Unforgiven

There are, in this world, unforgivable sins. They are not the sins you would think of, such as theft, rape, murder, or general mayhem. In my experience, these sins can be forgiven and explained and the offender can be allowed to still be apart of their own little circle of family. The sins which cannot be forgiven by our loved ones, are much subtler, and the impact of them upon the offender never goes away. In the elephantine memory of families and small towns, those who make others see their own smallness, their own pettiness, their own flaws, are the black sheep and are forever outside the fold, never to be forgiven.

I am one of these. The unforgiven. The ones who step outside of the mold, the rules which other people have placed upon our lives. The ones who commit the unforgivable sins. I kept going. That is my sin. When everyone else in my childhood world crumbled under the weight of tragedy, I picked up the pieces and kept walking. I didn’t fall apart, I didn’t turn to a crutch like sex or alcoholism or drugs like my closest family members, or to denial of the situation like those extended family members I saw. I spoke the truth when other people weren’t ready to hear it, and I kept speaking it until I was sure they had heard me. When they didn’t come to help, I kept going.

Sometimes I wish that I had crumbled with the rest of them. My life with my family would be much easier now. I would still be their darling, the favorite child. I would still have a father, aunts and uncles, cousins. My grandmother would stop apologizing for being human. They would all realize that I do not judge them as harshly as they judge themselves.

This is the great tragedy of my life. Not the car accident which robbed me of a mother when I was 14, and then left a brain-injured stranger in her place. It was instead the defining moment of the woman I would become. Strong. Proud. Capable. And for these things, my family will never forgive me. You see, there are unforgivable crimes out there in the world, and I am guilty of them.