What do you do when your spouse no longer wants you to wear garments?

My sister’s husband was excommunicated and dislikes her wearing her garments as he considers them unsexy and silly. Perhaps other couples in similar situations (or even where both are believers) struggle with this.

• There is a dynamic that seems to occur within a couple where one has left the church or is in the process that is fascinating to me. It is as if that person has completely forgotten what it means to be a devout and practicing Latter-day Saint. I know that people change throughout the course of marriage: our ideas, thoughts, plans, goals, even testimonies can take different directions than we originally planned as a couple. However, if a person finds themselves taking a different path than the spouse, and if that path is different from what they originally agreed upon, then that person needs to take particular care to respect the spouse who is more than likely feeling blindsided and possibly even betrayed. One who has lost their testimony cannot expect their spouse to follow suit as well as vice versa (remember the role of free agency). This husband should know through their shared history, what the garment means to his wife. It is an important symbol to her and he should be willing to respect that. The marriage and family structure trumps differing testimonies. It will be paramount for both to approach their relationship in this situation with care, tenderness and willingness to find common ground. The message your sister needs to assert is “I love you. I am very saddened by the choices that have led to your excommunication. However, I plan to stand by you and have the best marriage we can have. In order to do this, I need your respect. You know that the garments are sacred to me. I plan to continue to use them and I would appreciate that you no longer make negative comments about them. I know you can do this for me and it will make communicating with you much easier. I will be happy to explore different things I could wear when we plan to be intimate that we can both enjoy.” In this statement she is able to stand by her convictions and compromise at the same time.
  
• I don’t know how to be more clear with men in particular: The best way to completely kill your sex life is to tell your wife anything about being unsexy, unattractive, overweight, etc. I think men sometimes think that these comments will serve as motivators for their wives to get their “act together” and change. Have fun with that!! I can promise you that it will be the most ineffective and awful strategy you will ever engage in with long lasting effects. For every year that your wife perceives you deem her unattractive, plan on it taking her two years to recover. If you want a sexy and attractive wife, I hope you are doing your very best to make sure she feels sexy and attractive.
• There should be room for compromise in the area of attire during love making and sexual play. Some members find garments attractive and some don’t. Just like it is appropriate to take off the garments and put on a “uniform” or “costume” for certain activities (i.e. swimming, ballroom dance, sports, etc.) it is just as appropriate to first of all, take off garments during sex and secondly, don sexy attire for the act of lovemaking. Wearing sexy underwear or lingerie for this experience can be a fun and arousing way for a couple to enjoy each other.
• When a partner is married to a non-member to begin with, it is important to take their feelings into account when it comes to taking out your endowment without them. I believe the official counsel in these situations is to make sure your spouse is in agreement of your wearing the temple garment before you decide to do so. Again, whenever the spouse is taking a different road than the original plan, they need to do so with respect to the other.