Change can be good

The baby had taken a while to settle down, and it was midnight when I finally fell asleep. It was the kind of sleep that came instantly, and when a scream pulled me out of it 34 minutes later I felt as though there were bowling balls tied to my eyelids.

I staggered into the girls bedroom (where Ms Action was thankfully still sleeping) and found my 2 year old kicking the side of her crib. I checked her diaper and it was dry. Maybe she just needed to be tucked in? But no, when I tried to fix the blankets her rage only increased.

I bundled her out of the crib and walked into the living room with her, maybe she’d had a bad dream or something. At first we sat on the couch for a bit, her whole body relaxed into mine and we snuggled. “Hak” she said, pointing in the direction of the kitchen, “Hak”. I had no idea what that meant, and I was tired. I started to whisper to her that it was dark and everyone else was asleep and it was time for her to go back to sleep. And that was when she arched her back and screamed again. She pointed insistently at the kitchen saying “hak!”over and over.

By now I was getting fed up, what the heck did she want? Why was she awake in the first place? Clearly she was just trying to manipulate me into letting her stay up. “Quiet!” I hissed, shaking her arm. “It is time to sleep!” And when that didn’t work “Shut up!” She was quiet for a moment, and I carried her to her bedroom. The moment her body touched the bed she arched her back and screeched. I tucked in her bear next to her and handed her the sippy cup of water. Kicking vigorously she protested “No! No! Hak! Mama, hak!”

Rage flooded my head, and I shoved her back down onto her pillow. This type of ‘attitude problem’ was ‘unacceptable’, if I had done this as a kid I would have been spanked, and I was very close to smacking my ‘disobedient’ child myself. I took a deep breath, no I wasn’t going to start the spanking thing again, I had been too rough already. I needed to get out of there now. “Whatever!” I tossed in the general direction of the crib as I stomped from the room. I ran to my bed and climbed in under the covers, and listened to Ms Drama raging in the next room.

“Why is she so upset?” asked my hubby sleepily. “I don’t know! She’s just crazy!” I hissed (still hoping that somehow the baby would sleep through all this) she doesn’t want her water, her diaper is fine, she won’t even let me tuck her in! I was about to spank her, so I knew I needed to leave!”

My hubby rolled over and gave me a hug “Good for you, I’m glad you held it together honey.”

I started to cry, “I didn’t!” I wailed into his arms, “I wasn’t gentle enough, and I certainly wasn’t understanding, I’m just so tired!” I wondered if I was even making sense anymore. “I’m a bad mom” I ended.

“You’re not a bad mom” my hubby reassured me, “You kept yourself from being violent, that is a success.”

We lay there for a moment, listening to Ms Drama scream and kick the wall.

Then my hubby said “Is she hungry?”

And suddenly it all made sense.

Ms Drama is prone to sugar crashes, especially when she has hit a growth spurt. She’d had that cookie at the store, and then barely touched her dinner. We had been in a hurry at bedtime, so they hadn’t gotten any snack. Snack! That’s what “hak” meant! She was hungry and she knew she needed a snack.

We got up together and Hubby held our sobbing 2 year old while I buttered a slice of bread. Then we sat together on the couch in the dark while she gobbled it up hungrily. After her “hak” she gladly snuggled down in her bed with her blanky and her bear without a peep.

My hubby fell back asleep right away after I thanked him. But it was after 1 AM by the time I fell asleep. Instead, I lay there remembering back when my husband would have been angry to be awakened in the middle of the night. After all, he needed his sleep! And it was my job to keep the kids quiet. I remembered the times I had spanked my oldest for waking up in the night and “manipulating” me into getting up with her. After all, I couldn’t let a child control my life.

I started thanking God for the changes he has brought about in our family. The changes in our marriage. I have the love and support of my husband all the time now, even in the middle of the night when all either of us wants to do is sleep. The changes in the way we treat our children. We are learning how to respect them, and be more patient in our parenting. The changes in me, as I wrestle with my own anger and learn to ask myself for the first time, what is it that I want out of life?

As rough as the learning process has been sometimes, I am so thankful for the changes in my life.