listen to what the Spirit says to my blog commenters: a vision

listen to what the Spirit says to my blog commenters: a vision June 24, 2015

file0001678969034While painting my kitchen nonstop in high heat since Sunday and not having brushed my teeth for 2 days–because I was on a roll–I fell into a heat-induced trance, where I washed my brushes in the cat litter and I swear I saw a velociraptor running through my backyard. Then a voice came to me.

“Listen, blogger, what I have to say. These words are true and just. Write them down and post them. The end is near.

Behold, I am he who speaks, the one who will open his mouth and sound speech will come forth, concerning this blog and those who comment on it.

I have read this blog, and although sometimes the Author seems a little full of himself and a little too cute for my tastes now and then, nevertheless the Author has shown wisdom and great insight by allowing almost anyone to comment almost anything, and by exercising light maintenance of comments by utilizing the “moderate comments” function provided by WordPress (may its name be blessed).

I have also read the comments to this blog. Listen, commenters. Hear my words and meditate upon them.

I know your works, your enthusiasm, and your persistence. I know some of you simply can’t wait to post your next comment, and I have seen how you endure patiently as you wait for the Author to remember he has “moderate comments” turned on so he can let your comment pass. Your reward will be great.

But I have this against you.

Some of you do not realize “moderate comments” is turned on, and you send very nasty not-at-all nice emails to the Author asking him what the deal is, and why he is so afraid to let your comment pass, and what is he trying to hide, and has he stopped torturing small animals.

Be patient, know that my servant the Author has a life and will get around to it, usually within a few hours. Do not panic and resend the comment several times, thinking perhaps the Internet is broken. Such worrying with not add a single hour to your lifespan–and it will annoy the Author.

Do not resend, as if the Internet will cease to exist and the world will be dumber without your comment. It will appear. Wait for it. It will surely come.

Others of you shalt not pass moderation, neither now nor in the age to come. Because you are crazy. Flat out, cat lady crazy.

You wander around the Internet, which I have created for your enjoyment for posting “can I haz cheezburger plz?” kitty memes, baby goats wearing pajamas, and those really funny variations on that Princess Bride line, “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.” Hilarious.

Instead you abuse my gift and mock my kindness. You think the Internet is a playground for your mischief. You glory in seeking discord, even thinking you are serving me with by being mean. But you are only acting out scenes from your dysfunctional childhood or painful church experience.

The annoyance you cause is great, more so than those who say you don’t really love Jesus unless you repost something, more than those who think Twitter is the right place for nuanced debates, more than those who keep sending you invitations to play FarmVille. More even than popup ads for Viagra or Christian Mingle.

You bring to the discussion no worthy content or interesting question, only your injured souls. Your heart is an empty pit. Many call you “troll.” I call you “Famine” and “Death.” Your end is just.

The Author will not allow your comments to pass; indeed he will block you–though maybe…MAYBE…he will take a chance and let one comment pass incase you are just the occasionally crazy type and you may perchance see your craziness once others point it out to you and repent.  

But if your true and evil craziness is verified, you will be blocked faster that Chris Christie’s arteries, faster than a gas station toilet. Even faster than the Schyullkill Expressway at seriously pretty much any time of day or night. (You’re better off taking 476 then heading into Philly from the south via 95, but watch the shore traffic.)

Those with ears to hear, let them hear what I have instructed the Author to do. These words are trustworthy and true.”

Then I was alone, with still half the kitchen to go. How long, O Lord. Come quickly.

 

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Andrew Dowling

    Slow clap . . .

  • Jim

    Got it. Could you write some more on the whole not brushing your teeth thing?

  • Chris Christie’s arteries = gas station toilet, got it.

  • mjk

    What? No word of reward for those who overcome the comments section? Pretty lame vision.

  • John Shakespeare

    Hear O Enns: Hast thou considered doing a stand-up act?

  • lol

  • Brilliant. Just brilliant. You should write a book on the state of American evangelicalism in this style.

    It was a little too cogent for apocalyptic literature, but I hope it spawns a lot of debate on the significance of the velociraptor.

  • Klasie Kraalogies

    That is classic. I stand in awe.

  • David Lindsay

    Great echos of Revelation 1:11 – write in a blog what you see and send it to the commentators.

  • I usually don’t accept personal messages for me that people insist they have received from the great power, but this one seems legit. My heart is open to it, and I humbly accept it and will act accordingly. Thank you for sharing this revelation.

  • Kim Fabricius

    My Dear Dr. Enns,

    ~+^& %£&# X*!@” ~#+!. Furthermore, ^5$” *^@~X XX %=+#~ K£!(% Z* %$! &G+;£. Finally, *&$_+ @##?*& ^£”!+ ~#}* ++^XX Z$^**&! !&^%=XXX!! ##V&**£.

    Every blessing.

    • peteenns

      Thank you, Kim!! Fortunately I can read Klingon. You say I am the best blogger ever and everyone in America should buy my books. I am humbled, but thankful.

      • Paul D.

        I wonder if Pentecostals believe that the gift of tongues extends to conlangs like Klingon and Esperanto.

  • Stephen W

    Arse biscuits.

  • Best. Comment. Moderation. Post. EVER.

  • Jerrine Regan

    Ha, Ha! Very creatively put!

  • Then I saw the souls of those whose comments had not yet been moderated. They called out in ALL CAPS, “How long, Oh Blogger, until you judge our comments and validate our worth?” Then each of them was given the URL to some other blog they could troll, and they were told to wait a little longer, until the full number of comments were moderated, once the Author finally recovered from the paint fumes.

  • Tim Sams

    So Peter…do tell, does God’s voice sound more like Richard Attenborough or Robin Williams? I’ve always wanted to know. This is quite good. Thanks!

    • Klasie Kraalogies

      Heresy! We all know He sounds like Morgan Freeman. At least when speaking to the denizens of this (North American) continent. In the UK he sounds like Ralph Richardson…

    • Mark

      Here’s another vote for Morgan Freeman.

  • PhysRev

    I gravel at your feet, Author. (Lion King reference.)

  • Chris Falter

    This is false prophecy. The Spirit told *me* to take the 495 bypass.

  • Ken Cooper

    Good one! I can relate, since I just painted my kitchen! No visions, just a constant blur of Behr Mild Mint.

  • James

    Maybe you should be even more selective, so that if I see my response featured, for example, I will be surprised. It will mean you think my contribution is positive, or at least adds perspective to your concerns. If you want an open forum where all responses are equally welcomed, you will be much less selective. Depends on what you are trying to accomplish, right?

    • peteenns

      hmmm…..

  • Mark K

    I don’t have time to pursue narrative expansion on this revelation a la James Kugel, as for example the possible motif Peter the Dandy (Potiphar’s House page 76, Joseph the Dandy, is where I would start).

    But you did inspire me to clean the laundry room.

  • Terry

    Pete, we like all the theology, and Jesus and Bible whatever, but we mostly read you for this stuff.

  • Judy Buck-Glenn

    That was absolutely brilliant, but I wish God had kept quiet about taking the Blue Route to 95. I thought that was something revealed to me alone.

  • Greystone

    OMG……I was reading this at work and almost spit my coffee out laughing.

  • RustbeltRick

    You’ve carved out a delightful niche as the only Patheos blogger who is not perpetually outraged.

  • The paint-fumes induced vision you share in the “Moderation Proclamation” has touched my heart–I hear you, Author, through teeth in need of brushing…I hear your words as loudly as Donald Trump talking about birth certificates…as clearly as the mind of Sarah Palin…and your wise words understood as well as the “String Theory” I will abide in thee and thine, moderating trolls…works just fine. 🙂

  • Derek

    Why weren’t you this funny when you were at Westminster?

    • It was against the rules.

      • Derek

        Might it perhaps be that Dr. Enns was more focused on putting into practice 1Peter: 1:17 than perhaps he is now?

        “And if you address as Father the one who impartially judges according to each one’s work, live out the time of your temporary residence here in reverence.”

  • If the whole scholarship thing doesn’t work out, you can go into stand-up comedy

  • This is why I read your blog.

  • Angelika Enns Gorham

    thus saith Author – “like is too short to endure asshats” – you go bro.

  • ” Then a voice came to me.”

    Are you sure it wasn’t the paint thinner fumes?

  • musicalredhead

    Love. It. You, Author, are brilliant!

  • Mark K

    I just got “on a roll”. So I’m slow, so what?

  • Gary

    I hope the room looks nice.

    • peteenns

      It will look better than my back, knee, and shoulder feel.

  • God

    Ahem, God here. I think you are slightly misquoting what I said. I said “not the vanilla, you want magnolia for the walls and a cleaner white for the woodwork.” I also said to load the brush better. Not sure where you got that other stuff from, I’m sure I suggested that you moderated all the Trolls into Gehenna the week before!

    • peteenns

      I’m doing my best, O wrathful one. You’re not known for your clear communication, by the way.

  • Well, that was a revelation 🙂

  • Dean Hawkins

    I just finished reading “The Bible Tells Me So,” and then proceed to discover this little masterpiece.

    You, Mr. Enns, are now one of my favorite scholars.

  • Lark62

    Thank you. I needed a smile today.

  • newenglandsun

    I’ve always considered the “moderate comments” part a nice feature protecting us from being arses.

  • Marge Ellis

    Well done…:)

  • Marcus Johnson

    Just out of curiosity, have you ever considered just turning off the comments section to your posts? I know Jonathan Merritt did it over at Religion News Service. It just seems weird that we blog followers feel so entitled to engage other bloggers and their readers in combat through the comments section, as though the writer will somehow be compelled to revise the article accordingly.

    And yes, I recognize the irony of asking this question in the comments section, so it would be redundant to bring it up again. 🙂

    • peteenns

      But where would the fun be in that?

  • Since I haven’t seen a post about this yet on the blog, may I just say …

    Marriage equality is now the law of the land in every state. Love wins!

  • D Glover

    Peter, hear and be instructed, listen and gain wisdom. Benjamin Moore Aura, single coat, no priming, use high quality brush, load it and rollers heavy. Benjamin Moore Aura covers over a multitude of trim. Though your kitchen be as 70s burnt orange – high gloss, it shall be revele pewter – egg shell. Then shall you sit under your own fig tree and eat grapes from you own vine. And on the seventh day shall your back unkink, yea, on the eighth day your shoulders unknot.

    • peteenns

      But how can this be? Such a thing has never been seen?
      Does the jackal crow? Do sheep bray?
      Do the rivers reverse course and streams up and say, “I will flow no more”?

      • D Glover

        Hear me once more, for I shall speak wisdom; open your ears, for my mouth shall utter truth. Use only blue, edge-lock masking tape. For when the brush is heavy laden with colour and the wall is still wet, it is the only masking tape whose voice the paint will heed, saying “this far you shall go and no further”. And when the roller is called up yonder, unless you use edge-lock masking tape, so will the paint be. if you do not heed this word, there will come a day when you may be tempted to curse Benjamin Moore in your heart.