I’m Tired, Redeem Me

I’m tired.

The last several years have been hard on a lot of us. I’ll be honest, when I made the commitment to begin writing as a member of the progressive Christian Trump resistance movement, I didn’t fully know what I was getting into. I never imagined that I’d end up with a platform where my opinions and thoughts would be read by tens of thousands of people every month. In my wildest dreams, I never thought my pieces would ever be discussed and debated on line by hundreds and hundreds of people, sometimes so many that I can’t possibly even keep up with reading them all. I wasn’t prepared for all the loving validation or the hateful castigation I would get. I wasn’t prepared for any of that, but I quickly adjusted to it. And for all that, I am humbled and thankful. That’s not why I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting the internal battles that come with the job. I’m tired from the draining nature of opening my veins and bleeding out my truth, writing things publicly to readers I’ll never meet; things I’m not sure I’d have the guts to speak in person. I’m tired of the internal battle that rages within me over the subjects about which I write; the constant process of trying to decide whether to come at them diplomatically or with a sledge hammer; the ever-present, swirling doubts that creep into my own faith as I sift through the evils of the world that I have seen swallow up what we used to call Christianity. I’m tired from so frequently dancing along the line of hypocrisy, constantly aware of the fact that, as I call out others for their hypocrisy, I am often exposing my own. I’m tired of the nagging worry that comes after I finish a new piece, just before I press the publish button, when I start wondering what certain people in my life might think of me if they read it. I’m tired of feeling shame for feeling shame. I’m tired of feeling caught in between two worlds, body in one, heart and mind in another. I’m tired of sitting among friends in Bible studies and meticulously measuring my words so that I can present a more progressive perspective in a way that won’t come off as hedonistic or condescending. I’m tired of having to defend how my perspective aligns with the teachings of Christ when I feel that it should be so damned obvious. I’m tired of admitting why I’m tired.

Yes, I’m tired, but I’m not going to stop. Steel must be forged in fire. If I’m going to take a stand in these troubled times, I’ve got to take on the internal strife that comes along with it.

I wrote a song about all that goes on within me as I deal with the cacophony inside my head as I think about the next new way to say the same old thing.

Please take a moment to read the lyrics and then listen to the song at the link below.

 

Redeem Me

Looks like I’m right back here again

Feeling like a hopeless clown

And I really don’t remember when

I wasn’t low and broken down

 

Seems like I fall at every turn

It’s like my soul’s been thrown in jail

Will I never simply live and learn?

I need someone to go my bail

 

I’m sorry, so sorry

I need someone to set me free

I’m sorry, so sorry

Please, oh please, redeem me

 

It feels like every time I swear I’m right

Something knocks me to my knees

I’m weakened by this constant fight

I’m begging you to hear my pleas

 

Someone please sign my release

And help me find the life I’ve dreamed

I need to feel a little peace

Can this ragged soul still be redeemed?

 

I’m sorry, so sorry

I need someone to set me free

I’m sorry, so sorry

Please, oh please, redeem me

 

I’m sorry, so sorry

Won’t you come and set me free

I’m sorry, so sorry

Please, oh please, redeem me