The Beautiful Generation and Vulnerability

Vulnerability and Being Enough

Summary

A striking characteristic distinguishing older generations from Gen Z and some Millennials is the latter’s embrace of vulnerability. This is often misunderstood, making them seem weak even though it takes great strength to be vulnerable. They feel it is not only necessary but beautiful. It brings them connection with others. This embrace of vulnerability is a defining characteristic of this generation.

Older generations often prioritize independence and emotional restraint. They are very independent-minded and very reluctant to even show emotion. They see this as a strength, yet it’s a weakness that can rob them of connection, joy, love, self-understanding, improved relationships, meaning, and even creativity. This emotional reserve, while perhaps stemming from a desire for self-reliance, can inadvertently hinder their ability to form deep connections.

This contrast in approaches to vulnerability is explored in Brené Brown’s influential TED Talk, The power of vulnerability. This popular TED Talk explores the transformative power of vulnerability and its connection to authenticity and connection.

Podcast show links: Substack, YouTube video, Spotify, and Apple podcasts. These appear a day after blog-article posts.

Image composition by Dorian Scott Cole. Heart image on Picryl, CCO.

Reference verses and quotes

This idea of embracing imperfection is echoed in religious and philosophical thought.

“Yes, all have sinned; all fall short of God’s glorious ideal.” – Romans 3:23

 “But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.” – Romans 5:8 (NRSV)Quotes

“There would be no need for love if perfection were possible. Love arises from our imperfection, from our being different and always in need of the forgiveness, encouragement and that missing half of ourselves that we are searching for, as the Greek myth tells us, in order to complete ourselves.” – Eugene Kennedy

This exploration of vulnerability and its impact on connection and well-being delves deeper into the specific ways this generation is reshaping our understanding of strength and authenticity. Authenticity is a hill to die on for new generations, and being vulnerable is a vital aspect of being vulnerable.

End summary

Deep dive

How to feel worthy

The pursuit of worthiness—that deep sense of self-acceptance and value—is a fundamental human desire. I believe that we all gain a sense of acceptance and value from others in our youth. Our sense of worth is often nurtured through positive interactions and affirmations from others during our formative years, but excessive negative messages can undermine this development. This early foundation plays a crucial role in shaping our self-perception.

Positive psychology offers valuable insights into the components of worthiness. These include that feelings of worthiness come from building self-esteem, self-compassion, and self-acceptance, and a sense of belonging and purpose. A primary driver comes from being connected to others, which reinforces acceptance. These elements work together to create a strong sense of self-worth.

A major destroyer of worthiness comes from negative messages from others. These negative messages often constitute abuse, whether emotional, verbal, or even physical. It’s important to recognize that these negative messages reflect the insecurities and limitations of the person delivering them, not your own inherent worth. If the relationship is abusive, prioritizing your well-being may necessitate ending the relationship.  Protecting your sense of worth requires setting healthy boundaries and distancing yourself from toxic relationships.

Sometimes the voice in our head comes from critics like a parent who always criticized everyone and everything. That’s a common and frustrating experience–that inner critic echoing voices from the past. It is difficult to turn off, and simply telling yourself to stop thinking negatively often doesn’t work.

Some suggestions: Say to yourself, “Okay, there’s that voice again.” This takes away some of its power.

What triggers this critical voice? Is it related to specific situations, tasks, or people? Identifying the triggers can help you anticipate and prepare for the negative self-talk.

Challenge the voice. Just because the voice says something negative doesn’t make it true.

Would you offer the same harsh criticism of a friend that your inner voice is dishing out? Probably not.

Instead of thinking, “I’m a failure,” try “I’m learning and growing, and this is a challenge I can overcome.

Some other effective responses could be, “That’s not helpful,” “I’m not listening to that right now,” or “Thank you for your opinion, but I’ll decide what’s true for me.”

Use a humorous response to deflate the power of the inner critic. Shout, “Bugdust,” or “Oh, peacock,” as my grandmother used to do.

Imagine a bright red stop sign whenever the negative voice starts up. This can be a visual cue to interrupt the thought pattern.

Always replace the negative thought with a positive affirmation. Have a few positive affirmations ready to go. When the negative voice appears, immediately replace it with a positive statement about yourself.

Life is full of challenges, and most of us don’t have ready responses to those challenges. Life is a learning experience. Expect to not do well, and be forgiving and accepting of yourself. Do better next time until you master it.

Changing deeply ingrained thought patterns takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself and don’t get discouraged if the negative voice reappears. The more you practice these techniques, the quieter that inner critic will become. It’s like building a muscle – it takes consistent effort to see results.

Cultivating a strong sense of worth requires actively nurturing self-esteem, practicing self-compassion, and establishing healthy boundaries to protect yourself from negativity. The following sections will explore specific strategies for achieving this.

Hot air versus self-esteem

The human need for positive affirmation is undeniable. These messages help counteract negative messages. These certainly help to override our internal messages of self-doubt. Our brains are wired to pay more attention to negative information since we see them as a threat. This negativity bias makes it crucial to actively seek out and internalize positive affirmations.

I’ve seen it happen that a positive comment from a teacher to a student who frequently misbehaves, has turned the child around. It didn’t work with me. But it does work.

It takes anywhere from 3 to 10 positive messages to balance out one negative message. The deeper and more hurtful the negative message, the more positive messages it takes to counter it. This underscores the importance of consistent positive reinforcement, especially when dealing with deeply ingrained negativity.

However, while social acceptance and positive messages are important, even critically important to our concept of self, the truest way we build self-esteem is through our accomplishments. External validation is valuable, but genuine self-esteem is rooted in a sense of personal competence and achievement.

These don’t have to be “save the world” type accomplishments. Little things are sufficient. These include things like getting a good grade, getting a smile from others, doing a project that gives you a sense of accomplishment, getting a first kiss, pleasing someone with something you do for them, seeing value in your work, getting a good employment review or a “job well done.” This assumes these things are important to you. If not, they don’t matter. The key is that the accomplishments are meaningful to the individual.

Our accomplishments tell us that we are competent and valued. These experiences provide concrete evidence of our capabilities and contribute to a growing sense of self-worth.

We have to remember that none of us are perfect. We all have flaws. I accumulate them like dust on a wood floor, and regret them like a haystack on fire. We all make mistakes, every single one of us. Acknowledging our imperfections and mistakes is a crucial part of self-acceptance and a healthy approach to self-esteem.

Embracing both positive affirmations and a focus on meaningful personal achievements is essential for cultivating a healthy and resilient sense of self-worth.

According to the concept of neuroplasticity, consistently practicing gratitude by recalling three things you are happy for each day for 21 days can help rewire your brain to focus more on positive aspects of life, potentially leading to a more positive outlook and increased happiness. This is often referred to as “training your brain to be happy.”

Ignore the perfect

Our culture bombards us with images of perfection and we’re driven to comparison. This pervasive focus on perfection is particularly evident in the way models are presented in media. TV shows have perfect characters who understand, state, and exorcise the imperfection in others to create perfect happy endings.

Porn offers idealized images and outcomes that aren’t real life. This pursuit of an unrealistic ideal often leads to seeking intimacy outside of marriage, creating affairs. The constant barrage of these unrealistic portrayals creates a sense of inadequacy and fuels unhealthy comparisons.

Perfect models make us feel flawed and inadequate. Research clearly shows that women often respond negatively to advertising that features idealized images of beauty. Advertisers have realized this and are more often using actors who are less perfect in appearance.

We relate better to imperfect people whether in ads or real life. This shift in advertising reflects a growing recognition of the negative impact of unrealistic beauty standards.

TV shows sometimes create unrealistic expectations that our partners and friends are psychologists who diagnose and do therapy. To be sure, it’s very important to have friends who listen with understanding and commiseration. But these polished characterizations leave us feeling inadequate for not having this kind of insight. This unrealistic portrayal of relationships can create undue pressure and disappointment.

Pornography often creates unrealistic expectations regarding physical appearance and sexual performance, which can negatively impact intimate relationships. It drives a lust for ever-heightened sexual experiences that often end in extremism. It separates us emotionally from our partners. This disconnect between fantasy and reality can lead to significant problems in real-life relationships.

Intimacy has little to do with physical appearance, although men are more visual than women in creating sexual desire, while more often women want quality time and physical attention. Cultivating intimacy within a marriage requires focusing on emotional connection and shared experiences.

Looking outside of our marriage for intimacy and understanding means we aren’t cultivating these experiences within our marriage. Waiting too long to fix it may wreck the marriage. This highlights the importance of prioritizing intimacy and addressing issues within the marital relationship.

The middle school years can be a particularly challenging time for developing a sense of self-worth. What I’ve seen is during this period, some children engage in hurtful behaviors such as negative comments and bullying.

Few come out of it unscathed at this very vulnerable age when personality is raw, being formed, and peers are becoming very important in influence. This formative period can be particularly challenging for developing a sense of self-worth.

This kind of treatment should be stopped. It doesn’t harden people. It creates a life-long deficit. Those who comment negatively about other likely have a major deficit themselves. This is likely a parenting problem, and schools are ill-prepared to deal with it. Bullying and negativity can have lasting psychological consequences.

There is always someone better at doing something than any of us are. There are always critics, some of whom criticize to make themselves seem better than others. None of us are likely to ever be at their high level.

We have to ignore them and live our lives as we are able, and realize we aren’t alone—we’re just like most other people. We may not be perfect, but we’re enough, and we’re worthy.

Embracing our imperfections, recognizing our inherent worth, and focusing on our own journey—rather than comparing ourselves to others—are essential steps towards living a fulfilling and authentic life. Ultimately, self-acceptance and recognizing our inherent worth are key to navigating a world that often promotes unrealistic ideals.

Developing feelings of worthiness

Here are some key ways to cultivate a stronger sense of worth:

1. Challenge Negative Self-Talk:

• Become aware of your inner critic: Pay attention to the negative thoughts and judgments you have about yourself. Are they realistic and helpful, or are they based on fear and insecurity?
• Reframe negative thoughts: When you notice a negative thought, challenge its validity. Is there evidence to support it, or is it just an assumption? Try replacing negative thoughts with more positive and realistic ones.
• Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend. Acknowledge your struggles and imperfections without harsh judgment.

2. Focus on Your Strengths and Accomplishments:

• Identify your positive qualities: What are you good at? What do you value about yourself? Make a list of your strengths, talents, and positive traits.
• Celebrate your successes: Take time to acknowledge and appreciate your accomplishments, no matter how small they may seem. Keep a journal of your successes to remind yourself of your capabilities.
• Focus on progress, not perfection: Don’t let the pursuit of perfection undermine your sense of worth. Embrace the learning process and celebrate your growth, even if you make mistakes along the way.

3. Set Realistic Goals and Take Action:

• Break down large goals into smaller steps: This makes them feel less overwhelming and increases your chances of success.
• Take action towards your goals: Each step you take, no matter how small, builds momentum and reinforces your belief in yourself.
• Celebrate your progress: Acknowledge and appreciate your efforts and achievements along the way.

4. Build Supportive Relationships:

• Surround yourself with positive people: Seek out relationships with people who uplift you, believe in you, and appreciate you for who you are.
• Communicate your needs: Don’t be afraid to ask for support when you need it.
• Set healthy boundaries: Protect your emotional well-being by setting limits on relationships that are toxic or draining.

5. Practice Self-Care:

• Prioritize your physical health: Get enough sleep, eat nutritious foods, and engage in regular exercise.
• Engage in activities you enjoy: Make time for hobbies, interests, and activities that bring you joy and relaxation.
• Practice mindfulness and meditation: These practices can help you become more present and aware of your thoughts and feelings, promoting self-acceptance and reducing stress.

6. Seek Professional Help if Needed:

• Consider therapy or counseling: A therapist can provide a safe space to explore your feelings of unworthiness and develop strategies for building self-esteem.
• Join a support group: Connecting with others who have similar experiences can be validating and empowering.

7. Remember Your Intrinsic Worth:

• You are worthy simply because you exist: You don’t have to earn your worth or prove your value to anyone. You are inherently worthy of love, respect, and happiness.
• Embrace your imperfections: Everyone makes mistakes and has flaws. These don’t diminish your worth as a person.
• Believe in yourself: Cultivate a belief in your own capabilities and potential. Trust that you have what it takes to navigate challenges and create a fulfilling life.

Building a strong sense of worth is a journey, not a destination. It takes time, effort, and self-compassion. Be patient with yourself, celebrate your progress, and remember that you are worthy of all good things.

Conclusion

To feel worthy of connecting with others requires courage, compassion, and being open and vulnerable. The reward is deeper love, joy, and creativity. Embracing these qualities allows us to forge meaningful connections and experience the richness of human relationships.

Feeling worthy isn’t an easy task, especially if you’ve lived a long time with feelings of unworthiness or gotten a lot of negative messages. This process takes time. This journey of self-discovery and healing requires patience and persistence.

It’s important to work on yourself. Negative self-talk and negative self-images are major impediments to feelings of worthiness. Addressing these internal barriers is crucial for cultivating self-acceptance and a positive self-perception.

While inner work is essential, we must also acknowledge the influence of our social environment. As someone who works with social psychology, I understand that we aren’t in this alone. Social connection is a fundamental human need, and we are influenced by the opinions of others. “No man is an island.” But we need to be selective and weed out negative influences. While social connection is essential, it’s vital to curate our relationships and protect ourselves from negativity.

The perceptions of others significantly impact our self-esteem, sense of worth, and feelings of worthiness. We need to develop relationships with those who are positive and accepting and avoid relationships that are negative and toxic. Surrounding ourselves with supportive and affirming individuals is essential for building and maintaining self-worth.

One way of doing this is to compliment others on qualities and skills you see in them. You may get reciprocal comments, maybe not. It depends on the person. People who have a ‘deficit’ (a lack of self-worth) will likely appreciate the comment more and are likely to compliment you. People without a deficit are more likely to give you a compliment in return since they likely see the good in others.

Focus on appreciating the strengths of others without engaging in self-comparison. Expressing appreciation for others can be a powerful way to foster positive connections and build a supportive community. Remember, the goal is to appreciate the unique qualities of others, not to measure ourselves against them.

By cultivating self-compassion, nurturing positive relationships, and focusing on the good in ourselves and others, we can embark on a journey toward lasting self-worth and genuine connection.

What you focus on becomes who you are. You are what you think. If you focus on happy things for 21 days, you rewire your brain to be happy. If you focus on feeling worthy for 21 days, you’re more likely to feel worthy.

Nelson Mandela was a political activist and politician in South Africa. For his efforts he was imprisoned as a political prisoner for 27 years. Despite this he kept his famous sense of humor. He always looked for the best in people, even defending political opponents to his allies. He became the first black president of South Africa in 1994.

Feeling worthy is a complex and personal experience, and the journey to cultivating it is unique to each individual. A combination of self-reflection, positive practices, and, if needed, professional guidance can be beneficial.

“With hate, we have more to lose than gain–break the cycle” – Dorian Scott Cole

Some helpful references are listed below.

Probability Space

What probability spaces can we open in our minds to develop practices that help others feel accepted and worthy?

(A probability space is where all of the elements necessary for something to happen are present and it’s almost inevitable. All it takes is intention.)

Potential Space

If you think creatively and allow your mind to wander and explore, how can we be more intentional about helping others realize that they are worthy? Not to do this as a transaction, but doing so will likely help us feel more worthy.

(A potential space is a virtual space in our minds where entirely new things can take shape.) More: Is Music A Form Of Prayer?

Would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below. This helps me improve my work.
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Below is information for church planning to minister to new generations, building a community of action, service opportunities, Education Opportunities for new generations, and descriptions of the author’s books.

Some helpful references

The power of vulnerability. TED Talk on YouTube. This popular TED Talk explores the transformative power of vulnerability and its connection to authenticity and connection.

Self-Esteem:

• Baumeister, R. F. (1998). The self-esteem myth. Scientific American, 278(6), 71-75. (This article challenges some common assumptions about self-esteem but doesn’t negate its importance; it emphasizes the need for genuine self-esteem built on real accomplishments and positive self-perception.)
• Leary, M. R., & Baumeister, R. F. (2000). The nature and functions of self-esteem: Sociometer theory. In M. P. Zanna (Ed.), Advances in experimental social psychology (Vol. 32, pp. 1-62). Academic Press. (This is a more academic and in-depth look at self-esteem, proposing the “sociometer theory” which links self-esteem to social acceptance.)

Self-Compassion:

• Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-102. (Kristin Neff is the leading researcher on self-compassion. This is her seminal paper introducing the concept.)
• Neff, K. D. (2016). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow. (This is a more accessible book for the general public, explaining self-compassion and offering practical exercises.)

Self-Acceptance:

• Ellis, A. (2001). Overcoming destructive beliefs, feelings, and behavior: New directions for rational emotive behavior therapy. Prometheus Books. (While not strictly positive psychology, Ellis’s work on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is highly influential and emphasizes the importance of accepting oneself unconditionally.)

Resilience (contributes to a sense of worth by enabling one to overcome challenges):

• Masten, A. S. (2014). Global perspectives on resilience in children and youth. Child Development, 85(1), 6-20. (This article provides a broader overview of resilience.)
• Seligman, M. E. P. (2006). Learned optimism: How to change your mind and your life. Vintage. (Seligman’s work on learned optimism is closely tied to resilience and the ability to bounce back from setbacks.)

Meaning and Purpose (finding meaning can contribute to a sense of value):

• Frankl, V. E. (2006). Man’s search for meaning. Beacon Press. (Frankl’s classic work emphasizes the importance of finding meaning in life, even in the face of suffering.)
• Seligman, M. E. P. (2002). Authentic happiness. Free Press. (Seligman discusses meaning as one of the key components of well-being.)

Important Considerations:

• Interconnectedness: These concepts are interconnected. Self-compassion can lead to greater self-acceptance, which can bolster self-esteem and contribute to resilience. Finding meaning can also enhance self-esteem and resilience.
• Individual Differences: What contributes to a sense of worth varies from person to person. It’s important to find what works best for you.
• Practice: Building self-worth is an ongoing process. It requires consistent effort and self-reflection.

Church planning season – strong impact course

How can churches minister to new generations if they won’t come to church? The church has been losing people at 1% a year, and now most of new generations won’t come.

I developed and presented a course on understanding and working with new generations. I would like to say I had rave reviews, but on a scale of 1 to 5 it averaged 4.5. Well, some people were raving.

The course helps people understand new generations, their values, and their differences. It helps people understand how to build a bridge to them and minister to them. The old worn-out things we used to do don’t work, and for good reason. This solutions focused course enables people to find new ways, appropriate ways, to minister to these generations in their local circumstances. It’s for church groups and generates deep discussion.

Free video preview of the course

Course on Udemy: Understanding and Working with New Generations

 

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–           Dorian

Our answer is God. God’s answer is us. Together we make the world better.

Restore and recreate. Take time to celebrate life. Laugh, sing, and dance regularly, even every day. Happy. This is why we dance to celebrate life: Reindeer actually running and dancing.

Building a Community of Action

New Way Forward community

Can we make positive change in our world and end a lot of suffering?

Helen Keller, who was both blind and deaf, said: “Although the world is full of suffering, it’s also full of the overcoming of it.”

The human spirit yearns for a world without suffering, but it’s through facing challenges that we progress. The world isn’t perfect, but together we can create a future with less hardship. Famine, discrimination, gun violence, and injurious economic and educational disparities are complex problems, yet understanding their root causes empowers us to find solutions.

Launching in first quarter 2025, the New Way Forward community will connect individuals seeking practical solutions and creating lasting change. We’ll focus on understanding problems and their solutions, and how to effectively create change.

Join us in building a brighter tomorrow! New Way Forward on Facebook.

Civic service opportunities

Do Unto Others Kindness Campaign, and civic engagement.

UCC service opportunities.

PC USA programs and services.

United Methodist Church Volunteer Opportunities.

Join or support Zero Hour and amplify the voices of youth organizing for climate action.

Peoples Hub. Resistance, Resilience, Restoration, Re-imagination. Online Popular Education. For movement workers to learn, connect, collaborate, and strategize – in and across the disability justice and solidarity economy movements.

Stakeholder Capitalism – a video podcast series from the World Economic Forum. Can capitalism be made to work for all of us – and to improve rather than destroy the state of the planet?

General service and aid opportunities (on One Spirit Resources Website). To add your service opportunity to the One Spirit Resources list, contact the author (me) through Facebook Messenger. Note that I only friend people I know.

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Education Opportunities for new generations

Becoming an Entrepreneur – MITx online

Evaluating Social Programs – MITx online

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Bible scripture verses are New American Standard Version (NASB), unless noted.

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Author and books

Appease the Volcano: What does God require from people? The voices of the ancients from many religions echo much of the same things: It starts with law, then mercy and forgiveness, then love. Love is a major emphasis in all major religions and replaces law.

The Prophetic Pattern: Ancient and Modern Prophecy: How to distinguish the intent of various types of prophecies and oracles, both ancient and modern.

Preparing For the Future Of Work and Education: Analysis of the kinds of jobs that AI and Robotics will displace, and the educational requirements for them. AI will replace or augment thirty percent of jobs. This is an in-depth analysis citing many authoritative sources.

Author Website: Dorian Scott Cole