needs of the offender and the victim, the victim’s needs must come first.
• Many abusers are in need of care and protection themselves; however, they must be held accountable for their own actions.
• Child protection procedures must be followed for both perpetrator and victim.
• Interagency, multi-professional approaches to treatment strategies are essential.
• Treatment for the offender must be offered as soon as possible.
• Where possible, family should be involved in the management of the case.
• Parents play a vital role in reducing risk and developing resistance.

Congratulations on having the courage to allow your son to face the correct and natural consequences that his behavior earned, and allowing the “voice” of your daughters to be validated and heard. It is because of this courage that I believe you are having the successes you mention and the overall healing potential as a family.

It is estimated that about 15% of people report some type of sexual activity with a sibling during childhood. Sibling sexual abuse generally remains a taboo subject – not commonly addressed in the media or in our culture at large.

I strongly encourage all parents to read the following:
Sibling Sexual Abuse – A Parent’s Guide

I also strongly encourage that as part of the sexual education of our children, we include the following information:

• Touching the genitals/private body parts of our siblings is not appropriate (unless one of your children is old enough to change a diaper or help with bathing a young infant or toddler).
• Play that involves pretending to be married, “in love,” or boyfriend/girlfriend with your siblings is not appropriate.
• Practicing kissing with your sibling is not appropriate.
• Playing “show and tell” with your privates is not appropriate.
• Talking to parents about anything that has happened in the past or is currently happening is safe and completely appropriate.
• Two important jobs parents have are to teach and protect.

You can also include that this is also inappropriate behavior with same-age friends or the older siblings of their friends. This information is as important to educate your children on as is education regarding “stranger danger.” The fact remains that most sexual abuse takes place within the context of someone the child knows – not a stranger. The key to providing this education effectively, is to manage any anxiety or fear we may be feeling ourselves and to communicate in a calm and loving way.

I am sorry to hear that you have received such a negative backlash from family and friends. Unfortunately, the general responses to anything taboo include anxiety, fear, angst and misgivings that affect your family in social, cultural, and religious settings. I hope the many positive “fruits” you mention your family being able to partake in as a result of the correct steps you and your husband bravely took, will be a consolation to you in light of some of the failings of those who should have been a support in your time of need. Grief will definitely be a normal part of this process for you. Maybe the following excerpt from an article called Sibling Sexual Abuse could help you offer education to others:

“In families where abuse occurs, the dysfunction that led to the abuse may also lead to a poor response once the abuse is discovered. Wiehe (1990) noted that poorly responding families typically:

• denied the allegations of abuse
• ignored or minimized the abuse, explaining it as normal child behavior
• acknowledged the abuse, but blamed or otherwise punished the abused child
• acknowledged the abuse, but failed to protect the child and halt it
• acknowledged the abuse, but their own dysfunction prevented them from responding to alter the environment

“Poorly responding families may be perpetuating the abuse in two ways. First, they fail to halt the abuse in the home. Second, by failing in this, they create a sense that the child can not be protected, and that the perpetrator was “chosen” over the victim. Such actions and the feelings of helplessness and rejection that result may prompt the abused child to become an abuser as well, seeking power and revenge (Johnson, 1989).”

Thank you for sharing such a personal and sensitive topic with my readers. It is something we need to be discussing more openly. I wish you and your family only the best as you venture on from here.