Ali Family Autism Truths #7 – The Places We Go

April 7, 2015 – Autism Awareness Month, Ali Family Autism Truths #7

We’re in that stage now where D doesn’t want to go much of anywhere. If he can stay home, then that’s just fine by him. There was a long period of time, until maybe about four of five years ago, that we went nearly everywhere as a family. If for whatever reason where we were going just wasn’t going to work for D, his Baba or I would stay back with him. Hiring babysitters and caregivers just to hang out with him so the rest of us could do stuff — well that wasn’t how things were done in our families.

I can count on my fingers how many times my parents hired a babysitter to look after my brothers and I growing up (once, I believe). As for my in-laws? I don’t think they ever did. I can’t speak for all Indian families, but ours was one where you sought help from family, or the kids went with you. Everywhere. Every time.

But we came to that turning point four or five years ago when we realized that taking D everywhere was just not going to work for him. I was the reluctant hold-out when my husband suggested that we needed start hiring care givers to help us out with D. I expressed my worry that the more we left him at home when things became a challenge, the more we would stop trying to help him live all that was our lives. But when does a learning situation become an exercise in futility? I was determined for so long that D should be accustomed to the craziness of our family living, the kind of social events we went to, our weddings, our outings, our, well, stuff. I felt he needed to be pushed to grow acclimated to social situations. Is that always best for D, though?

As time has passed, and we’ve taken D less and less to various events, outings or on trips, I continue to worry that he is retreating too much into the comfort of himself, us and his home. I worry that in acquiescing  more and more to what he can and cannot tolerate, are we setting him up for a life far too removed from society? Sometimes I feel compelled to insist that we all must go somewhere or do something all together because dammit, we can do this.

The truth of it is that these decisions are every changing, ever metamorphosizing based on how D is growing and changing and how we all are growing and changing. We have to consider the needs of our other children as well. So whereas more of our family trips are now done as a fractured family and we think carefully before making a long drive anywhere with D (because things can be so unpredictable on these drives), some things we still push on as a family to do. Because it is important to keep trying, keep pushing, keep making mistakes, keep falling and keep getting up again. Just as important as it is to respect what is right for him and what is right for us as an entire family.

And so D and I are visiting my mom and dad. I drove three hours with him by myself yesterday to come to my parents. Though the rest of the family was worried about how he and I would manage alone on the drive, I knew we’d be all right. The best we can do is try.  And, I’ll always keep trying to bring D to visit his grandparents.

Because some things you never give up on.