I recently came upon your blog, “The Mormon Therapist”. I have dealt with guilt over a specific issue for years and would like to see if you could offer me any help with it.

When I was a child, between about 8 and 10 years old, I can remember a couple of instances where my cousin (also female) and I engaged in touching each others genitals in order to bring about arousal. My cousin is about 2 years younger than me and so that has added to my guilt because I worry about how she remembers these events, worrying that she feels I took advantage of her and abused her. I only remember a couple of flashes of what happened and I remember that I never physically forced her to do anything. Adding to my worry and guilt is the knowledge that her younger brother was abused by an older cousin. I don’t know all of the specifics of that, but I worry that she views what happened between us as abusive.

I am now 26, and my cousin is 24. We do not have a close relationship. She is not active in the church and is generally an unhappy person to be around. I feel so guilty over what happened when we were children. I have spoken to my bishop about this. He asked me if I had homosexual tendencies. I do not and I told him so. I told him even then I didn’t feel those tendencies. The bishop didn’t go into it much further and just kind of left the topic there. My current struggles now have to do with worrying if what happened has really negatively impacted my cousin. I sometimes wonder if I should talk to her about things and apologize. I never do though because I am concerned that it would not do any good and only dredge up events that are long past and cause more awkwardness and pain than do any good. Honestly, I wish I could just move on from this and let it go. I don’t want to talk about this with my cousin. It is something that is extremely embarrassing to me, but I am so tired from living with this guilt. I tend to feel guilty about a lot of things and this is the main thing right now. I find that the thoughts of guilt stay with me through the day and leave me feeling like I have butterflies in my stomach all the time. It is uncomfortable and distracting and I don’t know what to do. I have recently gone on anti-anxiety medication since I have dealt with excessive guilt and such for so many years, but so far I am not feeling any different. I worry that even if I did decide to go and talk with her that I would still not feel better and if I did, something else would take its place to feel guilty about.

Also, because this happened with my cousin and I, I often worry about how to keep my kids from running into the same types of situations when they are older. Do you have any advice?

Thank you for taking the time to look at my question.

There are three main reasons I want to point out when I tell you that this does not entail “sexual abuse” but rather inappropriate sexual behavior between children.
1. The age difference between you was not sufficiently significant.
2. The age at which this happened is not uncommon for sexual “curiosity” or even sexual play.
3. It seems as though this was mutual play and not “forced.”

The following excerpt is taken from Children’s Sexual Behavior:

“Childhood is a time of learning and exploration. Children explore their bodies during childhood including the sexual parts. They learn by looking at each other, by touching and by playing games about sex such as ‘doctors and nurses’.

• Children’s interest in sex and sex play does not take over their whole playtime but is just part of the many things they want to explore and learn about.
• Sex play for children does not mean the same as it does for adults. For children it is about being curious about their bodies and about sex differences.
• While children are interested in looking at each other’s bodies, most sex play is between children who are friends.

There is no need for parents to worry about sex play if the children are about the same age and size, and as long as they are not being made to do something they don’t want to do – and if they are not doing things that children of that age don’t usually know about.“

Sexual play often occurs among same-age friends, siblings, cousins, etc. and often they are of the same gender. This is not about homosexual tendencies – this is about curiosity.

As I mention in my current post Our Son Sexually Abused Our Daughters, it is important as part of the sexual education of our children to lovingly teach them that touching the genitals of others or having someone touch your genitals is not appropriate, even among friends, cousins, siblings, etc.

As far as your ongoing issues of guilt surrounding this happening, I would encourage you to at least entertain the idea of talking to your cousin. It’s amazing the burden that can come off of our shoulders when we confront something head on. I understand that this may feel embarrassing and that the idea may bring up legitimate feelings of fear/apprehension. However, it sounds like not going to her about this has not been a beneficial option for your life either. You could do it in person, by phone or even in a letter. I would keep it short and simple.
Example:

“I’ve recently been thinking of the time we spent together when we were children. I have a lot of great memories of our friendship. At the same time, I also have a few memories that concern me. I recall us engaging in what would be considered “sexual play.” I understand that at the ages we were then, our sexual curiosity was normal and that some level of “sexual play” can even be considered part of normal development. However, I also recognize that I was a few years older than you and maybe that played a part in your participating in this type of play with me. I want you to know that I feel badly about this and I hope that it has not caused any type of long-term effects for you. This may be a mute point, but I at least wanted to reach out and let you know that I’d be willing to talk about this further if you would like to.”

It’s interesting how part of the official “repentance process” is to offer an apology to the one who was wronged. It is also interesting how this part of the process usually offers great relief and healing to the one offended but to the offender as well. I’m not implying that your cousin was necessarily “wronged,” but your feelings of wanting to resolve this between the both of you speak of a similar process to that of classic repentance. Regardless of how your cousin responds to your reaching out to her, this approach would more than likely offer you peace and comfort in the long run that you did your part. Open, loving and respectful communication is usually beneficial and can do a lot to heal relationships and even aspects of our individual selves.

It would be interesting to see if your feelings of guilt dissipate after talking to your cousin. If not, then you might be facing issues regarding inappropriate guilt or shame on a more general level. Some of this may have to do with an anxiety disorder, low self-esteem, poor coping skills, depression, scrupulosity, OCD, etc. Regardless of whether or not you decide to talk to your cousin, individual therapy would more than likely be beneficial to help you explore what these feelings are about for you and how you can be more accepting and loving towards yourself. Although anti-anxiety medication can be an incredibly useful tool, it is usually more likely to help if you are addressing issues within a therapy context as well (cognitive-behavioral therapy helps one learn how to live with and manage thoughts related to anxiety). This combined treatment approach helps you deal with your problems from a biological, emotional, intellectual and spiritual perspective.

As far as a “technique” you might try around managing anxiety (or any unwanted thought/feeling):

• Think of thoughts and feelings as you would waves in the ocean. They build, they peak and then they ebb. It is usually during the building and peaking that we become most anxious and will do just about anything to bring about the ebbing. Instead of trying to bring about the ebbing – accept that you know the natural flow of the universe will inherently bring about the ebbing process on its own. In the meantime, take note of the feelings, acknowledge they are there (i.e. “Hello guilt. Yes, I see you, I hear you”), pay attention to how your body responds (i.e. butterflies in your stomach), take a deep breath, take another deep breath, and wait patiently for the ebb. Once the release begins, smile and say “goodbye for now.”

When we try to desperately get rid of the feeling, we often inadvertently give it more strength. Instead, give it its space.

Scrupulosity: Religious Obsessions and Compulsions