So…Are You Fasting?

The question seems innocuous at first.  A way to make polite conversation, an opener to get to know someone better. 

Every Ramadan since 1998, I have been asked this same question by people who know me, and people who are complete strangers.  Women, children and men.  I even found myself asking a friend this question, out of care for her in her new marriage to her Muslim husband.  Wanting to find a way of supporting her and maybe finding another common link between the two of us.  Something else we could share.

I never know how to answer.  For me, whether a person is fasting is a very personal act, between them and God.  It is a marker to identify who is Muslim and who is not.  It is a way of labeling you, believer, spiritual, religious, or not.  When I am asked this question, I feel like the person is asking me not out of care for me and my family, but as a way of qualifying me, checking off a box. 

So, I pick and choose how to answer.  In the beginning of my journey, I would just tell everyone “No.”  In actuality, I tried to fast with Khaled our first year of marriage.  I wanted to be a good and supportive wife.  I wanted to support him in his beliefs and make fasting easy on him.  I thought this would be a bonding experience for the two of us.  That quickly was sidelined by the facts that A. I am not a morning person.  If there isn’t a paycheck attached to my alarm clock or an offspring that needs care, it is almost impossible for me to rise before 6:30 in the morning.  B. My husband does not like to eat big meals in the morning before he fasts.  C. In living my active life, if I do not eat or drink anything for more than 5 hours, I often melt down into a sobbing, weepy, difficult, hormonal woman.  D. My husband loves me for who I am, and does not expect me to change.

Now that my children are older, and beginning to fast for longer periods of time, I found myself wanting to be supportive in their struggle to abstain.  I thought that if I could learn like the ladies, I could do it.  For the first seven days, I did fairly well.  Then I hit the wall on the eighth day and melted down, I was a weeping, hormonal mess.  As I reflected on what was happening with myself and my family, I realized that for me, taking care of myself so that I could care for my husband and my children while they are fasting is more important than me causing them more hardship by fasting myself and disrupting our lives more.  I am at peace with this choice. 

The difficulty arises when someone asks me, “So, Are you Fasting?”  Because I am doing my best to fit into the community, I would like to say “yes.”  But it has long been my policy not to lie, for any reason.  So, what do I say?  How do I answer in a way that maintains my place in the community as a tentative member, someone who belongs even though I am non-Muslim.  I want to find a way to respond that maintains my respectful way of communicating and shows that I respect that most everyone around me is fasting.  What is a good way to answer?