50 years of marriage and all I have is great advice
Summary
Confessions of a Hopeless Romantic
Early in our marriage, I became the poster goofball for what not to do on Valentine’s Day. My wife’s friends all got cards and nice little gifts. With the pocket money I had remaining, I bought a pack of cigarettes and told her cards were for elementary school children.
I’ve never lived this down. This early misstep taught me a valuable lesson about the importance of acknowledging special occasions … and my wife.
Now, I no longer smoke, and I also buy cards. This change reflects a personal evolution and a greater understanding of my wife’s expectations.
Another faux pas: I got my wife a gift and thought sure she would be delighted I remembered Valentines’ Day. We had been discussing renovating our bedroom set. I got her a set of knobs. Knobs! Ugly little word. Not comparable to a tennis bracelet. She’s still laughing. This gift-giving mishap highlights the importance of thoughtful and appropriate presents.
I’m a hopeless romantic. Hopeless is the important word. But I can give advice. I write articles on what not to give your wife on Valentine’s Day as cautionary tales for others.
Having survived over 50 years of marriage unscathed, my marriage advice coming up.
Here are a couple of the love songs I wrote for her:
In Love With the Woman You Are (soft rock). Or Easy listening.
Podcast show links with added content: Substack, YouTube video, Spotify, and Apple podcasts. These appear a day after blog-article posts.
Ref. verses
This verse seems very appropriate for me:
“Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love makes up for many of your faults.”
– 1 Peter 4:8 (MSG)
First the marriage news
While advertising for a course I do on marriage enhancement and immediately got a call from a woman whose husband had just asked her for a divorce. Argh! By that time it’s almost too late.
There is good news and bad news. Around 50% of marriages who enter counseling have satisfying relationships after four years. The remainder are statistics. This underscores the urgency of addressing marital issues proactively.
Also, good news is those marriages that successfully navigate challenges often develop greater resilience and strength. The bad news is that nearly half of all first marriages fail. The worst news is that it gets progressively worse with remarriage. Sixty percent of second marriages fail. Seventy-three percent of third marriages end in divorce.
The better news is the divorce rate for first marriages is falling. There are compelling reasons why.
Let’s look at:
- Why is the divorce rate falling?
- Clarify expectations and set the ground rules before tying the knot
- Get to know each other
- What has been key in my marriage?
- Don’t put up with abuse
End Summary
Deep Dive
Why is the divorce rate for first marriages falling?
Maturity is the main reason. People are waiting until the average age of twenty-seven before marrying, instead of nineteen to twenty-three as they did in the romance and sex era of the 1960s. “Romance” being a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love or other things, such as adventure.
People’s sense of ethics and morality is mostly complete by this time. Their maturity is about the same at thirty as it is when they’re fifty. So they are more reliable.
New generations, Millennials and Gen Z, are much more pragmatic about their decisions by this time. They have less of a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love. They are more realistic going into relationships.
Clarify expectations and set the ground rules before tying the knot
Find out what your partner is going to expect from you before making that commitment. Does he want you to be barefoot, pregnant, cooking, cleaning, and antisocial? Some men are very private and jealous.
Does she want you to earn a million dollars before you’re thirty? Does she want to be kept instead of contributing?
These things seem like clichés, but I’ve known people like this. One didn’t like “uppity” California women, so he wanted to mail-order a bride from the Philippines.
Sometimes these expectations are unconscious models of their mothers or fathers that they harbor. They don’t work today.
Get to know each other
Give it a two-year introduction. My wife and I did, even though I wanted to rush in after two months. By the time we married, we knew each other’s faults, expectations, and good qualities (I lacked them). We also couldn’t wait to get married by that point.
More importantly, over a long courtship, we find out if the other person is reliable, trustworthy, and truly interested in you. These are keys to any relationship, and without trust, there can be no relationship. Does the person keep their word?
During that time, we learn how the other person will treat us in marriage. Will they run off and play sports at the drop of a hat? Will she spend all her time with her friends? I’m not saying hobbies and friends should be dropped—they definitely should not. But spending time together is important.
By the time we got married, we couldn’t stay away from each other.
What has been key in my marriage?
Commitment is important. But there is no glue called commitment. What it really means is that you keep trying to make your marriage good. When you quit trying it goes to pieces. It’s an active, ongoing process, not a static state.
- Give yourself to the other with abandon. By that, I mean, don’t put restrictions on marriage and your part in it. Marriage makes varied and intense demands that are often difficult to face. You will get stretched to the breaking point. Be prepared to give your all, even when it’s challenging.
- Take divorce off the table and forget the word. If you’re always a step away from the escape hatch, it’s too easy. Don’t ever bring it up. Bringing it up is an indication you’re not committed. Keep in mind that divorce is at the top of the list of miseries, and marriage is much farther down the list. It’s better to fix it than end it. This unwavering commitment provides a sense of security and encourages problem-solving.
Keep in mind that there are a lot of struggles in marriage. Sometimes, fulfilling your marital commitments requires sacrificing personal pursuits. Both of us have done so. Sacrifice is an inevitable part of a long-term relationship.
The marriage that survives difficulties, and we’ve had several, comes out stronger for it. Challenges can forge a deeper bond and greater resilience. - Marriage has a lot of give and take. Sometimes you give 200 percent, making up for the other person. She gave more than I did, so in retirement it’s “all about her.” I support whatever she wants to do. We could do better, but at least I recognize and appreciate her contribution. Balance and reciprocity are essential, though they may shift over time.
- Kids can make or break a marriage. They place intense and long-lasting demands on both people. Some can’t take it. It helps if you are married for a year or two before having children so that you get to enjoy the pleasure of each other’s company. Parenting adds another layer of complexity to the marital dynamic
- Find ways to spend quality time together. Some make date nights. Some reserve time for each other. Some do special things. Some just do hobbies and projects together. Make sure your partner knows you want to be with them. Life gets hectic, and people feel neglected. Prioritizing quality time strengthens connection and prevents feelings of neglect or feeling unloved.
- I make coffee for my wife several times a day. It makes up for a lot of other things. She loves it. Small gestures of love and service can have a big impact.
- Make sure your partner knows they are special to you. Lately, I write poems and songs for her. Not many can do that, of course. But you can do other things. Sex is important. Know your partner’s love language. I used to get her “gas station roses” before it became ridiculed by snobs, but at least it showed I was thinking of her. Expressing love and appreciation in ways that resonate with your partner is crucial.
- We didn’t marry because we were like each other. Our compatibility is because we complement each other. I love her fun-loving personality because I’m not fun, and she appreciates that I’m rock solid during difficult times. She’s a thrifty spender and keeps my less thrifty expenditures in check. I’m a dreamer, and she’s very down to earth, which keeps me grounded. Embracing differences can create a strong and balanced partnership.
I wouldn’t even have to think about marrying her again. I’m in. This unwavering feeling speaks volumes about the strength of our relationship.
Keep in mind that your marriage is an example to your children. Many today won’t even consider marriage because of the high divorce rate. But a loving relationship that works is a very compelling example. A healthy marriage can positively influence future generations.
I wouldn’t even have to think about marrying her again. I’m in.
Communication is key
Most problems in life can be resolved through fair and open communications.
Two of the difficulties are, men often don’t recognize their feelings. And people aren’t rational. It’s difficult to discuss things rationally when people are irrational. Sometimes it takes a professional to help them sort things out.
Thankfully new generations are more rational thinkers than previous ones.
Understanding Emotions: 15 Ways to Identify Your Feelings
If you can’t communicate because of anger or disappointment, walk away, cool off, and then try to identify your feelings and return to the conversation.
Stop arguments when they begin. Arguments are about winning. Turn them into discussions that look for common interests and win win solutions.
Don’t put up with abuse
Abuse is a reason for divorce, not an excuse.
There are many types of abuse. These include physical abuse, withholding love, verbal abuse, and narcissism.
Don’t try to diagnose narcissism. You’re probably not a psychologist and diagnosis has to be thorough.
If your partner is constantly gaslighting you, or turning things around and blaming you for everything, then they are using psychological devices such as defense mechanisms to not accept responsibility. They need professional help, and sometimes these problems are very deeply rooted. The closer they are to narcissism the less likely they can fix the problem.
Withholding love will eventually lead to losing your love for the other person. At that point the marriage may be irretrievable. Don’t let it get this far.
Abuse only gets worse. Allowing abuse enables the abuser to do worse things. Stop abuse in its tracks. If they won’t stop, leave and get a divorce.
Conclusion
Most marriages can be saved if you start doing the right things and stop doing the wrong things. Let love rule, not anger, passive aggressive behavior, endless arguing, and revenge. Goodwill goes a long way toward making relationships good.
Part of saving marriages is looking for the right people before committing to marriage.
- Look for people to partner with who appreciate you. If everything is about them, then they only love themselves. People who love others go out of their way to please them.
- Look for people who are reliable and you can trust. If they don’t keep their word, they most likely won’t in marriage. Marriage is built on trust.
- Look for people who show no signs of abusing you. If they are abusive, once you’re hitched and less likely to leave, they will only get worse.
- Stop arguments when they begin. Arguments are about winning. Turn them into discussions that look for common interests and win win solutions. I still have trouble with this. I’m far from perfect.
Your marriage is an example to your children. Make sure a loving relationship is the example you set.
3 ways to build a happy marriage and avoid divorce | George Blair-West, TEDx
“With anger and hate, we have more to lose than gain – break the cycle” – Dorian Scott Cole
Probability Space
What probability spaces can we open in our minds to love with abandon, engender trust, turn arguments into positive discussions, communicate better, avoid abuse, get more time together, and set a better example for our children?
(A probability space is where all of the elements necessary for something to happen are present and it’s almost inevitable. All it takes is intention.)
Potential Space
If you think creatively and allow your mind to wander and explore, using your partner’s love language, what can you do to make your partner feel appreciated every day?
(A potential space is a virtual space in our minds where entirely new things can take shape.) More: Is Music A Form Of Prayer?
Would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below. This helps me improve my work.
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Below is information for church planning to minister to new generations, building a community of action, service opportunities, Education Opportunities for new generations, and descriptions of the author’s books.
Church planning season – strong impact course
How can churches minister to new generations if they won’t come to church? The church has been losing people at 1% a year, and now most of new generations won’t come.
I developed and presented a course on understanding and working with new generations. I would like to say I had rave reviews, but on a scale of 1 to 5 it averaged 4.5. Well, some people were raving.
The course helps people understand new generations, their values, and their differences. It helps people understand how to build a bridge to them and minister to them. The old worn-out things we used to do don’t work, and for good reason. This solutions focused course enables people to find new ways, appropriate ways, to minister to these generations in their local circumstances. It’s for church groups and generates deep discussion.
Free video preview of the course
Course on Udemy: Understanding and Working with New Generations
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– Dorian
Our answer is God. God’s answer is us. Together we make the world better.
Restore and recreate. Take time to celebrate life. Laugh, sing, and dance regularly, even every day. Happy. This is why we dance to celebrate life: Reindeer actually running and dancing.
Building a Community of Action
New Way Forward community
Can we make a positive change in our world and end a lot of suffering?
Helen Keller, who was both blind and deaf, said: “Although the world is full of suffering, it’s also full of the overcoming of it.”
The human spirit yearns for a world without suffering, but it’s through facing challenges that we progress. The world isn’t perfect, but together we can create a future with less hardship. Famine, discrimination, gun violence, and injurious economic and educational disparities are complex problems, yet understanding their root causes empowers us to find solutions.
Launching in first quarter 2025, the New Way Forward community will connect individuals seeking practical solutions and creating lasting change. We’ll focus on understanding problems and their solutions, and how to effectively create change.
Join us in building a brighter tomorrow! New Way Forward on Facebook.
Civic service opportunities
Do Unto Others Kindness Campaign, and civic engagement.
United Methodist Church Volunteer Opportunities.
Join or support Zero Hour and amplify the voices of youth organizing for climate action.
Peoples Hub. Resistance, Resilience, Restoration, Re-imagination. Online Popular Education. For movement workers to learn, connect, collaborate, and strategize – in and across the disability justice and solidarity economy movements.
Stakeholder Capitalism – a video podcast series from the World Economic Forum. Can capitalism be made to work for all of us – and to improve rather than destroy the state of the planet?
General service and aid opportunities (on One Spirit Resources Website). To add your service opportunity to the One Spirit Resources list, contact the author (me) through Facebook Messenger. Note that I only friend people I know.
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Education Opportunities for new generations
Becoming an Entrepreneur – MITx online
Evaluating Social Programs – MITx online
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Bible scripture verses are New American Standard Version (NASB), unless noted.
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Author and books
Appease the Volcano: What does God require from people? The voices of the ancients from many religions echo much of the same things: It starts with law, then mercy and forgiveness, then love. Love is a major emphasis in all major religions and replaces law.
The Prophetic Pattern: Ancient and Modern Prophecy: How to distinguish the intent of various types of prophecies and oracles, both ancient and modern.
Preparing For the Future Of Work and Education: Analysis of the kinds of jobs that AI and Robotics will displace, and the educational requirements for them. AI will replace or augment thirty percent of jobs. This is an in-depth analysis citing many authoritative sources.
Author Website: Dorian Scott Cole
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