Welcome to Sameville, USA. If you’re one of us, you’re going to like it here. It really doesn’t matter what state you’re from, as long as you live in the Red parts of it. That’s the key. If you’re one of us, we’re not going to have any trouble.
There is so much we have to offer you here in Sameville. Once you’re in, you’ll never want to leave. Now, understand, we don’t go in for a lot of showy, fancy stuff around here. Most of us live in similar little houses. There’s not much to them and they aren’t much to look at, but they keep us dry, as long as we keep the roof patched. A good warm fire in the wood stove and some good country cooking in the kitchen is about all we need. Of course, we’ve got a satellite dish so we can watch Hannity on the Fox News. God bless that man. Around here, we reckon he’s the only news man we can trust. He cares about our kind, bless his heart. Those of us who don’t have the dish can always go down to Kate’s Kountry Kafe and watch. Good ol’ Kate’s always got the Fox on her tv. So does the Billy Bob’s Barber shop. Man, that’s the place to go if you want to get all the latest. There’s always some good ol’ boys down there chewing the fat. For my money, if you really want to fix this country, put some of those boys in charge of the government, they’d get things shaped up lickety-split.
One thing I think you’ll like about Sameville is that we don’t do a lot of bickering over politics. Sure, we talk about it a lot, but we don’t squabble because we all pretty much agree on most everything. Fact is, you’ll find signs in most of the yards around here that support our President—they’re right under our rebel flags. We all agree that this country was in serious trouble after eight long years with the awful Muslim from Africa was done with it. How that man isn’t in prison—or in a grave—somewhere is beyond me. But I’d better not say too much more about him, I might get hateful and that wouldn’t be Christian. Here in Sameville, we like to say “love the sinner and hate the sin”, I guess that even goes for “Obummer”—sorry, that kind of slipped out. But there sure are a lot of sinners these days. Seems like this country has taken God out of everything. That’s why we love Trump so much. Now, finally, there’s a president who isn’t afraid to lead this country back to God Almighty—praise the lord. We finally have a man of God in the White House and he’s working hard to make us into a great Christian nation again, like we used to be back in the good ol’ days when everyone knew their place—before we started mixing everything together—before all this diversity stuff, that’s an ungodly road to ruin and we’ve been on it too long if you ask us around here.
Seems like everyone from outside Sameville is always pushing for change—squawking all this trash about acceptance and tolerance. That’s what got us into this mess we have in the first place. Now they’re pushing for more. They want us to accept the murder of babies just minutes from being born. They want us to accept the abomination of men lying with men and women with women—they even suggest we should welcome these freaks into our churches. Can you even imagine that? Just open the doors wide and let sinners like that come marching in? What would Jesus think of that?
Thank God we don’t have to worry much about that in Sameville—at least not for now. But if you’d listen those bleeding heart liberals they’d have you believe that we have those kinds of people living here already. Ha! I’m pretty sure if that were true, we’d have sniffed them out a long time ago.
Yes sir, we’ve got it good here in Sameville. You’ll feel mighty safe here, just about every last one of us carries a gun wherever we go. Also, you won’t have a bunch of people trying to change your mind or challenging your thinking all the time, none of that nonsense. We see eye to eye with our neighbors here and, as long as we have anything to say about it, it’s going to stay that way. It’s the weak and feeble minds that change.
Now, I’m not saying we’ve got it perfect here in Sameville. Fact is, there’s not much work to be found here these days and there’s a lot of folks that have been unemployed for a long time. Thank God for Walmart and Dollar General. They provide some jobs, at least. But it’s caused a good many good people to have to make meth and grow marijuana to sell in order to put food on the table. And a lot of us don’t have much health care insurance. We had it for a while, but that was that awful Obamacare junk. Thank God Trump’s going to fix that mess and bring us real health care—but I do wish he’d speed it up a little—I guess he’s got other stuff that’s higher priority, like building that wall and cutting the bloated education budget and the frivolous Special Olympics nonsense. I’m sure he’ll get to us after that.
We are proud of the power we still have here in Sameville. Can you believe some of those libtards are actually flapping their gums about abolishing the Electoral College? It’s true. Why, without that Electoral College, we here in Sameville might as well not even vote. The president would be elected by the majority of people and we all know what they want. You get rid of the Electoral College and you’re going to have a fight on your hands, I can assure you of that. Meanwhile, you can thank us here in Sameville that the she-devil called Killary isn’t ruining this nation right now. Can you imagine the laughing stock we’d be if she were in charge?
Come join us in Sameville.
You’ll love it here—if you’re one of us.
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