I’m having a Mama kind of time.
My 88-year-old mother goes through phases. It took me a while to figure out that these were phases, rather than permanent situations. I don’t know what causes them, and I don’t know why they end. But I do know that while they are making their passage I have a hard time balancing with them.
This latest phase is, “I don’t know what to do.”
Here’s how it works.
11 pm
Mama: I don’t know what to do.
Me: What do you mean?
Mama: I don’t know whether they’re picking me up for my job (adult day care) or what.
Me: They’ll be here at their regular time. You just need to go to bed and get some rest so you’re ready to have fun tomorrow.
Mama: Well … OK. But I don’t know what to do.
11:30 pm
Mama: I don’t know what to do.
Me: What do you mean?
Mama: I can’t remember.
Me: It’s Ok. Just go back to bed and get some sleep and it will be ok tomorrow.
Midnight. 2 am, 3 am. 3:30 am, 4 am, and on until she leaves for Adult Day Care
Mama: I don’t know what to do.
Me: What do you mean?
Mama: I’m afraid they won’t pick me up for my job (adult day care) on time.
Me: Don’t worry. I’ll take you if they don’t pick you up. Now just go back to bed and get some sleep.
9 am
Driver for Adult Day Care: Your mother has been calling me since 4 am, wanting me to come pick her up.
2 pm
Director at Adult Day Care: Your Mother called us every few minutes from 5 am on, wanting us to come get her.
3 pm
Mama: I’m home now. I want you to come take me for a drive.
Me: I’m so tired.
Mama: Oh sweetie, you need to stop working so hard and get some sleep.
Me: Yeah. You’re right.
Mama: Now, I want you to take me for a drive.
If I sometimes seem grouchy, absent-minded or just plain goofy, remember this and cut me a little slack. It’s just a phase. It may go on for days, weeks or months, but at some point, Mama will start sleeping through the night again and she will be blissfully unaware that there ever was a time when she didn’t know what to do. I don’t know exactly how it happens, but it does.
This last slow walk with Mama is a surprisingly beautiful time with its own surprises and profound touches of grace. Even when I am groggy and nauseous from lack of sleep, I am still glad that I have her. Contrary to the nonsense our culture teaches us, it is a gift to be old and full of years, both to the people who live it and to the people who take care of them.
Everything I ever needed to know about love, I learned from my parents. I am fortunate indeed that my Mama, even as she wakes me up to the beat of her own internal metronome, is still teaching me.