And now for something completely frivolous

Vogue’s “Diversity” cover manages to make seven women from differing ethnic backgrounds look about as non-diverse as possible. Of course, I’m not the only one who has noticed this, but I think I have a unique observation as to where the problem really lies.

It’s the noses.

You can look however you like in fashion, as long as you have the same cheekbones and noses. The occasional “plus-sized” model is allowed for extra diversity points, but she can’t be posed in any way that shows creases or curves, and, of course, “plus-sized” in fashion is actually average-sized for the population–no actual heavy-set women may apply. And of course, you can have any shade of skin lighter than a macchiato. The fashion industries ideas of diversity are pretty limited on a lot of fronts, I know.

But the noses. Yeesh. Did they all have the same plastic surgeon?

Do they measure noses at the door when booking models or something? If your nose is any wider than a couple centimetres, extends further out from your face than your razor-sharp cheekbones or can be described as anything more definite than “pert,” you don’t get a call-back?

Maybe I’m sensitive about nasal discrimination due to my own striking schnozz. I have a nose that aspires to hag status. It hangs down low enough that I can plug my own nose with my upper lip when swimming.

It’s never been my favourite feature, which might be why I fell in love with the only person to ever describe my nose favourably to me. He called it “regal.” I wasn’t going to let that level of nasal affirmation get away, so I married him.

Someone told me when I was a child that noses and ears are the only parts of the body that continue to grow over your entire lifespan. Sometimes the thought keeps me up at night. I imagine myself, old, with apple cheeks and smile lines and a snout that gets in the way when I try to spoon porridge into my aged, toothless mouth.

It wasn’t always like this. My nose looked like the ones in the Vogue picture once. Granted, I was 4 or 5 at the time. My best days are behind me, I guess.

Vogue, if you really want to celebrate diversity, how about starting with some nasal positivity? It’s too early yet to tell if my daughter will take after me in the probiscis department, but if she does, I’d like there to be some plus-nose-sized representation to meet her.