Left Behind After the End that Never Began

Your mostly faithful Weekly Apocalypse, in nine points:

1. People terrified by an Ebola outbreak in the United States also seem to object to universal healthcare.
2. Postmodernist, libertarian, and know-nothing consumerist anti-vaxers unite in relativistic denial of herd immunity, temporarily disproving the theory of natural selection.
3. Every journalist in the entire world seems to have forgotten about the Islamic Golden Age.
4. George Weigel reads Evangelical Catholicism and Evangelii Gaudium with golden and red pens and is pleased with the result.
5. A social science survey on self deception does not prove that self reporting surveys are the antithesis of experimental modern science.
6. The singing nun sensation creates a breathe of fresh air for Catholic karaoke singers everywhere, bringing a warm ray of hope to struggling artists and musicians.
7. The National Football League considers hiring Matthew Kelly to help with its marketing and image problem.
8. The Democratic party works on its latest immigration reform promises and platforms, which amount to “not being overtly racist.”
9. Katy Perry picked two major college football upsets today.