The Mormon Therapist
It has come to my attention that my younger brother is struggling with what seems to be a strong addiction to masturbation. My other siblings have caught him several times masturbating in common areas of the home when he thinks no one will be home for a while. Most of his trysts are accompanied by a laptop, which I can only assume means he’s watching pornography as well. He is supposed to be preparing to turn his mission papers in less than a year, and truly wants to serve a faithful mission, but he can’t jump the masturbation hurdle.Unfortunately either my parents don’t know, or they’re pretending not to know. He’s been through this problem (addiction to both pornography and masturbation) before-he’s asked my parents for help, worked with the bishop and been forgiven. This is a relapse. I’m trying to decipher the best way to stage somewhat of an intervention where we as a family work to help him get “clean”.
Sadly, I have parents who are more interested in punishing bad behavior rather than working toward celestial goals. I don’t see my parents being much help in this situation, and frankly I don’t blame my brother for not involving them.
Can you provide any advice or material that will help him kick the habit and gain control over his body?
First of all, I want to apologize for the fact that the comments/advice to your post have left you feeling like you wish you hadn’t posted a question to begin with. This is exactly the opposite of what I want this blog to be about. If anything, I want this site to mirror what one would hopefully feel in a therapist’s office: safety, non-judgment, comfort, and appropriate boundaries. In fact, because of this I have decided to go back to moderating comments before I allow them to be posted. This is not a place to bicker back and forth, to be defensive, to place judgment with those we disagree with nor act unChristlike in any way shape or form. I know that many of the topics discussed on this blog are sensitive in nature and people have strong opinions on all sides of all types of equations. However, there are many other sites available where heated discussions can take place. This is not one of them. The whole point of this blog is to allow people to ask questions that can be extremely difficult to ask, even anonymously, and get professional, research-based answers. I don’t mind people giving their advice or sharing their own experience as long as it is done in a thoughtful and caring manner meant to reach out and be helpful. I will delete the comments that I feel could have been taken offensively by the poster of this question. I will also say, that it saddens me to delete comments because if the approach would have been friendlier – the comments I am deleting include useful and relevant information that could have been helpful.
Now, to the question itself:
I have written much on the subject of masturbation, pornography and addiction and I encourage you to read through some of my older posts on these subjects. Here are some thoughts and suggestions:
- It is commendable that you are concerned for your brother and that you want to reach out and be of help to him. This is perfectly appropriate behavior within siblings and you have every right to share your concerns as his sister or brother. How you go about sharing these concerns can make all the difference. In this particular situation, I wouldn’t necessarily recommend staging an “intervention” due to its public and often shaming potential.
- Foremost, the approach should be that of offering love and acceptance. Issues surrounding sexuality are intrinsically personal and private – therefore, it is easy for embarrassment and unnecessary shame to ensue.
- You can start off by sharing that this behavior has come to your attention. He has a right to know that his behavior has become public within the realm of your family boundaries.
- Next move right into the the process of “normalizing.” In other words, help him understand that many young men and women masturbate and even look at pornography. He is by no means alone in these activities. Help him understand that coming of age is a hormonally-driven time with sexual urges that are normal. I don’t know how much your parents offered in the realm of sexual education, but an older sibling can also fill this role appropriately and lovingly.
- After the normalizing, share your concerns that his behavior does not fall in line with the general guidelines of the church. Talk about his desires to go on a mission and whether or not he is experiencing a dissonance between his beliefs and his behaviors. Discuss your fears that he may be asked certain questions by the church leadership in his preparation to go. Ask his feelings about this.
- Make sure you make a clear distinction between the “transgression” of masturbation versus the “sin” of pornography. These are not equal in severity and should not be treated as such.
- Instead of telling him he needs to stop – ask him what his feelings are. Does he want to stop? Is this something he wants your help on? Does he disagree or agree with church council? Why or why not? Is there any support you can offer? Recognize, even to him, that this is part of his personal life and that if he does not want you to be involved then you need to and will respect that.
- Discuss your ideas about healthy sexuality. What does this look like? Why are the church guidelines in place? What do you want for his sexual future? What does he want? What is the “law of chastity” and does it resonate for him? How can it serve him?
- Be aware that “addiction” is a strong word and is often misused within our church culture. Don’t assume that this is an addiction without having much more information about the history and frequency of his pornography use. Masturbation is considered a normal part of sexual development and medical professionals will not qualify it as an “addiction” or “compulsion” unless it is occurring often enough that it is causing physical harm or taking up insubordinate amounts of time away from other social/daytime activities. We choose as a church and its members to uphold a high standard of sexual behavior, but that does not turn masturbatory practice into “addiction.”
- It is pivotal to understand that when addictions do form, their main feeding grounds are fear, shame and secrecy. This is why the approach we use with our adolescents and young adults regarding their sexuality is paramount in not portraying shaming or sternly disapproving attitudes that instead of offering the help we so desperately want to give, actually exacerbate the problem.
- Help him be aware that “relapse” is often a normal part of recovery. Most of us who struggle with compulsive or addictive behavior – if that is what this truly is – don’t quit cold turkey. It is an ongoing process – one we learn and grow from.
- If he’s gone to the bishop before, you might ask if he thinks going again would be helpful? What was his first experience with the bishop like? Again, foster conversation and allow the space for his feelings and thoughts.
- Include in this process a conversation about the atonement. What does this mean to you and to him?
- Express your love, admiration and respect for your brother and help him understand what I’m sure are his many strengths.
- If pornography is truly a problem, I recommend “The Porn Trap” by Wendy Maltz. It gives clear, scientifically-based reasons as to why pornography is not a healthy lifestyle choice regardless of whether or not the criteria for addiction are met. Also, those who attend some type of group therapy in conjunction with individual therapy tend to have more success at beating addiction than those who don’t.
It is obvious that you love your brother and are concerned for his happiness and well being. I wish you the best as you attempt to discuss things of a sensitive nature with him that will hopefully allow him a safe venue to learn and to share some of his own feelings and thoughts about this subject.
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