Surviving The Storms: When Life’s Pain Feels Unbearable

Life is hard sometimes. I don’t mean splinter-in-your-finger hard. I mean, you’re in so much mental, emotional, or spiritual pain (and yes, spiritual pain is a thing) that you sometimes pray to God, “Okay. I’m done. I can’t take it anymore. Beam me up, Jesus.” I’m talking about the kind of agony that causes you to bounce between anger and grief so much that it makes you dizzy. I’m referring to the sort of anguish so excruciating that you wonder if you’ll ever come up for air again or keep sinking hundreds of fathoms into the darkness.

Sorry, not sorry, that this topic isn’t taking you to your happy place, but in the 24,635 days I’ve lived (a new personal record for me), about 24,562 involved some pain at some level. To be clear, I take full responsibility for a lot of those days, but a considerable chunk of them were utterly out of my control.

• I grew up in a dysfunctional family that did not put the fun is dysfunctional.
• My father was a womanizing, prescription drug addict and alcoholic.
• My first marriage started when I was 18 years old (and no, she wasn’t pregnant).
• Before going into full-time ministry, I was not fond of most of my previous jobs.
• Leading and working with Christians in a wide variety of churches for over 40 years didn’t turn out the way I hoped either. Ministry is hard.
• From the time I was 30, I have wrestled with back issues, and for decades, I have lived in pain, refusing to take hardly any drugs for fear of ending up like my dad.
• At the ripe young age of 53, I had prostate cancer.
• After 47 years, my first marriage ended, and that cost me far more than I ever imagined.
• Two years ago, I was diagnosed with heart disease.

Trust me, those facts are just a few of my life’s low lights, and I could bore you with so much more.

But life is also a mix.

My 88-year-old mother is thinking, “For heaven’s sake, it hasn’t all been bad!” And she’s correct. I have known far more happiness than I deserve. Tens of thousands of my bad days were a mixed bag, and my life includes many things I am grateful for now.

• My back hurts worse than ever, but I still get to take long walks at sunset.
• My heart is weak, and I can’t climb mountains or finish marathons anymore, but I receive every day as a gift.
• My first marriage ended tragically, but my second is filled with joy.
• My “official” ministry years of serving in a church are done (probably), but I can bless and encourage others every day in my current role as a coach.

I’m not going to lie. I often wish my life was easier. I wish my health were better. I wish the people who rejected me after my divorce would practice what I preached for years—mercy and grace. (By the way, I wrote about my divorce here.) I wish I had enough money to travel more. I wish I didn’t need to work fifty hours a week and could write another ten books or so before I die.

Here’s what I’ve learned.

In the middle of difficulty lies potential. In fact, our struggles frequently force us to mature and adapt. Albert Einstein suggested that hard times can be opportunities for growth and change. He was pretty smart and might have been onto something.

So, during hardship, we need to pause and reflect on the lessons learned. Surviving things like cancer and divorce can teach you a lot. God chisels away at our rough edges with the tool of hardship.

James, Jesus’ half-brother, challenged us to change our perspective about trials. The Apostle Paul, who suffered a great deal, dared to suggest that we boast about our sufferings because of the character that can be produced in our lives through pain.

Admittedly, finding hope when it feels impossible isn’t easy. Navigating pain and the anguish of those dark moments of the soul can suck.

But to quit is worse.

No one who chooses the easy path and gives up wakes up the next day happy and proud. I am not saying there’s never a time when you choose another way for your protection and sanity. However, Jesus made it clear, be wise because “The broad (easy) way leads to disaster . . . but the narrow gate and the hard road lead out into life” (Matthew 7:13-14).

The late American self-help author Napoleon Hill once wrote, “Most great people have attained their greatest success one step beyond their greatest struggle or failure.”

Years ago, I finished my first marathon. No matter how much you prepare or how many miles you log prior to a marathon, running 26.2 miles is crazy hard. Some hit the wall at about mile eighteen. For me, “the wall” happened about mile 24, and the last 2.2 miles were grueling. Everything in me screamed, “Quit! This is stupid! Why are you doing this? Nobody will blame you for stopping. Just say you pulled a muscle and couldn’t finish!”

But rather than give up, I kept telling myself, “Kurt, you can do anything for ten minutes. Just run another ten minutes.” And I did so until I finally saw the finish line.

What are you struggling with right now? Where are you tempted to throw in the towel and give up? I can tell you from firsthand experience that quitting often ends up being harder on your soul than staying the course. Sadly, despite finishing a couple of marathons, I’ve given up on people too quickly, far too often. And I guarantee that the regrets you will have for quitting too soon are far tougher than whatever relational storm you’re in right now.

Running in those marathons was worth it. The rewards of finishing outweighed the suffering along the course.

So, when life is crushing you under a weight that seems unbearable, do these three things to survive:

1. Have a change of perspective. See how trials can transform.
2. Alter your expectations. Stop expecting life to be easy.
3. Watch our attitude. A bad outlook never leads to good things.

I can imagine some of you are frustrated with me. You are thinking of a scenario or two (or twenty) where you hung in there and ended up getting hung out to dry, abused, and alone.

Let me be painfully clear about pain.

There could be times when the wisest thing you can do is walk away after you’ve done all that you can. Just ensure that before you do, you’ve considered and adjusted your perspective, expectations, and attitude. Do everything you can to finish well. Don’t give up too soon when the finish line might be just around the next corner.

Remember, Jesus never promised you a pain-free life; He promised to be with you no matter what.

Please leave a comment below, and let’s engage in a conversation.

You can find out more about Kurt Bubna and his writing on Twitter and Facebook. You can read more about his views and insights, both in his books and on his website.